So Horatio thinks Bush is the worst president ever, since it's his fault New Orleans is under water. Nothing like a good natural disaster to stir up the myrmidons...

9/11: Clinton's fault
Iraq: Clinton's fault
North Korea: Clinton's fault (with help from Carter)
China (talk to me in 20 yrs.): Clinton's fault
Panama: Carter's fault
Iran: Carter's fault

Published Wednesday, August 31, 2005 by The Octagon.

"For ye practise your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds"

Qur'an 7:81

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Tony was way too hung over from the warm beer to make the trek, but I'm on my way to New Orleans to help out with the hurricane relief. I've sighted in my M-82A1, thanks to a few beaners, and am primed and ready to help out as a looter shooter in New Orleans. Unfortunately, dirty arabs don't travel well (they tend to explode) or we'd also have a nice security perimeter plan for the more heavily looted areas.

Published by The Octagon.

last night i was sitting on the mexican border smoking hashish and drinking warm beer. the octagon was with me but i couldn't see him...i could hear the gun shots though. he was on top of a little knoll shooting at beaners trying to cross the border. being a pacifist and terribly lazy, i decided i would join him in so far as i would only sit in an old lawn chair and sweat.

about midnight the octagon took a break and came back to base camp. he was looking dapper in his new pin-stripe mob suit carrying a very large high powered sniper rifle. he told me he only got one hit and it was just an old lady. we began to discuss the immigration problem and how it affects terrorism in the mother land...or father land...i never know which one to call the u.s.

what is the solution to a very difficult problem? i was unable to think clearly enough to volunteer any help other than incoherent babble and the occasional vomiting fit. however, the octagon came up with a wonderful idea. allow me some time to sketch it out for you. first, we withdraw from iraq. completely and totally. we dont bring the troops home because we dont want the terrorists to think we are going to fortify our borders. we send the troops to france to just hang out and make the frogs nervous. then we get a bunch of whacky muslims, put stakes in the ground on the border and tie the dirty arabs to the stakes. then when the mexicans are trying to cross they will see another brown skinned compadre and not really think anything of it...however, as well all know if you get too close to a muslim they will explode. what a surprise that will be for people crossing illegally. it will be like a human minefield.

it is a win win for everyone involved, except the mexicans of course...and farms...and construction companies...and maid services but other than that the pork monkeys get to blow themselves up and we get to secure our borders.

pure genius if you ask me. now if you'll excuse me i have to go vomit again.

Published by tony the pony.

Horatio told me the shocking tale of David Reimer, the canadian man who was born with a stink-hammer, had it accidentally cut off by a canadian doctor, went to Baltimore to get a hoo-ha, didn't like it, and later tried to test inertia with a handgun and lost.

I think we can all learn something from this. Socialized Medicine will cut off your bow-legged swamp donkey. And then they will make skin cream out of it.

Published Tuesday, August 30, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Published by The Octagon.

13sides would like to welcome its newest member, the octagon. he is kind of like the pentagon but with three extra factions besides army, navy, airforce, marines, coast guard; the extra factions are s.a.r.s, the hiv, and balloon animals. the octagon is a recent graduate from northwestern illinois school for the deaf, dumb and blind. though our octagon is not a retard or some type of capper (short for handicapped) he does enjoy the occasional 'elephant man' role play....and cher song. now working as a professional anarchist he organizes anarchist meetings under very strict rules and regulations. he is also going to be our resident field reporter bringing us information and stories from the front of the stage at u.n. strip shows and from the back rooms where the u.n. officials like to make 'oreos' (i dont know what that means).

anyway lets give a round of applesauce to the octagon.

Published by tony the pony.

sometimes we dont get the whole the story. we all know the media is biased against the truth, christians, gays, and one eyed jacks. we here at 13sides appreciate how insensitive the media can be to all of us and want to set the record straight on a very important issue....the issue of prisoners.

now, people may try and get you to believe these dirty arabs were set free as some part of an agreement to placate the sunnis. however, this is not true at all. the reason the us is letting these prisoners go is because upon burying these brown bastards the mass graves are more like mine fields. these crazy pig lovers will explode even dead. scientists have been studying what makes these muslim monkeys continue to assplode but as of now, no one really wants to get close enough to explore and not because of the explosions but because they smell like old bacon. anyway, 13sides will follow this story closely...but not too closely; we hate bacon.

