its that time again....time to hand out our weekly awards.

the award for "the woman america would least like to see her chotch" goes to cindy sheehan for her grinning like a whore being told she's clean while being carried by two men who later had to boil their hands off because, and i quote, "they smelled like evil".

the award for "bitch, you had 80,000 pages and a hearing" goes to hillary for claiming supreme court chief justice john roberts did not give enough information.

the award for "roe v. wade? seeeeee ya" goes to our new favorite washingtonian john roberts. congrats john and do us proud.

the award for "thanks for providing us a new brand of toilet paper" goes to ronnie earl for the tom delay indictment which reads like something you might find here.

and finally....

the award for "we hope this spreads to muslim countries only" goes to the avian flu, reportedly to kill a possible 150 million people. here at 13sides we can only hope most of them are bomb tossing, allah blowing, america hating, no bath taking muslims.

I don't know if Horatio was channeling James Lipton last night when he offered the world this abortion of a sentence:

I will hazard to say that negative album reviews may be the most inherently hilarious form of English prose in which it is possible to express oneself.

This excerpt was from the post titled "Sh!t Sandwich". Well no kidding. Seriously. Horatio. This is an intervention. People won't read your Napoleon Dynamite view of the world (see posts like "George Bush! IDIOT!) if you insist on giving them irritable bowel syndrome with posts like these. I guess saying "Spin's negative album reviews are funny" isn't pretentious enough for your other Dartmouth English Literature buddies that are probably doing something with their lives like writing menus for Captain D's.

So I'm calling out all of you loyal 13sides readers. Please help me help dodeca-spaz. Go to 12sides and find your favorite pretentious quote and post them in the comments here. He's counting on you.


I've been on leave for a while, following the Sheehan posse around the country due to my temporary insanity at the hands of an advance case of syphilis. A night stick to the head and some penicillin, both courtesy of the U.S. Park Service police, seem to have brought me back to reality... then I was this little ditty:

Court Rules Jesse Jackson Must Face Civil Trial for Assault and Civil Rights Violations

I guess it's fine if you agree with the liberal plantation mentality, but if you have your own view and beliefs, and try and live your life following those beliefs, you are a parasite. Your reward? The liberal mongrels will attack you.

I must go vomit now.

cindy sheehan decided since president bush would not meet her in crawford she would go to dc. unfortunately, as is the case for most bull-dykes, she wound up in a jail cell holding a vigil for her lesbo-virginity. cindy, the mother of casey sheehan who was the first person to ever die in the military, has already spread her milky white thighs for her ex-husband and since women rarely get pregnant on the first try, we know she had to enact the beast with two backs more than once. she has also whored herself out to the media in trying to prove that it is possible to be more annoying than richard simmons and more pointless than kevin federline. now, cindy is wanting to hit the penthouse trifecta...will probably start something like this...

"after the delousing one of the officer-ettes took me into a room for a full body search. she was a sexy five five, one hundred eighty pounds, shaved head, and flannel shirt..."

those silly atheists are at it again.

i dont believe that when i talk on the phone there is really someone sitting on the other end. afterall i cant see them. i dont believe in elephants because ive never seen one. i dont believe in gravity, love, music, fact i no longer believe in anything that cant be proven outright. i also no longer believe in beliefs either. after all i cant prove that if in fact i can actually believe that whatever i put my belief into is provable. i dont believe what i just said.

belief of any kind requires faith. even if the belief is the belief in "not-something". atheists are so concerned about removing all symbols of faith and belief from any government building that i am going to sue the government to remove all symbols of no-faith and non-belief from all government buildings...including but not limited to walls, water fountains, trash cans, atheists, most chairs, vending machines, etc.

after all if our government is supporting the belief and faith in nothing then is it really truly a separation of church and state?

people are always blaming bush for this or that. frankly at first i thought it was ridiculous and then i began to look around and see all of the ways bush has failed me personally. i would like to catalog some of the things i can blame on bush.

1. track marks
2. lazy eye
3. club foot
4. allergy to rag weed
5. the shakes
6. rainbows
7. motley crue
8. women immune to roofies
9. men not immune to roofies
10. scratchy toilet paper
11. crucifiction of jesus
12. chicago cubs
13. sun burn
14. oprah
15. apathy
16. tipper gore
17. harry potter
18. things that smell like lemon
19. blindness
20. corn

think that about gets it all...if i can think of anymore ill be sure to let you know.

