And now for the most bizarre thing I've seen in the last 24 hours (other than Horatio thinking that Irv Gotti, the head of Murder Inc. records, was somehow related to the Gambino Crime Family):

Meet Prussian Blue. These 2 cute 13 year-old twins sing songs that most teenage girls can relate to. Boys, Peer Pressure, Shopping, School. Wait, no, that's wrong. They sing about White Power.

Unfortunately, it seems the only thing these girls are doing to the White Power movement is injecting a little pedophilia, because I don't think these girls are gonna make it in the music business. That is, unless the Gambino Crime family signs them to a development deal.




i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. the penguin and i spent the break starting forest fires.

so 13sides has filed suit against the american atheists. these are the type of people who try to steal christmas from little johnny and sweet little sally. these are the people who want to tear down our nativities and to put our crucifixes in jars of non-beliving urine. 13sides has decided to file suit on behalf of those of us who arent crazy to prevent atheists from their religious displays of nothing. year round when i drive by my local courthouse there is always an athiest display of nothing. whenever i drive by my local town hall, there is not an atheist display of their ten commandments, which really means there are...since they believe in nothing, the simple fact there is nothing there means they are displaying and pushing their views on the rest of the community. this is a clear example of a breach of seperation of church and state....we'll keep you posted.




For most of the college football nation, this was Rivalry Weekend. Thank God the good Doctor was able to bring me out of cardiac arrest so I could enjoy the rest of the day's highlights. Unfortunately, it's just impossible to watch every game so I get updates over my 3rd-world broadband access (dial-up) thanks to the lack of free-market presence in the liberal-wet-dream that is my host country.

Anyone surfing around likely saw that the University of Miami has two more reasons to be proud of their 'Canes. First, an inexcusable home loss to Georgia Tech. And my favorite, the coming out party for The Seventh Floor Crew, a collection of Miami's finest, gang-banging hood rats and rapping about it. I love how the press and UM fans are worried that this could tear down the pride they've built up over the past 5 years. Yeah, morons, this could ruin the fine reputation that 'Canes like Kellen Winslow, Jr. worked so hard to uphold in your "proud" era.

Anyone remember the orignal "Crew"? The Shuffling Crew. You know, it was about the same time Steve Guttenburg was the funnist man alive. I think the world could use more family-friendly football rap.




dear lord...

the award for "quote of the week" goes to chet (no kidding) edwards, d- texas. "Name just one religion in the world that preaches the value of asking the most of those who have the least and asking nothing of those who have the most," said Chet Edwards, D-Texas. "Sadly, that is what this budget does." even i am not creative enough to make that up.

the award for "dont make eye contact, they'll stampede" goes to all the rino's that voted against the $602 billion bill that would freeze government agency budgets and freeze spending. we're going to lose in 2006 even if we hold the majorities.

the award for "do you like the smell of my mosque" goes to more peace loving desert monkeys who blew up a mosque. of course president bush took responsibility, why? because we all know its his fault anyway.

the award for "quit crying, you're going to blow yourself up anyway" goes to all of the muslims who complain about alledged torture in iraq. its amazing the same people who blow themselves up, willingly mind you, will complain about a couple of anal probes and electro-shock therapy to their genitals. sissies...

the award for "who cares? they all die when you shoot them" goes to iraqi insurgents and to those people with nothing better to do than find out where insurgents come from. my question is if the people know how many there are, then why aren't they telling someone where they are?

the award for "world's most lovable dick" goes to the son (of the father, son, and holy ghost) dick cheney. thank you cheney for finally saying what we are all thinking...."f*** off".

the award for "powerful player? who are you?" goes to rep. john murtha, d - pa, who says we need to get out of iraq. does that mean when kennedy, clinton, leahy, reid, and pelosi say stuff like that it is ignored because they are not 'powerful players' but when john murtha speaks....people listen? sounds to me the headline should read 'another democrat chews on foot in public.....again'.

the award for "for the love of all that is good and pure, we are still talking about this?" goes to the wapo and woodward for allowing us to relive the worst crime in u.s. history that was never a crime, but should have been a crime because people think it should be a crime and dick cheney is involved.

the award for "shakes the clown lifetime achievement" goes to fidel castro and his parkinson's. bad things happen to bad people.

the award for "jumping into first place" on the u.s. world tour of democracy goes to iran. all i know is they are muslim and would probably blow themselves up, so i say go for it.

the award for "worst run organization" goes to the u.n. who has taken their ball and gone home because the u.s. wont let them have full access to detainees at gitmo. i for one would like to put them all in the same room, last man standing gets a running start into 'free' cuba.