Published Monday, August 29, 2005 by tony the pony.

i spent some time this morning reading about bill clinton former pastor the reverend fred phelps. he is taking his preaching and his message of moral consciousness across the atlantic to sweden. but after doing a little poking around and looking at stuff on the internet it turns out the reverend is a liberal.

i know you are thinking, "fred cant be a lib...he hates homos". well we all know in order to become a card carrying member of the communist party you must hate reality and support the "rights" of people who are so "oppressed" they are, demographically speaking, the richest and wealthiest among us...but you must also hate regular rich people...its confusing but marx was never really clear about much.

the first example is hillary's former lover the reverend agrees with cindy sheehan. seems they can both agree people who graduate from ivey league schools, run successful businesses, become govenor, and then president....twice, are without convictions and a liar. of course your friendly author would agree because bill clinton did the same things and we all know he has no convictions and was even convicted of being a liar, liar pants on fire.

the second example is both liberals and jesse jackson's mentor believe ronald reagan is burning in hell. of course we all know this is not true. liberals dont believe in anything really. well, not really. they only dis-believe what rational people believe. this, i feel, will prove to be lots of fun during mid-terms and the '08 elections.

the final example is sheehaninites and howard dean's partner all hate america. granted they hate america for two totally different reasons. the reverend hates...well we know what he hates and liberals hate america because its not china. those crazy kids love human rights violations.

Published Saturday, August 27, 2005 by tony the pony.

Sometimes you just gotta look yourself in the mirror and say "When in Rome."

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

I can honestly say I'm not shocked at this.

Published Friday, August 26, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

From reading his previous attempts at humor, I cannot tell if Horatio was trying to be funny or not when he offered the world this steaming turdburger:

Haven't done the research on this one, but I bet that the fatter you are, the more likely you are to have voted for George W. Bush. Idiots! 40%!

I would assume from his lack of poll data (which he is so fond of), he is basing this assumption on the fact that if I'm republican, I'm probably rich, and therefore can buy more food. That is, in fact, true. What he doesn't understand is that I have a personal trainer and my private country club allows me to walk 18 holes with my black caddy carrying my bag (he's on atkins as well!).

I, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, would like to issue this counterpoint. Crack cocaine is a horrible epidemic that plagues our nation's inner cities. I haven't done the research on this one, but I bet that if you smoke crack, it is more likely that you vote Democrat. I mean, we've all seen Jesse Jackson pull up the buses in the projects to take the crackheads to vote, and I doubt they voted for Bush!

Published Thursday, August 25, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

so it turns out pat robertson is not the only one to claim the title 'natural born killer'. our favorite midget george standontopofphonebooks can also kick a little ass. i love it when midgets wrestle., especially mental midgets like standingupforfreedom.

what truly amazes me is pat robertson was crucified yesterday for saying hugo 'boss' chavez should have a large hole in his head and standingonastool has nothing said about him and wanting to kill saddam.

side note: im glad we havent done anything to saddam like invade iraq. those darn democrats keep trying to scare us into believing someone like saddam can be dangerous...silly democrats.

i think we need a cage match. standinglookslikesitting versus pat robertson. my money would be on the swift, the silent, the short stepuptotheplate. he has managed to threaten world leaders AND get his own sunday morning talk show. all pat robertson has done is saved a million souls from the damnation and hellfire of not accepting jesus h. christ into their homes and hearts. but who cares about that? stinksuptheplace has the clintons on his side and i dont care what you say, two devils beat one carpenter everyday of the week. besides stoplookingdownonme doesn't play by the rules...if international law means nothing to him then surely he will ignore any pleas to keep it clean and not pull brass knuckles out of his tiny shoes. democrats are cheaters.

Published by tony the pony.

Contrary to popular belief, there are only 3 degrees of separation between Kevin Bacon and I.

Published Wednesday, August 24, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

This is the email I sent to Onyi with the details of the Western Union Transaction:

Here are the details for the MoneyGram Transaction:

Sent to: Kingsley Raphael
State: Enugu
Country: Nigeria

Control Number for Transaction: 7709087383
Amount: $3750 (USD)

Secret Question: What is Cynthia's favorite pet?
Answer: Her foot long Alabama black snake.

I hope i did all of this correctly. I believe it is God's will. He brought you to me and wants us to be together forever.

I Love you,
Cytnhia.


Editors Note: That control number above is actually a rejection hotline for a local radio station.

Next is the Transcript after he returned from Western Union.