today the whole crew was in washington preparing for the yearly harrison family reunion, bbq, and gang bang. we were out front of the white house taking some pics, drinking some booze, and doing a little mainlining when along comes another family reunion. now maybe it was because i couldnt see straight or maybe it was because the secret service dude has his foot against my throat...but i could have sworn it was the she-man know the one - her son was killed by george bush in some kind of convenience store robbery gone terribly wrong. it looked as though she-bland had only about 30 or so people with her to deliver the letter to george bush asking where all the rainbows went. far it be it from me to say what defines a "movement" but somehow i dont think she-idiot and 30 of her closest friends really embodies anything more than really crazy people.

with all of that said 13sides has decided to enter the retail market again. our homosexual punching bag was a resounding success, except in san francisco (dr. noisewater is planning a suit against the city of san francisco for not allowing us to demonstrate the bag as the next big thing since hate crimes). we will be selling t-shirts saying "i saw sheehan coming down the avenue" on the front and "she's still a bitch" on the back. we are hoping to donate all of the proceeds to getting the octagon out of jail..oh and katrina people i guess.

and christians and white people, latinos, italians, the irish, most asians, and most of all i hate idiots. ive been on a four day binge here in northern maine and im hoping the things i hear and see is just alcohol poisoning and im about to die.

ray nagin wants people to come back to new orleans. now let me do the math...if there are half a million people in new orleans and 70 percent are black and there is another hurricane coming...well ive always thought black on black killing was a little odd but this takes it to a whole new level. nagin wants his fellow "brothers" and "sistas" to come back home so the federal government can bomb levees and kill more black people...which brings me to my next point.

malik shabazz, the leader of the new black panther party (made with real bits of panther so you know its good), seconded louis farrakhan's comments about a crater under the levees created by some type of explosive device. two points here... 1) are you really going to be an anti-semite with a first name like louis? i dont know if farrakhan and his ilk hate gays, but damn gina, louis? seriously? and 2) dont you think black people do enough killing eachother without help from the us government? if the us government really wanted to kill poor black people they would go into the ghetto and give out free nikes to only half the people.

i dont want to hear anything about anyone not being able to leave...sure if you were bed ridden and left in a nursing home to drown you are a 'victim'...however, the "poor" people who couldnt get out..? sorry dont buy it. you got legs? walk. you dont have anywhere to go? we've seen how helpful our fellow americans are...just because you stayed does not mean you will garner immediate sympathy... nor does it mean there is some vast conspiracy to kill you. these people who are race baiting are more disgusting than any dead body floating in the water. now is not the time to put forth theories of idiocy or to sit back and claim this is another example of "the man holding us down", the government is not here to save you, or to make decision for you in regards to your own safety. if you are incapable of taking care of yourself or making decision that would further self-preservation (like say... oh i dont know.... getting out of the way of a hurricane) then chances are you will die...regardless of the color of your skin. stupidity kills and stupidity sees no color.

Meet Minister Hashim Nzinga, Chief of Staff of the New Black Panther Party. The Political Teen (a fantastic site, btw) has video of quite possibly the most mis-informed person this side of Camp Casey. I'm surprised this guy can organize a Black Panther Happy Hour.

That sobbing you heard was of Mayor Ray Nagin. Nzinga asserted that Nagin informed Louis Farrakhan that white people blew up the levees in N.O....and jews knew about 9/11...and the red cross "ain't got no black people"....and he is one of the only black guys in the world that doesn't drink Kool-Aid, be it Louis Farrakhan flavored or not.

Check out the video for some of the hilarity.

Did you know that Planned Parenthood is giving out contraceptives and "reproductive health services" to evacuees? This is truly remarkable. So as 13sides man on the street, I had to go find out the reaction of some of the refugees to this news.

I interviewed 42 year old Sammy Washington, a former resident of New Orleans' Ninth Ward now seeking refuge in the Houston Astrodome. Sammy, who hasn't bathed in 3 days, recanted his story in wonderful detail. "I had just shared an MRE with Shanice....I...I... don't remember her last name. We took a nice long walk and visited her sister who was getting an abortion in the visitor's locker room. I took a handful of jimmy-hats, went back to her cot and we made sweet, sweet love. It was a little weird having her 3 kids and great aunt watching us. But we just pretended it was a Muslim wedding night. Damn, those cots make a lot of noise. "

It's been a few days since our Dodeca-buddy last posted. If anybody sees him, can you pass this along to him...

We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.