The team at 13sides has found something astonishing that seems to have gone unnoticed by scholars for decades (or more likely hidden by the Nights Templar, or John Voit). What is it you ask? Why a subtle asterisk at the end of the ...unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness* part in the Declaration of Independence. Using state of the art techniques (taken from the first Beverly Hills Copy movie - remember the turtle, matches and glue?), the asterisk was found late last evening. Upon further investigation, leading into the early morning hours, the asterisk was found on the back of the document:

* and the right to a free hotel room, provided indefinitely by the Federal government.




You all know what happens. If you smack a Dick around long enough, it'll shoot back at you. Our Dick usually likes dark, wet, unmentionable holes which he can move in and out of, but tonight we decided to take our Dick out in public. And as usual, our Dick never disappoints:

"The President and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone – but we're not going to sit by and let them rewrite history."
Read the speech at Powerline.





13sides has been very successful with our ventures into the free market of retail. we sold tens of our sheehan shirts and at least one homosexual punching bag (thanks penguin). at our weekly board meeting in the shallow end (irony anyone?) of the good doctors pool we began discussing how to leverage ourselves into retail markets not yet explored. after we convinced the octagon molotov cocktails made with french wine bottles that would only explode on peugots was a bit too ambitious, we decided to go back into merchandising. im not sure if it was the high chlorine content, the fact i had not gone up for air for half an hour, or the penguin re-enacting his favorite scene of march of the penguins on the good doctor, but it finally hit me. just like a bomb going off, 13sides will now make and distribute the "biggity bomb belt". this will be a very nice belt made from only the highest quality felt, yarn, c4, and some minor electronics for detonation. with the money we raised for katrina victims we will be able to manufacture at least 6 belts, so you better order fast. whatever is left over the octagon will be taking to the middle east for what he likes to call a little "u.n. peacekeeping". these belts have sold so well in the middle east but they are expensive when made by muslims as a result of their smaller brains and complete and total inability to see reason. and since 13sides encourages islam-o-whack-jobs to continue their crusade to wipe themselves out as well as we have the means to make the belts cheaper, we think we have the next great product since shoes with velcro.

pictured to your left (my right) is our newest model. to borrow a great line, "i can't pronounce her name, so i just call her thundercat".





seems like our peace loving towel heads are at it again. this time they hit a kfc. now that is just hitting below the belt. hitting military targets, or targets that will cause great civilian casualties, or even military installations is completely acceptable, in fact i encourage it. the more of themselves they blow up, the less there are (simple math). i think we need to call in the colonel and put a stop to this...besides muslims eat chicken, maybe there were targeting the piggly wiggly down the street.




I'll give you a quote, you guess who said it.
  1. "I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force — if necessary — to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security."
  2. “We are in possession of what I think to be compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has, and has had for a number of years, a developing capacity for the production and storage of weapons of mass destruction.”
  3. “We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction.”
  4. “We know that he (Saddam Hussein) has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country.”
  5. “Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime … He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation … And now he is miscalculating America’s response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction … So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real…”

Answers are in the comments.




As the good Dr. said, I've just returned back from Panama to find that I'm invited to be the 11th side of 13sides (Dr. N, Tony the Pony, and the octagon being the first 10 sides). I'm not as funny as the rest, so I figure my contribution could be field reporting. Sort of like Anderson Cooper from the 90s, without the sodomy.

For those who haven't been there, Panama is like Miami, only more people speak English. The growth there in the past 15 years is startling. There're huge buildings, the downtown area is very clean, and there are more malls than in a 13-year-old girl's wet dream.

I arrived in Panama, coincidentally, the same day as President Bush, last Monday. While Panamanian government officials chauffeured me around the city and wined and dined me to bring American jobs to their country, the rest of Panama was protesting my President. I asked if they were protesting the free trade agreements (CAFTA) and was told "No. CAFTA will do more for Panama than the US." I asked if it was the USAID and other money we give them that pissed them off - maybe it was a pride thing. "No, we've used that to build schools, hospitals, and other infrastructure." I asked if it was the canal - built by Americans, run for them for 85 years, then given to them outright- did they want to give it back? "Ha, ha, ha. No, we'll keep it, thanks." (And thank you, Jimmy Carter.)