Transcript #1


[18:25] onyidollars: hello
[18:25] onyidollars: is not fair
[18:25] onyidollars: u made me a laughing object
[18:26] onyidollars: i thought you are a christan
[18:26] onyidollars: is not fair at all
[18:26] cynthia_mckinney_8891: who said anything about me being a christian?
[18:27] onyidollars: you would have tell me that you wouldnt send the money
[18:28] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i DID
[18:28] cynthia_mckinney_8891: so help me god, if Western Union lost that money
[18:29] onyidollars: u said money gram
[18:29] cynthia_mckinney_8891: whatever, same difference
[18:29] onyidollars: is not
[18:29] cynthia_mckinney_8891: it was nearly a month ago
[18:29] cynthia_mckinney_8891: if you knew the trauma i was suffering, it was an easy mistake
[18:30] onyidollars: police is after me
[18:30] cynthia_mckinney_8891: what did you do?
[18:30] onyidollars: they gave me 1 month
[18:30] cynthia_mckinney_8891: RUN
[18:30] cynthia_mckinney_8891: 1 month for what
[18:31] onyidollars: i went to the bank to collect the money
[18:31] onyidollars: they said that is fake
[18:32] onyidollars: they ask me to contact that person
[18:32] onyidollars: that send the money but i cant get you
[18:32] onyidollars: they seized my international passport
[18:33] onyidollars: becos i wanted if i get the money ,i will used it for my visa fee
[18:33] cynthia_mckinney_8891: how can we get it back??????
[18:33] cynthia_mckinney_8891: look, I'm sorry
[18:33] onyidollars: even if it is 1 dollar
[18:33] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I was in a HORRIBLE car accident
[18:34] cynthia_mckinney_8891: someone hit me in the back of my auto at 55 mph
[18:34] onyidollars: ity doesnt matter just for them to confirm that it is real
[18:34] cynthia_mckinney_8891: and I've been unable to leave my bed
[18:34] cynthia_mckinney_8891: today was my first day back at work
[18:35] onyidollars: sorry for that
[18:35] onyidollars: i am really sorry ok
[18:37] onyidollars: pls can i call you
[18:37] cynthia_mckinney_8891: yes
[18:38] onyidollars: your no
[18:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: 202-482-5149
[18:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I must leave now
[18:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: please hurry and call
[18:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I Love you
[18:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: god speed

The 202 number mentioned above is the Nigerian advance fee fraud hotline at the US State Department.



The 2nd Transcript below was from yesterday, when Onyi proposed marriage to Cynthia.