With Love,

"There was a 25 foot hole. We’ve suggested that it [the levee] may have been blown up so that the water would destroy the black part of town."
- Louis Farrakhan
"There is a class of colored people who make a business of keeping the troubles, the wrongs, and the hardships of the Negro race before the public. Having learned that they are able to make a living out of their troubles, they have grown into the settled habit of advertising their wrongs. Partly because they want sympathy, and partly because it pays. Some of these people do not want the Negro to lose his grievances, because they do not want to lose their jobs."
- Booker T. Washington

the weekly awards issued are as follows...

the "sticks and stones" award goes to our lord and president for putting up with another week for being blamed for sandy plains iowa's own jeanette hornington's yeast infection and the now pandemic infection of the left to form any argument without foaming at the mouth and then nailing themselves to a cross.

the "quit jerkin' your gerkin" award goes to michael newdow for leading a life void of anything of any interest and for being so sensitive he cries for every sperm each time he's jerkin' his gerkin.

the "please dont drop the bomb on me" award goes to iran because instead of using the massive resource they all stand on they feel it necessary to try alternative energy sources (read: "we will bomb you dirty infidels").

the "allah is a big fat liar" award goes to our friendly lovers of peace and c4, dirty muslims, for realizing the 72 virgins waiting for them in heaven are all men hopped up on viagra and hung like donkeys.

the "hey katrina, you missed one" award goes to our favorite pop star for showing the world that trash can reproduce.

the "things that will never happen to me" award goes to all the women willing to experiment ... and hopefully film it in high quality, selling it on dvd's... hold on let me get you my mailing address...

from here on we will refer to michael newdow as "the fetus that beat us".

so i did some poking around on the internet. when i got done looking at risque pics of hillary and some very hairy chested woman, i decided i needed to purge. i took three hits of acid and started drinking gasoline. once the acid kicked in i started to imagine what it would be like in the world of "the fetus that beat us".

number one: we'd still have slaves. now, if it were up to me we'd never have gotten rid of slaves. there has always been a part of me that would like to pick cotton and receive the occasional whipping from a man on a horse with too much pent up sexual aggression. of course there has also been a part of me that would like my own personal ass wiper. the proclamation mentions 'lord' four times. of course all in reference to dates. but the ol' abe drops the bomb on us and actually invokes the name of 'almighty god'. now i can only assume he means the christian-jewey god because dubya was not born yet. therefore, no emancipation proclamation, no freedom from slavery.

number two: the constitution references the lord only once. it is used to name the date. now we can go one of two ways here. either we abolish all time or we abolish the constitution. i go for abolishing the constitution. getting rid of time could prove to be not only difficult but since i dont believe in time i can't abolish what is not there. so we get rid of the constitution. how fun would this be? it would be like living with a bunch of dirty muslims, everything would be smelly, shady, explosive, and completely lawless. this is exactly what atheists want; the complete and total breakdown of normal society....of course atheists dont know why they want that because they dont really believe in believing so i guess they wouldnt even believe in the belief that lawlessness could exist because that would require belief....okay i just fell of fmy seat on the bus again.

number three: ah yes the brits. well, in the world of "the fetus that beat us" we would still be ruled by a bunch of funny talking, bad teeth having, ugly women sexing, boring literature reading, very effeminate sounding brits. personally this wouldnt be too bad. after all they use great words like "queue" and "lorry" and "bobby" and "bloody". this would make me giggle constantly. i also wouldn't have to go the free clinic anymore because the brits love addicts and more they love to house them and feed them and give them "help" (read: more drugs).

so in newdow's world we would all be totally messed up on drugs, slaves of the brits, with absolutely no law. sounds to me like we'd be living at the kennedy compound.

i went to grade school with michael newdow. no kidding. i used to kick his ass every day during the pledge because our fourth grade teacher was a vet who was a hard of hearing and sobbed during the pledge. i also told him god didnt love him and that if there really were a god he would protect michael from getting his ass kicked. i didnt stop and i think i owe someone an apology.

america, i apologize. i should have foreseen this. i never thought by beating a little michael newdow everyday he could have turned into such a bitter little man. i mean honestly who has the time to sue a school not once but twice over the pledge of allegiance. hopefully, one day when i can stop drinking and can make money other than in rest stop bathrooms i can sue michael newdow for being petulant. im not sure if i can but i sure as hell will try.

what the hell is an atheist anyway? you believe that you dont believe in something? or even better, you believe something does not exist? what does that mean? i have tried to reason it out in my head but i keep going cross eyed and losing my seat on the bus. i should hitch a ride to san fran and kick the crap out of newdow again...except this time ill tell him god sent me and god wants me to kick his ass. i will then periodically attack newdow. maybe in a couple of years we will find newdow somewhere on the mississippi delta handling snakes.

if you listen real closely you can probably hear the lakes of fire in hell freezing over....and billions of democrats putting on their ice skates. looks like our froggy friends collective testicles finally dropped. of course what is not stated in the article is that after issuing these strong words the french diplomats ran and hid behind tom bolton screaming something about the iranian mothers being snowblowers.

Trev Alberts has really pissed me off. Not happy taking sloppy seconds from Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso (that, or the fact he had to work with Mark May), Trev decided he didn't want to show up for work anymore, so ESPN fired him. Then ESPN replaced him with vaudevillian performer and snake-oil salesman Lou Holtz. Now, every week, we will be forced to hear why "Shteve Shpurrier and the Gamecocksh will win thish week."