"It's the US presence in Iraq," I was told. "Many Panamanians think it's wrong for the US to interfere." I thought about that for about 10 seconds. Maybe it would be hard for Panamanians to understand how the US could invade a country, overthrow an oppressive dictator, install a constitutional republic, and create a peaceful, free, independent country. Then I remembered something. (Panama is paging Mr. Noriega, Mr. Manuel Noriega. Please meet your party at the isthmus of Central America.)

What did I learn? Panama is 95 degrees when it's raining: hypocrisy is best served hot.




shall we?

the award for "nobel peace prize" goes to al-qaida for yet another explosive display of peace. we give this in memory of some of the great nobel winners: arafat for killing jews, the un for raping little girls and selling oil instead of feeding the destitue, gorbachev for single handedly bringing an entire nation to its knees, the un peacekeeping forces for allowing american troops to die first, sadat for killing even more jews...i could go on but i have much to do.

the award for "no one really cared about you anyway" goes out to the three bali bombers who made a tape condemning the west. turns out they were so emphatic of destroying the west, they blew themselves up...makes sense to me.

the award for "hi, have we met? we'll bomb you to the stone age" goes to some rag head in the sudan for yelling at a u.s. official. oh well, abu el-bashir-sudiki-mahatma-hotdog will probably blow himself up soon anyway.

the award for "not as good as inspector gadget" goes to paddy fitzgerald. looks like paddy forgot to interview, well...people...

the award for "least likely to defend himself" goes to france. silly frogs...maybe they'll learn killing muslims isn't so bad after all.

the award for "get a job you dirty towel head" goes to all the young muslim men who have nothing better to do with their time than to flip cars instead of burgers.




It's been a while since I've show myself on 13sides. I've been on a top secret mission to help the liberals take over... after reading Any Rand's Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged in quick succession while sniffing butane. I was only able to achieve marginal success in California. But, I think they knew something was up because I forgot I had on my NRA hat (may explain why I was pelted with ass cream in San Fran). It will be first to go. We will miss the Golden State... like one missing the haunting visions of that lonely tiger cage that come in the night... once you get off the meth, of course.

And how about those evil oil companies? Apparently, running a profitable business is now un-American, unless you give large chunks of you profits (don't these go to the share holders) to the government. Are we France yet?

Question: Do all liberals have poo in their ears?

In case the 2nd Amendment felt alone with it's recent attacks, my alma mater has issues with the 1st.

Another entry for my "things to drill list", Cynthia McKinney. But drilled with...



I must go vomit now.




I called up a young right-hander from Triple A the other day. He will be joining us very soon once his imperialist ventures in Central America are over. This guy is such a capitalist, he is offshoring his business to Panama because the wages he is paying to his workers are just too high....and his business is in Costa Rica.

I'll leave it up to the rookie for his own introduction when he gets back, but I'll leave you with this:






1. ANWR
2. ANWR
3. San Francisco (into the fault, to trigger the big one and flush the toilet into the sea)
4. ANWR
5. Cindy Sheehan (scary)




you never hear about a suicide bombing going bad. i doubt very seriously allah has taught his boys how to handle explosives so they never go off early. i think we need to explore why there isnt more premature exploding and try to encourage that....lord knows they arent learning it in the bed room. believe me, i was there. also i wonder if they still get all of the virgins if they blow their load too early? is there some type of system, like say they get within sight of the target and accidentally flip the switch do they get say 50 virgins? maybe its the thought that counts. if that is the case maybe we will be blessed with a generation of lazy muslims. mulsims too lazy to go find c4, strap it to themselves and go find a cafe. all i know is if my bomb went off before i was ready, and i got to heaven and only got say 36 virgins, i'd be pissed. id probably walk right up to allah and slap his bearded face and take his women. but then i think about it...72 virgins...these guys cant even keep their women happy on earth...who do you think thought of the idea to have men blow themselves up? ill tell you who, muslim women who leave the bedroom unsatisfied because mustafa won't munch on the prayer rug if you know what i mean.

daddy always told me, ugly girls need loving too.




ill admit it...i listen to air america. i especially love the randi rhodes show. everytime i try to give up heroin i turn on the radio and listen to my muse of liberalism. next thing i know i have tapped a vein and touching myself listening to that wonderful yankee jew voice. though she tries to maintain a very french level of secularity i think we can all agree randi rhodes is a jew. i dont have problems with jews...they are one of the only groups of people i truly love, i mean come on, they've been through enough without me making fun of them, however, part of me wishes randi was born about 1930 or so....