16:31] onyidollars: how are u today
[16:31] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i am ok
[16:31] onyidollars: i call you yesterday
[16:31] cynthia_mckinney_8891: yes
[16:32] onyidollars: what happen to your cell phone
[16:32] cynthia_mckinney_8891: unfortunately, it broke when i had my car accident
[16:33] cynthia_mckinney_8891: and i have not gotten it replaced
[16:33] onyidollars: i wasnt hearing what you are saying
[16:33] onyidollars: so which one did i called
[16:34] cynthia_mckinney_8891: my office number
[16:36] onyidollars: ok
[16:42] onyidollars: so how is your health
[16:42] cynthia_mckinney_8891: getting better
[16:42] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i injured my back
[16:43] onyidollars: thank GOD
[16:43] cynthia_mckinney_8891: thank GOD I injured my back? what the hell does that mean? are you a masochist? I am in pain!
[16:44] onyidollars: I mean thank GOD that you are now getting well
[16:44] cynthia_mckinney_8891: oh, ok, thanks :)
[16:45] onyidollars: sorry i mean no harm
[16:49] cynthia_mckinney_8891: did you get your passport back
[16:49] cynthia_mckinney_8891: ?
[16:51] onyidollars: i am still waiting now
[16:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: waiting for what
[16:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: those bastards at money gram to give me back my money?
[16:53] onyidollars: have been there
[16:54] onyidollars: go there and retify the problem
[16:59] onyidollars: i think that will be the only solution
[17:00] cynthia_mckinney_8891: they've pissed off the wrong sister
[17:00] onyidollars: yea
[17:01] onyidollars: so when shopuld i becomiong over
[17:01] onyidollars: pls even it is 1 dollar to prove my innocent to them
[17:02] onyidollars: just send it pls
[17:03] cynthia_mckinney_8891: ok, i will drive over there when i leave work
[17:03] cynthia_mckinney_8891: do i use the same address as before?
[17:04] onyidollars: send it to first bank of nigeria
[17:04] onyidollars: western union money transfer
[17:05] onyidollars: to kingsley rapheal
[17:05] cynthia_mckinney_8891: what is your account number?
[17:06] onyidollars: u cant send it there becos i dont have current account
[17:07] cynthia_mckinney_8891: where do you have a current account then?
[17:08] onyidollars: current account in nigeria is expensive here
[17:08] onyidollars: just send it like i said
[17:08] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but wouldn't it be safer to wire money directly to the account, rather than take the chance of some meaning us harm taking the money
[17:09] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I don't want to be frauded again
[17:10] onyidollars: just send to first bank of nigeria
[17:10] onyidollars: this is my no +2348030944316
[17:13] onyidollars: nobobdy is frading you ok
[17:14] cynthia_mckinney_8891: money gram is!
[17:14] onyidollars: not money gram
[17:14] onyidollars: is western union money transfer
[17:15] cynthia_mckinney_8891: the old one was
[17:15] cynthia_mckinney_8891: the first one
[17:15] cynthia_mckinney_8891: is that your phone number or your bank account number
[17:16] onyidollars: my phone no
[17:16] onyidollars: the western union is the going way to send the money
[17:16] onyidollars: pls
[17:16] cynthia_mckinney_8891: we have an international block on my phone
[17:17] cynthia_mckinney_8891: so unless you have a US number, i won't be able to hear your sweet voice
[17:17] onyidollars: ok
[17:17] onyidollars: so when should i expert it
[17:18] cynthia_mckinney_8891: 1 hour
[17:18] onyidollars: my visa will take 2weeks to be ready
[17:20] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but what if you don't get your passport back
[17:21] onyidollars: i will get it
[17:21] onyidollars: that why the money to settle them
[17:22] cynthia_mckinney_8891: ok
[17:24] onyidollars: u have to send me invitation
[17:24] cynthia_mckinney_8891: invitation for what baby, cause you know you are invited!
[17:24] onyidollars: i know
[17:25] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I want you to come to America so you can taste sweet freedom, and so I can tame your alabama black snake
[17:29] onyidollars: i will like you to come to nigeria for us to wed to enable us obtain marriage certificate
[17:29] cynthia_mckinney_8891: we will wed in america
[17:32] onyidollars: mumy i know that i can trust you
[17:32] onyidollars: the main problem is how can i get a VISA
[17:32] onyidollars: to get a Us visa here in very hard
[17:33] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but don't you want to live in America
[17:33] onyidollars: i want to live mumy
[17:34] onyidollars: that why i need your help and how we can make it together
[17:34] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but there are so many more opportunities in America
[17:34] onyidollars: ok
[17:35] onyidollars: how can you bring me to US
[17:35] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I don't know, I've never been to africa
[17:35] cynthia_mckinney_8891: most of our ancestors came over smuggled in hulls of ships, but I don't know anybody with a boat
[17:36] onyidollars: africa is very good
[17:36] onyidollars: infact there is a friend of my who got married with a tranidan tobago
[17:37] onyidollars: she came to africa and stay for 3 days and on the 4 day they wed together and went back to USA
[17:37] cynthia_mckinney_8891: that's wonderful
[17:38] cynthia_mckinney_8891: altho i don't think i could wait, i'd have to marry you on the first day so we could start bumpin uglies
[17:38] onyidollars: and I hope and belive that I will have you as my wife
[17:38] onyidollars: and I hope and belive that I will have you as my wife
[17:39] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i feel the same
[17:39] onyidollars: pls can you come to africa for me honey
[17:40] onyidollars: Or Shall you send to me an Invittation Letter to come
[17:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I guess I will come there if you don't have a way to get here
[17:41] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but I gotta tell you, Cynthia don't like snakes or lions
[17:42] onyidollars: mumy if you come here for me you will make things good start happning more for me
[17:43] onyidollars: here in africa we are enrich in culture which you will like most
[17:43] cynthia_mckinney_8891: like what?
[17:45] onyidollars: cultural dancer's, Mascurade, Native pot celemony
[17:45] onyidollars: and a lot of them
[17:45] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I helped create the Tupac Shakur museum
[17:46] onyidollars: oh that great
[17:46] onyidollars: and I wish to see that
[17:46] cynthia_mckinney_8891: you will when you come to america
[17:46] onyidollars: ok
[17:46] onyidollars: because I have a lot of interest in music
[17:46] cynthia_mckinney_8891: great
[17:47] onyidollars: I can write a song and sing it by my self
[17:47] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i would love to hear one, do you have any that you can send me
[17:48] onyidollars: I am still working through my album at the stuido for now befor it will be ready to be distribute
[17:49] onyidollars: after working on it i will send one
[17:49] onyidollars: to you
[17:49] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i once had a 3 some with Kid and Play. Remember them?
[17:50] onyidollars: ok
[17:50] onyidollars: mumy i wanna see you here in africa
[17:50] cynthia_mckinney_8891: Western union is about to close, my the time has escaped me
[17:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: we were talking and talking, i must go now
[17:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: so i can make it
[17:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: i want to see you too
[17:51] cynthia_mckinney_8891: but i must leave now
[17:51] onyidollars: ok
[17:51] onyidollars: i will call you on phone honey
[17:52] cynthia_mckinney_8891: ok
[17:52] onyidollars: i love you
[17:52] cynthia_mckinney_8891: I can't wait for you to split me like a rail
[17:52] cynthia_mckinney_8891: bye