I really dislike that guy. ESPN's scoreboard show will soooo be on probation in 2 years.

what would jack the ripper do?

i woke up this morning in tuscon, missing a flip flop, with a bloody nose, and next to a stripper who has a tattoo of jesse jackson on her left breast. thoroughly confused i started drinking rubbing alcohol and looking for some butane. then it came to me. people constantly fight about what the jew the romans killed would do and whether or not he would be a republican or democrat. as those of us who live on the planet earth know, our lord and savior (other than dubya) would be a republican. the bible is very clear about not killing babies and not taking any flack from dirty muslims. to me its not a fruitful discussion. most democrats dont even believe in anything other than michael moore so to hear them quote scripture is like listening to a deaf retard try to explain the finer points of dialectical materialism.

i want to know what would jack the ripper do? i think he would be a democrat. first of all he was british and we all know how the brits love socialism and loving socialism puts you in the liberal camp. he also liked to kill people, mostly women. democrats love killing people, especially babies, which next to women are the most defenseless creatures, so really they like to kill women and babies. the score is now dems 2 and the party of the good and just 0. the women jacky boy preyed upon were hookers; democrats have no taste in women. have you seen hilary, or teresa ketchup, or jew babs, or baghdad betty? sweet jesus if only he were still with us. not only that but the moral barometer for democrats has been broken for a long time....unfortunately so has their eyesight. finally jack was suspected of being either a surgeon or a butcher. well if you combine the two you get an abortion doctor...see above; jack is a democrat.

sorry ive been away. i got into a fight with a hooker and she stole my dignity. i have been looking for it ever since, with no luck.

i hate white people.

all of them. people like mary "rodham" landrieu, richard "dick" durbin and ted "mary jo kopechne" kennedy. landrieu is clearly an insult to those of us who can read (she even gives black people a bad name). this is the woman who threatens to punch anyone who criticizes anyone from her state. the problem im having is, which state? the state of louisiana or the state of complete and total detachment from anything remotely close to reality.

as for durbin...have you ever seen him? he looks like an uncircumcised penis. he should have been more concerned about having a facial bris than comparing soldiers to nazis and gulags. hell, these stupid white people have invoked the name of hitler and his minions so much even hitler rolls his eyes now. fyi whiteys, comparing someone to hitler doesnt mean that much anymore...especially since everytime you dumb honkeys lose an election you stamp your feet and call everyone hitlers or eichmanns...speaking of which, ward churchill is a dumb cracker too. hes not an native american 1. he doesnt own a casino and 2. though he was drunk when he made his comments he doesnt have a drinking problem and 3. he doesnt stand very still outside of drugstores.

and finally ted kennedy. not much to say other than he is not really mad at bush or anyone else. what makes him a bad white person is secretly...down the abyss of his the bottom of his moral well...hes mad that katrina got to drown all of those people and he didnt even get a shot at one of them. there are a lot of bridges in new orleans...and poor ol' ted was mad he couldnt be the bus driver to help 'evacuate' some of those people.

And now the greatest thing you will see on TV this week: Senator Mary Landrieu not "pointing fingers" on Fox yesterday. When asked why Mayor Nagin didn't use the buses to evacuate people before Katrina made landfall, Senator Landrieu responded by saying, "Those buses were underwater!" Also, you can see her dodging questions about her pork spending, as well as not "pointing fingers" at Gov. Blanco for not allowing the National Guard into New Orleans until Friday of the first week. Please do yourself a favor and watch. (Courtesy of The Political Teen)

Horatio told me this weekend that George Bush killed babies. He doesn't leave them in dumpsters or anything. Horatio told me that our lord and president kills them by not commandeering helicopters and dropping Lunchables and bottles of Evian to them. He told me that George Bush actually sat on his hands while babies died in New Orleans. I assured him that this cannot be the case, because nobody sits on their hands unless they are going to give themselves "The Stranger". Also because the president doesn't have the authority to send troops in without being asked by the governor, which he wasn't until it was too late. Seems like there a few federal laws that protect the states from the federal government in times like these, whether they have weapons of mass destruction or not. But lets not let facts get in the way from an emotional argument. Imagine how pissed Horatio would be if the president of the United States had "pre-emptively taken from the female governor of another party the command and control of her forces, unless the security situation made it completely clear that she was unable to effectively execute her command authority and that lawlessness was the inevitable result?"

He also told me that Bush has done "nothing but cut the budgets of first responders". Nothing but kill babies that is. I assured him this was not the case. He told me it was true, that firemen were forced to fight fires with kittens and used diapers. Nevermind the fact that first responder spending during the last 4 years has increased by 780%. A 680% increase in state and local funding over the Clinton administration, as well as a 2600% increase in State Domestic Preparedness Funds.