some thing i cant figure out is this fascination she has with the things she perceives that america is doing to intentionally hurt others. well this afternoon i was able to sit down and have an interview with randi:

tony the pony: thanks for meeting me here and thanks for finding my pants.
randi rhodes: you're welcome. let me just say president bush...
ttp: uh yeah, hold on there champ, you got a lighter?...thanks...wanna hit this?...no? okay. my first question is, why do you hate jews?
rr: well if our cia agents had any kind of security and didnt have to worry about...
ttp: do you have anyone who loves you?
rr: of course i do. im loved everywhere, in fact in west palm beach i single handedly swung the 2000 election. speaking of which, if america spent less time torturing...
ttp: seriously though. can you hear your voice? its almost like you are a deaf retard drowning in jell-o while screeching like a pterodactyl.
rr: i know the truth, i know the truth, bush is a liar. i dont need facts, i have the internet.
ttp: jesus randi, my dog's head just exploded. seriously can you lower your voice?
rr: thats just what the republicans want, they try to keep me off armed forces radio...
ttp: there are enough suicide bombers in iraq without you driving our soldiers to it.
rr: they wont listen when i tell them about how cheney paid rove to get bush elected so condi can plot the overthrow of middle eastern governments....

(at this time i had to go to the bathroom and vomit. i think she may have ruptured my ear drum)

rr: ...so in conclusion republicans are all gay.
ttp: not that there's anything wrong with that.
rr: right.
ttp: right. and thanks for coming. maybe you can visit iraq and get shot in the face.





i enjoy bombing things. churches, homes, banks, playgrounds, restaurants. there is nothing more satisfying than watching a very large explosion....well except maybe huffing butane. luckily muslims are very good at satisfying my needs. i spend a lot of time in the middle east "consoling" the wives of suicide bombers and tossing the ol' pig skin around with their newly fatherless children. in light of recent events i would like to thank the muslims of the world for helping me help myself to their wives. there is something very "let's make a deal" about a woman in a burkha. dont worry though i use protection (see image). my only real question is, is it genocide if you do it to yourself?

i can only hope they wipe themselves out.




Ok, you know the drill. Religion of peace, bombs, death. This time in Amman, Jordan at a couple of hotels. 13sides knows this attack wasn't because these hotels serve sausage or bacon at their continental breakfast, cause they don't. And it probably wasn't because of the lack of choices of Grade A pornography on Spanktravision, cause we've never been disappointed. We're guessing it's because someone scheduled a wedding on a Wednesday at the Radisson (and Muhammad had to miss Trading Spouses on Fox), or the abundance of "white" towels, OR these terrorists are just murderous sons of beeches.

Seriously, can you imagine living in a world where Islam wasn't so "Peaceful"?




Swollen anus capital and moonbat central, San Francisco passed Proposition H (I swear it has nothing to do with the ass-cream), banning all handguns. Proposition I also passed, a resolution aimed at opposing the military's efforts to recruit at the public schools.

I can't wait for the big one. To steal a line from Dennis Leary, I'm gonna sit on my couch with a t-bone steak and a 4 foot erection watching the carnage when an earthquake takes out San Francisco and residents will be forced to stop looters with patchouli and ben wa balls. Weren't these idiots watching the news after Katrina? And please, whoever takes the call from the governor who will be asking for the national guard, let it go to voicemail.

"Take your hands off of my methadone or I'll beat you with my jackrabbit."





13sides is officially endorsing newt gingrich for president in 2008. who else better to pound hillary than the man who orchestrated the death of the hillary health care plan. the man is such a fiscal conservative he has been wearing the same suit since he left washington. he is an honorable man who has already had every skeleton dug up and exposed...so what will the media have left to suprise people with? the most important thing we need to realize is his name is newt. i mean seriously how cool would it be for the largest most powerful country in the world to be led by a man named 'newt'.