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

why the need to pull out of iraq? last i checked things were moving in a better direction than they ever have in that godforsaken desert they call a country. iraq is the new training ground for assholes (read terrorists or muslims) and liberals. pulling out is so anti-climatic and would be very messy. we should continue putting our biggest cannons in them and unload round after round. i for one dont want the u.s. of 'the only protection i need is a missile' a to be compared to rapists or catholics. those people make a living pulling out and it just shows how they can never finish anything. i for one am glad we have a president who is willing stick to his guns and put his guns deep inside any country who has assholes and pound away until those assholes are left bloody.

the last thing we need now is some catholic like sheehan or some rapist like hagel trying to convince us that removing the thrust of our might from those assholes will help to protect us from the venereal disease that is radical islam. im glad we're there and i hope we keep pounding away no matter how other people may view our military proclivities.

Published by tony the pony.

dear mr. president of the god fearing gun loving united states of america,

as fellow republicans we implore, nay, we demand you bitch slap senator hagel. his constant pandering to morons and liberals is nauseating. so much so the under-signed require you to get cindy sheehan to hold senator hagel down and slap him repeatedly saying "say it bitch, say it...stay the course IS the plan". knowing full well senator hagel plans to run for president the petition is two fold.

1. get him to shut the hell up and stop being an embarrassment for depends under garments everytime he wets the bed when things get difficult.
2. we can use the petition as proof the only president he will be is president of the babbling idiots lonely senator club, currently headed by voinivich.

thank you mr. president and we look forward to a good clean open handed smack down.

signed,

Published Tuesday, August 23, 2005 by tony the pony.

Chipper Jones - 4
Chicago Cubs - 2

As shocking as it sounds, the Cubs lose again.

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

ive been told that we here at 13sides use homosexuals as our punching bag. in my opinion we spend too much time making fun of white people like cindy 'liar liar pants on fire' sheehan, peter 'smoke em if you got em' jennings, paul 'agent orange' hackett, and most importantly horatio 'donkey punch' menedez-dong-enstein. so 13sides has now patenented the soon to be famous 'homosexual punching bag'.

the 'homo sack' will be just like anyother punching bag except it will come with its own overbearing mother, a closet, two rainbow flags (very colorful in the summer), and a petulant soundtrack including such phrases as 'what i do behind closed doors should be important to everyone', 'marriage is a right', 'dont oppress me...undress me', 'we're here, we're queer, lets drink some appletinis'. the bag is wrapped in a very durable poly-silk mesh that can withstand both open handed strikes and machinegun fire. we believe this will be the new craze come christmas time (which homosexual arent allowed to celebrate since jesus h christ hates them). so remember, you saw it here first.

Published Sunday, August 21, 2005 by tony the pony.

I'm just sitting here watching a Little League World Series game between Canada and Mexico and I just have to wonder....

Did it take 1 Ryder truck or 2 to get the whole Mexican contingent to Williamsport? I mean some of these kids are really small, so I'm guessing just 1.

Published Saturday, August 20, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

horatio told me he is learning to play the skin flute and the meat whistle...ive never heard of them but he goes out every night to practice and usually doesn't come back til morning. i would say this is troublesome but at this point there is not a whole lot i can do. we all know he hates black people, and jews, and the poor, and our military and now the iraqis.

as he was putting vaseline on his tongue he was complaining about how the iraqis have taken all of his money. he claims its his to earn however he sees fit and (ill quote) "those dirty brown people dont deserve any money that i could be making by playing the butt tuba". i was shocked...i was aghast...i dont know what a butt tuba is. i tried to explain the us was merely holding onto the money until such time iraq was in a position to better disseminate the money. iraq's infrastructure is not secure enough to receive such large wire transactions and unlike here in the united god fearing states of george w. bush people in iraq don't accept checks, american express, or a tune from the skin sax for payment. a check means nothing to them, a bank means even less, being loved and appreciated and being saved from being anally raped by sodom whosane's boys (spanky and john kerry) is what these people understand. of course some of the money is not being spent correctly...there's billions of dollars, the sheer odds are some of the money will be mis-spent. but i guess paying government workers and contractors to rebuild a country left poor from a dictatorship and in the throes of moving into a freer society, socially, spiritually, economically is worthless; afterall haliburton did get some money and one of their subsidiaries did get investigated...but damn those americans that want to help and to get paid for it. damn them. horatio feels the money is the spoils of war because "those damn colored people shouldnt have it...we won fair and square". his logic is simple, the money was in our bank so it must be ours...which is right because later today the fed is announcing all monies in all banks will now become the property of those banks. its being touted as "the horatio rule". iraq doesn't have a fed or a national marxist bank so tracking money, real or digital, is next to impossible. but it was clear i had confused horatio with logic again because he was taking penicillin.

on a seperate note it has turned up terrorists are not blowing themselves up as a result of jihad but to show support for horatio and the anti-war movement. here at 13sides we encourage them to continue and can only hope horatio will train them.