Apparently Dartmouth doesn't teach civics or common sense.

In a move that has severely pissed off coyotes, Pima County (AZ) supervisors have voted to provide funding again this year for desert water stations. You probably are saying to yourself, what do coyotes care about water stations? Well the water stations are for thirsty immigrants illegally crossing the border into the United States so they don't die and become the next meal of a buzzard or coyote. Apparently, autopsies are a lot more expensive than water, to the tune $300k a year. Nevermind the fact that housing the immigrants in Pima County jail costs $8 million a year, or that this sounds an awful lot like aiding and abetting a felony, which illegally crossing the border is.

So drink up beaners, but be careful. These water stations will be lighthouses for Minutemen.

Hat-tip to Boortz.

So our favorite liberal blogger seems to think that Bush should resign (in favor of someone like Keyane West, no doubt). And on top of that, he seems to think that the GOP has a monopoly on political corruption and pork projects. Well, here is where the facts get in the way of his arguments, not that he cares...

Here are some numbers on "pork" spending in our government in the 2004 Congressional Ratings from the Citizens Against Government Waste. From the intro overview (and a higher score is better):
The average score for Republicans in the House was 63 percent. For House Democrats, the average was 11 percent. The entire House had an average of 39 percent. Each category is worse than the previous year: For 2003, Republicans had an average of 72 percent, Democrats had an average of 17 percent, and the entire House rated 46 percent.

In the Senate, the average for Republicans was 63 percent. For Senate Democrats, the average was 16 percent. The entire Senate averaged at 40 percent. Each category rated lower than the previous year: In 2003, Republicans rated 70 percent, Democrats rated 19 percent, and the entire Senate rated 45 percent.

How about taking a look at Robert Byrd (D), also known as the "King of Pork".
In 2005, Senator Robert C. Byrd managed to claw $399 million in pork for West Virginia, or $220 for every single resident, using his privileged position as ranking chairman of the Appropriations Committee. After he secured $97 million in fiscal 1999, Byrd became the first person in CAGW's Congressional Pig Book history to obtain more than $1 billion in pork for his state.

Oh well, I guess that's just one man's opinion (and a slew of facts, statistics, etc., but who's counting).

Let's move on to corruption. Well again, this is not a GOP only endeavor, but a political reality across the board. Let's examine a few incidents from the non-GOP crowd, since some seem to think they are so much more virtuous.

But I guess it's ok to buy your way in politics if your liberal. If you are in the GOP, you are the devil.

I must go vomit now.

Howard Dean, head of the DNC, who once said republicans have "never worked an honest day in their lives", offered up this little gem:

"We must ... come to terms with the ugly truth that skin color, age and economics played a deadly role in who survived and who did not," Dean said.
I can probably think of a few more important things probably determined your personal responsibilty....or not relying on the government for your livelihood....or the ability to swim....and owning a handgun probably helped too.

our pal horatio has put a writing assignment out. he wants two questions answered. ill do my best but im pretty drunk right now.

1) George W. Bush's appointment of Michael Brown, a man with exactly zero disaster management experience, to the top spot at FEMA (by the way, even Michelle Malkin agrees with me) 2) the ongoing, Soviet-style attempt to prevent newsmedia from reporting on the aftermath of this domestic natural disaster as well as the colossal mismanagement of the recovery effort

1) to answer question 1 i must take a quick huff of butane and put a pillow over the baby's face, he wont quit crying. now ive never claimed to be smart or sober but i think i might know why he was appointed as the top man of fema:

Previously, Mr. Brown served as FEMA's Deputy Director and the agency's General Counsel. Shortly after the September 11th terrorist attacks, Mr. Brown served on the President's Consequence Management Principal's Committee, which acted as the White House's policy coordination group for the federal domestic response to the attacks.

"previous" refers to before he became head punching bag for the left in 2003. again i find it very strange that the left likes to complain about an appointment now...after the fact. if he was so incompetent where was the outrage of being appointed post 9/11? also to have experience for the nation's worst natural disaster he'd have to have been alive before the nation was formed and experience a natural disaster of proportion to katrina...but then the left would be mad he didnt have experience managing any disasters in this nation and would promptly disqualify him. im not saying things were handled smooth as a baby's butt, however, fema is not the only organization to help with relief efforts. other organizations include but are not limited to, the state of louisiana, the parish of orleans, the city of new orleans,...etc. but let's not confuse facts with the truth.