1. begging
2. pleading
3. coaxing
4. beseeching
5. wooing
6. soliciting (not the bill clinton kind)
7. cajoling
8. coddling
9. petition
10. make them senator of arizona




seamen call for un piracy task force




seems like the french people have the same problem us god loving, patriotic, bush voting, kerry hating, americans do: muslims freaking out just because you've hooked a couple of them up to car batteries. now i know that france will probably surrender to two guys with a brick sometime this week but for now they are standing strong and using serious language indicating it is possible that at some time in the future discussions will commence to begin the research of what would be necessary in case the violence escalated to the point where thier petulance might be endangered.

as much as i hate to say id have to put my money on the muslims in this case...however, if france is overrun by muslim extremists and it becomes the new training ground for terrorists we (the u.s.) should do what france would do for us...ask the muslims to leave and when they start throwing feces, just shrug our shoulders and walk away.




there's nothing i love more than to go to the zoo. i love the elephants and the monkeys. but most importantly i love the tiger cages. i find watching people escorted to insanity endearing. i would say my heart goes out to them but in reality i have no heart and i am usually so bombed by the time i get there all i can do is scream racial epithets and obscure shakespearean quotes.

speaking of tiger cages our favorite senator john 'me love you long time' mccain has come up with a plan almost as brilliant as the tet offensive. johnny boy wants to add anti-torture legislation to every bill passed until the president signs it. senator mccain and i are long time friends. most of the scars on his face are due to the side effects of a brilliant meth addiction i helped him start. everytime i get him juiced up and we go to the zoo he freaks out at the tiger cage and takes off. when we find him later on, he has painted his face in camouflage, is completely naked, and whispers "the horror, the horror". ive never quite understood this reaction until now. john mccain hates america. follow me for a moment; john mccain spent like a hundred years in a tiger cage in viet nam. he managed to come home and not be crazy and manages to be a senator. he now wants to prevent the u.s. from using things like tiger cages because he is afraid one of the mulsims will become a senator too and he could not use his excuse of being a poor soldier and getting captured anymore. he would have to rely on his wife's drug addiction for sympathy.

we're on to you john.




ill never understand why michael moore's father had sexual relations with a cheeseburger. ill never understand how that cheeseburger was to give birth to a human.

ill never understand why nancy pelosi always seems to be in a state of shock.

ill never understand people's fascination with poll numbers. the american people were dumb when 62 million voted for president bush, now they are geniuses saying he's doing a bad job. i just want someone to tell me whether im dumb or not.

ill never understand why clowns find me so attractive.





I love this sum bitch, even if he is a Democrat. His grand wealth redistribution scheme took money out of the poor downtrodden democratic base and put it in the hands of studious middle class white kids (See Lottery Funded Hope Grant). It put my ass through college. I don't think there is a politician alive that sticks to his guns and speaks more common sense.

Zell wrote an excellent guest column for the Atlanta Jurinal and Constipation the other day regarding the Valerie Plame outing and following indictment. GIVE EM HELL, ZELL!




First of all, an apology:

I'm sorry. Unlike Tony, I had to do a brief stint at the county with some other members of the democratic base for buying crack cocaine with my FEMA check. I've also been busy downloading pornography to my new video IPod. And if that isn't a segway.....

Horatio was getting all upset about a T-shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch. Pardon me if I give a rat's ass. Appears a Republican Pennsylvania politician got upset about it too. Therefore, I expect Horatio to issue a full retraction very soon.

A morality issue a little more intriguing is happening at the University of California-San Diego. Seems someone has been a naughty boy! Steven York, champion of free speech, has had his programs aired on University run TV where he is having sex with a porn star. Steven doesn't seem to mind that people are offended, claiming "it's part of the college experience." I tend to think Steven would be the first to complain about a confederate flag hanging from a dormroom wall or the meeting of the College Republicans, but I digress...

But I dare you complain! One of his fellow students did. Steven responded by superimposing her face on the pornstar. Nice one Steven, you sure showed her!

University rules states that SRTV can air "indecent" but not "obscene" material. Station manager Tiffany Wrapp backs York.
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with the University's stance on this one. Take a look at the video on foxnews. Having sex with a "pornstar" with a gunt that big is definitely obscene.





shut up. ive had things to do and i was in a coma for three days due to an overdose of baby aspirin and vodka. lets get down to business.

the award for "you may be brown but no one cares" goes to the people protesting the summit of americas. dont bite the hand that feeds you.

the award for "countries that would surrender to themselves if they could" goes to france for doing such a wonderful job of managing their arabs. i bet france will become the new breeding ground for terrorists...no wait, thats michigan.

the award for "we'll still call you scooter" goes to david addington who will replace lewis libby in taking the fall for contrived accusations by hairy reed and his ilk.

the award for "its not a leak if nothing gets out" goes to valerie plame and her husband who's name i cant remember. its a good thing she has tried to continue to conceal her identity.



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