Published Thursday, August 18, 2005 by tony the pony.

In honor of Horatio's Top 5 Fastballs, we here at 13sides would like to honor those athletes that have overcome all odds with just one granny smith in the ole' apple bag.

1. John Kruk
2. Lance Armstrong
3. Secretariat
4. Joanie Laurer (Chyna)*
   
5. Scott Hamilton

If any of the athletes above read this, please email Horatio at 12sides. We have learned he has 2 perfectly formed giggleberries that have never been used.

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

If I believed even half of what Horatio wrote, I think I might have to give blowjobs to drifters at the bus station to get my self-respect back.

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Horatio,

I'm gonna throw this out there and you can take it however you want:

Manscaping.

Published Tuesday, August 16, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

i would like to make a correction from the post titled 'horatio is not a good lover'.

from here forward we will refer to "tort reform" as "being raped by horatio".

also lawyers will now be called "rusty trombonists".

thanks,
mgmt.

Published Monday, August 15, 2005 by tony the pony.

horatio told me today he was going to sue his doctor because the "rash" he had really turned out to be something more crustaceous ruining his chances at the yearly "stuffed shorts sack race".

so i did a little googling of my own and when i finished i looked some stuff up on the internet and found this article from the nation (a good conservative use for toilet paper...never chafes). the most poignant part of the article other than the rape of an 85 year old woman (leave it to the libs to rape someone) was the following quote:

Smith says she doesn’t care about the money. “I want to make them accountable so that it doesn’t happen again,” she says.

smith's mom was staying at a nursing home and a worker there raped her mother who coincidentally has alzheimers just like cindy sheehan. smith, horatio and other people of their ilk not only want to rape old women but also want to use lawsuits as a weapon to punish anyone and everyone around them. they want to be able to drive by places and sue them for any amount of money just because they didnt get what they wanted and with no regard to the consequences like shutting down the nursing home (which was not found liable) and putting all of those old people out on the streets and fire everyone else who worked there. it only makes sense from their point of view...how can the democratic party continue to scare people they will be raped if in fact 1. they aren't raped and 2. they dont do the raping themselves to make sure it is done correctly.

this is yet another example of how people like horatio want to take our taxes, want to take our money for lawsuits in defense of the "little man" (midget hating bastards) and want our freedom of not being raped constantly. the democratic party can only succeed if we are all bent over like that poor old lady with some sweaty nursing student all over us.

Published by tony the pony.

The "Rusty Trombone" is the funniest sexual euphemism ever.

I'll use it in a sentence - I'd rather give Horatio a rusty trombone than read about Tort Reform.

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

ive never understood why liberals hate black people. they even built a plantation for them and are trying desperately to keep black people corralled onto it. you would think a group of people so concerned about human rights would want to free black people from their metaphorical chains but im thinking liberals dont even see black people as people...

here's the proof. not only is the author amazed that black people can write he cant seem to understand that after a hundred or so years of persecution they may need a little jump start in helping to expose their point of views. the author of the blog even starts out by saying "I'm not a fan of the idea of African-American literature." Someone needs to call Toni Morrison and Zora Neale Hurston and let them know they are being openly ridiculed. dont you think these people have been through enough without the left abusing them as illiterate, ignorant, and undeserving of special privileges. these again are the same people who want to help black people get jobs but god forbid they start to read or write because the left will lose control.

next thing you know they'll be attacking the jews.

Published by tony the pony.

which is worse?

a. sawing off a journalists head on t.v.?
b. putting panties on a naked man's head and laughing at his genitals?

please feel free to comment.

Published Saturday, August 13, 2005 by tony the pony.

the democratic party released their talking points memo for the upcoming senate races. the memo consists of 6 points which 13sides will outline today for our loyal readers.

1. support of the kelo v. new london supreme court ruling accepting the abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes.
2. a heavy progressive or graduated income tax.
3. abolition of all rights of inheritance through the death tax.
4. expansion of the rights of the fcc for the centralization of the means of communication.
5. support of labor unions so there is an equal liability of all to labor and to establish industrial armies (afl-cio).
6. free education for all children in public schools.

the complete memo can be seen on http://www.marxists.org*
*you'll have to scroll to the bottom; tricky bastards are trying to hide it.