2) this isnt russia. is this russia? this isnt russia. first of all taking joshua marshall as the truth is the first problem. that dude has an obsession with jack abramoff that borders on high sexual perversion. okay, lets imagine you are trying to secure a city that is flooded with terrible sewage, looters, dead bodies, black people, looters, african americans, dead black people, living black people with guns, three white people unarmed, 'color'eds carrying tv's, looters, and now the media who carry things looters and black people want to steal (unfortunately "jobs" aren't one of those things). so by trying to get the media to leave they are saving relief workers from having to find more dead bodies, to save the "white media establishment" from having their cameras and wallets stolen by the poor negroes bush left behind, and from having to worry about making sure when they do their job it can't be misconstrued by some muslim loving journalist wanting to blame bush for their hemorrhoids and the fact the guy they met at the gym wont call them back. sometimes i wish the media would go away and let people do their jobs...if the media is not worried about being shot now then by all means stay...and while you're there make sure you let everyone who stayed behind know you have expensive video equipment that can be sold on the "black" market.

i understand the media has an important role in our society but damn...what more can they show us other than dead bodies and black people stealing things? i live in atlanta, i can look outside for that. the only thing i can reason out is by showing how poorly things were handled they can hurt the administration and get a democrat elected.

Why is it that white, liberal, elitist pricks, jackal media whores, and the Hollywood flasks are always quick to yell racism in order to fan the flames of stupidity, but the rest of us well adjusted, guilt free humans leave this crap out of the way and focus on the "content of ones character"? I leave the answer as an exercise for the reader...

Katrina and the Waves should probably just go ahead and change their name.

seems like the mastermind rove has planned another gem for us americans. let me lay it out for you to show the sheer genius of boy wonder. first he bought more than 400 millions tons of aqua net. he then paid black people 18 cents an hours to spray those bottles; thus destroying the ozone and their lungs (more on the lungs later). the now compromised ozone layer created a massive storm named katrina which hit new orleans and other parts of the gulf coast. in a secret memo, to be published later on some obscure liberal blog, from rove to the president, rove tells the president to make sure to tell people he didnt think anyone thought levees would be breached. this would cause a liberal surge not seen since katrina...wait....nevermind. while the liberals were feeding on this new bit of rove-aganda, rove deployed the secret police to now start shooting black people in new orleans at will. killing people who steal and more importantly black people who steal (with now damaged lungs so they cant run as fast) fed fuel to the fire. at this point the liberosphere became so incensed their logical levees were seen breaking all over blogdom with rationality being flooded by walls of fluid feces. at the same time rove was able to secretly cut funding for cancer research, secure lucrative contracts for haliburton, and personally stab supreme court chief justice william rehnquist in the neck. with the death of rehnquist rove has caused a diversion to take away from bush's planned inability to take care of the storm he caused by using black people to kill black people. now rove has enabled bush to destroy entire regions of the gulf coast, destroy the ozone, kill a bunch of black people, get contracts for his buddy the veep, knock off an aging justice, appoint his nominee as the chief justice, and get another appointment to the court. the man is a glad the left hasn't caught full wind of this amazing conspiracy they would really be upset.

If we can't get the Kerry supporters to help out with hurricane Katrina relief, how about the liberal bloggers? This would provide more than enough useless skin bags to shore up those levees in no time. And while we're at it, we can seize their property for the disaffected families of this horrible disaster. They don't need it anyway. They are all above material possessions.

So far, we have not had any volunteers, but one of our favorite liberal bloggers, Horatio has these words of encouragement for anyone eager to help out in the time of need instead of bitching from the sidelines:

Screw You

Can you feel the love?

In response, we here at 13sides will be taking up a collection for dear Horatio. The goal is to get enough money so we can help him buy back his soul from the devil. More to follow...

Forget Hitlery... we need Kanye West in the West Wing. Maybe he can get Martin Sheen to run as his VP (most liberals thought he was president for a while anyway). And if ODB was not the victim of racial profiling by the evil drug companies, he could have been their National Security Advisor or perhaps Sec. of State. What a 3 sum (almost as good as Christina, Britney and Madonna - only not as smart).

Just because the world was blessed with one lone actor turned shining light of American hope does not mean everyone with a SAG card walks on water. I must go and vomit now.

in the wake of katrina's wrath and in the path of the rising tides of liberal death mongering it seems the democrats are more heartless than even we could imagine. new orleans is one of the last bastions of democrats to still exist in the south. new orleans has a democratic mayor (great job with the buses by the way), a democratic governor, democratic controlled state legislature, a democratic u.s. representative, one of the senators is democratic...and yet bush is to blame because he didnt think the levees would break.

i have a plan to save new orleans. every single person who ever said "if you support the war you should join" or "bush should have his daughters join" go sign up now at your local national guard office. if there is such a shortage of guardsmen then help to ease the gap. join. i figure if of the 60,000,000 who voted for kerry, if even 1% is part of the loony left then we'll have enrollment of about 600,000 new national guardsmen. that shoud be more than enough to assist with new orleans.