Published by tony the pony.

today in a formal press release the clinton camp stated hillary will run in 2008, not that there was any doubt. she even began to lay out some of her plans should another clinton re-take the white house.

she promised not allow anyone to give her a blowjob on government premises stating, "the last time someone gave me a bj on government premises was dick durbin right before he called our troops nazis...the bastard doesnt swallow either". ms. clinton also promised to bring back all mementos, furniture, paintings, artifacts, and scandals she took with her upon leaving after bill's second term ended. with much joking and winking she also promised that no one would, and she used the finger quotes, commit "suicide" even if they were going to go public with damning information.

hillary's main platform for the 2008 campaign will consist mostly of staying the course in iraq, lowering taxes, privatizing social security and lifting all assault weapons ban, however, once entering office she will abort a baby everyday, make gay marriage legal but only for really butch lesbians, she will also, in moments of pure feminism, recommend legislation to get malls to stay open 24 hours a day and to absolve all women of any crimes if they are wearing cute shoes.

Published Friday, August 12, 2005 by tony the pony.

Although Horatio and I are separated by numerous religious, philosophical, socioeconomical, and political differences, there is one thing I am sure we agree on - that Kool and the Gang's "Get Down on It" is the greatest song ever recorded.

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

the mother of a dead south korean video gamer is now holding vigil outside the developer of the game blizzard. wanting to speak to the president of blizzard and ask why her son had to die and why the president doesnt send in his children. luckily the mother of the fallen starcraft soldier has chosen dr. kenneth noisewater as her legal council in hopes to exploit her sons death and gain much needed media attention. 13sides is the first to interview the grieving mother mindy needham.

tony: thanks for meeting with us cindy...i mean mindy.
cindy: you're welcome. i just want to go on record as saying that mike morhaine the president of blizzard killed my son with his failed policies in the starcraft the game.
tony: how is that possible? didnt your son have some hand in his death...like buying the game and playing until he died?
cindy: absolutely not! though my son willingly bought the game knowing the risks from having played the past game, it is solely the fault of blizzard he died. if the game weren't so noble and good my son would never have gone back to iraq.
tony: iraq?
cindy: what? no, starcraft.
tony: but you said iraq.
cindy: no i didnt.
tony: whatever, next question. do you think you are doing your son a disservice by being here? do you think if he were still alive he might be a little bit embarrassed.
cindy: who cares about him now? he dead, this is all about me and what i want.
tony: but luckily a lot of puppies will be saved because there is one less south korean to eat them.
cindy: but thats not why he was playing the game. he wasnt told he would save millions of puppies by playing; he was told he could expect to find deadly weapons that would be used to exterminate his character and there weren't any.
tony: but surely you can see some good coming from his death. think of what christmas would be like with no puppies to give...our in your case eat.
cindy: christmas? oh so now there's no separation of church and state?
tony: what?! you're crazy. we're done here. doctor, take her away.

it just goes to show, dont ever stand between a mother and her desires to whore herself because her son died and her husband left her for being crazy and now the only feel ever to be copped is from the arms and hands of liberal sharks. menopause will do strange things to women who are already disconnected from reality.

Published by tony the pony.

in part 1 we covered the first question sheehan wants answered by bush. we now take some time to answer the second question she wants to ask.

2. We would like for him to explain this "noble cause" to us and ask him why (presidential daughters) Jenna and Barbara are not in harm's way, if the cause is so noble.

the answer to this question comes in two parts. allow me to first explain the "noble cause".

there are dirty, disgusting, inhuman, pig loving, brainwashed assholes that want kill me...and you. these assholes dont care if i voted for george w. bush or hug trees and talk about love and understanding. they dont care if i empathize with their plight and do what i can to alleviate their suffering. they want us dead. very simple. they are assholes because they want us dead. who cares why? they lost their opportunity for love and understanding on 9/11. love went up in flames in the north tower, understanding in the south tower. the "noble cause" revolves not around one bitter lady with a penchant for the melodramatic and the irrational the "noble cause" envelopes all of us. every single american. the "noble cause" is we have the rights to life (not having some assholes blow us up), liberty (not living under a terrorist mandated police state), and happiness. (note: liberals, happiness is that strange feeling you get when something goes right, like getting a blow job with your wife asleep up stairs.) this noble cause does not mean trying to hug a dirty arab with a bomb strapped to him to try and talk him into seeing the err of his ways. the noble thing to do is eliminate them from about a mile away. now everyone is safer. see how that works? dead dirty arab with bomb equals no one dies. easy math.