but we all know they wont do it. its much too easy to blame others than to take action. its much too easy to google reasons to hate the president, its hard to do whats right, its hard to fill sand bags, its hard see dead bodies, its hard to look into the eyes of a refugee and realize this is not a third world country, its america, home of the free, the brave, and now the scared, the homeless, the clothesless, the penniless, the suffering. how quickly they blame, how quickly they forget, bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.

noz will be taking a trip to syria soon. we dont know where syria is but we have been told by very reliable sources there are muslims there. i think it is safe to assume noz is not muslim as he has yet to explode but we want to give him this prayer in case he should wander close enough to an exploding arab.

from the book of 13. written while drilling for oil in alaska with nothing but my bare hands, a sherpa, four jars of vaseline and nudey pictures of the pope.

[1]dubya is my shepherd; i shall not want
[2]he maketh me to lie down on pelts of baby seals: he leadeth me beside still oil wells
[3]he restoreth my x-ray vision: he leadeth liberal in the paths of expensive suv's for his friends sake and for all of our sake's really, if only we could use them for something more constructive than traffic cones.
[4]yea though i walk through the alley of the assploding minefields of dirty arabs, i will fear no evil except the evil of being blown up by brown people...but light brown....the dark brown ones will shoot you then steal you wallet: for thou art with me with cruise missles and delta force; my rod and my staff they comfort me on those cold nights noz is in syria.
[5]thou preparest a legislation to stop abortions before me in the presence of elitist north eastern liberals eager with hangers and vaccuums to eradicate love: thou anointest their vaginas with house resolutions to stop the influx of babies going to hell; my cup runneth over with sweet sweet crude and a side of michael moore's back bacon.
[6]surely goodness, strong acid, a sri lankan hooker hung like a donkey, and my shadow will follow me all the days of my long non-assploding life: and i will dwell in the house of dubya for three more years and the republican representatives shall dwell in their house with a majority for no more than 100 years but no less than 94 and the senate shall pass legislation to allow the remaining democrat to keep their seat as a memorial to a once great party.

dont forget to take some sunscreen; when people explode it can give a nasty c4 burn. kind of like sunburn except you typically die from it. also dont take any crap from those people, they can barely speak english.

The 13sides staff has uncovered the answer to the $64,000 question. In a move that is being described as swift and decisive, North Tulsa U-haul and Tool Rental sales associate Tammy Mezersmith has been promoted to assistant manager by President Bush. Tammy has had an excellent 4 week run renting wood chippers and 24' moving trucks.

When reached for comment, Tammy said, "This was totally unexpected. I'd could never have done this without the Bush Adminstration. I now have 8 Dartmouth English Literature majors working for me!"

The religion of peace strikes again.

"When the satellite channels reported on the scope of the terrifying destruction in America [caused by] this wind, I was reminded of the words of [Prophet Muhammad]: 'The wind sends torment to one group of people, and sends mercy to others.' I do not think — and only Allah [really] knows — that this wind, which completely wiped out American cities in these days, is a wind of mercy and blessing. It is almost certain that this is a wind of torment and evil that Allah has sent to this American empire.
- Muhammad Yousef Al-Mlaifi, director of the Kuwaiti Ministry of Endowment's research center

Hat-tip to Boortz.

Seems some fellas who probably know a little about levees think funding wasn't to blame for New Orleans.

According to The Corps of Engineers, it would take $2.5 billion dollar levee system to protect New Orleans from a category 5 hurricane. But Dodeca-dork wants you to believe that Bush's $5 million dollar cut for Hurricane levees would have saved New Orleans. Nevermind the FACT the levees around N.O. were designed to handle a category 3 hurricane (Katrina was a Category 4 at landfall, and the levees were working fine.) Or the FACT that in 1965 after Hurricane Betsy left New Orleans under 8 feet of water, a project to build up the levees was never finished, mainly because of lasseiz-faire government (by the way, that was 40 years ago). Or the FACT the decsision to build levees for a Category 3 hurricane was made decades ago.

According to Horatio's hometown newspaper, Congress funded a study in 1999 to study to see how much it would cost to protect New Orleans from a Category 5 hurricane. Unfortunately, the study isn't supposed to start until next year. Guess Bush somehow can be blamed for that as well.

bush will throw in the proverbial towel this afternoon because of all the pressures being exerted against him for the iraq war and now the complete devastation of the central gulf coast. in a statement to be released during an afternoon press conference, bush will explain that he has finally lost the ability to predict the future. rampant complaints about bush have escalated to a more vindictive level since hurricane katrina hit land.

the president will also be taking the father, son and holy ghost (cheney, rove, and rummy) with him. in a prepared statement cheney says "since the time machine broke down things have been so much harder...almost impossible". rove seconded cheney's sentiments, "george and i were tossing the football in the oval office. i went deep for a pass and knocked over our crystal ball. needless to say it got real quiet in there and suddenly tossing the old pig skin wasnt as much fun". 13sides had a chance to meet personally with rummy for breakfast consisting of babies and muslims. rummy says he doesnt really want to leave because he was ramping up his "war on idiot journalists" and really thinks the army corps of engineers can fix cheney's time machine. having received a copy of bush's statements we would like share them with our readership:

"i, president george w. bush, will resign from the office of president of the united states, effective immediately. all those people out there are so mean to me now im unable to predict the future. i had a good run and im proud i had a chance to serve the wonderful people of the united states of america. i have asked my good buddy john 'christmas in cambodia' kerry to get the senate to suspend the normal chain of command and to get horatio to be the new president. it is clear horatio knows everything and can predict the future...which is exactly what we need for president. if horatio is unable to serve then maybe someone else in the liberosphere will step up to the plate and do something more than criticize. thank you and god bless america."

for those of you who like to blame bush i have a few questions...

if it was so evident the levees were going to break why did you wait until AFTER the hurricane to prove your point?
if it was so evident sending national guardsmen to iraq would be such a danger to natural disaster recovery why did you wait until AFTER the hurricane to make that argument?
if it was so evident the organization and funding of fema was such a disaster why did you wait until AFTER the hurricane to complain about it?

i think i know the answer. liberals dont love anyone other than those who spout the same mindless, thoughtless drivel as josh marshall, dailykos and randi "baghdad betty' rhodes. these people want others to die. it is the only thing that will prove their twisted arguments. all it took was one soldier to be killed in iraq before the rats came out of the woodwork screaming and yelling and protesting the war. however, it is icing on the cake almost 2,000 have been killed in their eyes. as more and more of our soldiers die, the happier they become...the more they enjoy a good smirk before they go back to writing osama love letters and raising taxes.

then comes katrina...and you've never heard such glee from the left. its really the silver lining to lives not worth living. the liberosphere was up late with the lexis nexis doing all they could to pin the disaster on someone with an 'r' after their name. in fact, some where even claiming mother nature could be a republican, seeing as how mother nature never loses an election. anyway, it was almost palpable...the coinciding butts puckering up could have drained lake pontchartrain in less than an hour. yet instead of lending a hand the left have worked themsleves up quite an erection.

worse than any terrorist organization, worse than any natural disaster, worse than the wrath of god himself, these people feed on death. they are peddlers of the sick, the dying, the lost, the dead, the lonely, the homesick, the devastated. they feed off of these emotions for without them they would have nothing to say. it would be quiet...almost peaceful. unfortunately for those of us not wanting to blame, for those of us who understand there are lives to be saved and looking back won't take us forward right now, for those of us who understand compassion, for those of who want to end suffering and for those of us who do it all so quietly...we are drowned in the din of irrationality and hate that has become modern liberalism.

unable to win elections or to affect any realistic policies or to even advance anything remotely close to an original thought the liberal blogosphere (liberosphere) is dealing with their own disaster. in the midst of the worst natural disaster of our nation's history the liberosphere has taken great pains to rescue the submerged pumps of new orleans, not to save the thousands stranded, dying refugees but so they can pump out their own stupidity into internet space.

for all the time spent digging up old articles of fema and budget allotments and complaining about what the president was doing they could have been raising money or telling people where to send money or aid...or help organize what we can do to help those with nothing more than the clothes they are wearing.
ive thought long and hard about what we could do to remedy these people who do nothing more than complain about how bad our lord and president is but have never said how they would do things differently...its so easy to criticize, especially when you're worthless.

here is my solution. since the "people" in the liberosphere dont really add anything to our country, we should send them to iraq to hug the terrorists and to talk the terrorists into leaving us alone. hopefully the terrorists will show them the same hospitality as they showed
Daniel Pearl. lord knows the liberosphere would be easy to find with all of the shrill screaming and whining. it makes me so tired to have to see such stupidity...maybe they'll go away after mid-terms and the complete collapse of the democratic party as we know it...ill keep my fingers crossed.

  1. The 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
  2. The Dust Bowl
  3. The Irish Potato Famine
  4. Cindy Sheehan
  5. Mt. St. Helens
Horatio also wanted me to include the < censored to placate the liberal whiners - they bruise easily > but I assured him this was not a natural disaster.

UPDATE (The Octagon): The Dr. likes to drink heavily before surgery, so we had to censor the above post above due to some off cool remarks. He's a mean drunk.

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