the second part of sheehan's question i want to address is sending the daughters of the president into war. this statement proves that cindy sheehan is nothing but a media whore craving attention because her son made up his own mind to go and fight to keep us safe. it shows how immature she and blinded but whatever "grief" she claims to suffer. honestly, the only grief she suffers is what she is putting on the rest of the country having to put up with her pimping her son's memory so she can get a little air time. is it any wonder cindy sheehan is the only one to spread her legs for all of this attention...again i am embarrassed for her and i am embarrassed the rest of the country has to listen to her ravings. the only conclusion i come to as to why sheehan wants to send the bush daughters over there is because she is so spiteful she wants all of our soldiers to die. sending the bush daughters to iraq would put a huge target not just on the girls but upon anyone who is anywhere near them. those crazy bastards would stop at nothing to harm those girls and anyone who comes between them. then we could thank sheehan for killing all of our children and hold vigil outside her trailer wanting our questions answered.

Published Thursday, August 11, 2005 by tony the pony.

sheehan has set up her circus in crawford texas demanding the president answer two questions. i would like to answer those questions on behalf of the president.

1. We want our loved ones sacrifices to be honored by bringing our nation's sons and daughters home from the travesty that is Iraq immediately, since this war is based on horrendous lies and deceptions. Just because our children are dead, why would we want any more families to suffer the same pain and devastation that we are?

we should bring home the troops. it makes no sense to keep them there. especially since it has become the main training grounds for terrorists. why would we want our military in the new training grounds for terrorism? they could get hurt. they might want to re-enlist and go back. as seen in kansas it is not wise to let other people make decisions. people thinking for themselves is dangerous and could very well result in them putting themselves in situations where they might get hurt or even killed.

the iraq war was based on lies and deceptions.

quiz time again. all right answers will grant you the right to drill for oil in alaska. who said the following?

a. "He will use those weapons of mass destruction again, as he has ten times since 1983."
b. "We know that he has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country."
c. " In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program. He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Qaeda members ... It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons."
d. "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it."

answers: a. sandy "stuff 'em and steal 'em" berger, b. al "lock box" gore, c. hillary "can't wait til 2008" clinton, d. john "christmas in cambodia" kerry

and to think gore was vice president, gore and kerry were presidential candidates, and clinton is a senator and soon to be presidential candidate. no mention of sandy "fancy pants" berger. he was unavailable for a comment due to plans to put the constitution in his pants. we can't have liars like these serving in office. i wont let someone else's children die because these people tell lies about wmd's. its just not fair.

but to answer the real question, the actual question: why would we want others to suffer the same pain of losing a loved one in war? the answer is quite simple. until assholes stop flying planes into buildings, until assholes stop driving cars full of explosives, until assholes stop blowing up trains and tube stations and themselves and naval vessels and embassies and night clubs and resorts and hijacking planes...until these assholes stop their "religion" of love and peace someone is going to have to die, either us or them and i am thankful we have people brave enough to do it...because im not. trying to understand a rabid dog will not prevent it from biting you. suffering is imminent. suffering was and is on the horizon no matter what we chose to do. we made the decision to suffer less now than to suffer more later.

Published by tony the pony.

so horatio was explaining how intelligent design is neither intelligent nor a design. instead the only theory we should rely on is the other theory not proven. we should rely on this theory because if not we might let jesus h. christ sneak into our classrooms and the next thing you know children would be living by the ten commandments like thy shall not cheateth on your wife with portly girls of an unnatural stature and thy shall not lieth to a grand jury about sexing said full figured pony or even thou shall not taketh knick knacks from the white house upon leaving and claim such treasures as gifts...but i digress.

teaching the utterances of a 73 year old man on his death bed as the gospel is the only way we can prevent christians from going into public places and blowing themselves up or getting put in jail and complaining about jailors wiping their infidel bottoms with the bible. we can show people in the advancement of american education we are committed to our theories. in fact we just now revised the theory of condescension. the theory now states: the level of condescension is directly proportional to the subject's cowardice.

Published by tony the pony.

These 5 cheese-eating frogs aren't very happy with you-know-who for being slighted.

1. Pascal
2. Poisson
3. Grothendieck
4. Serre
5. Cartan

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

turns out our lord and president is a murderer. cindy "the crawford creeper" sheehan has accused george of "killing her son". her son, who served in the 1st calvary, was said to have re-enlisted in 2003 knowing he would be sent to iraq. however, 13sides has uncovered a ground breaking development....cindy sheehan has alzheimer's. at first we thought it might have been a heat stroke suffered from her vigil in crawford or even possibly some type of sugar overdose from Ho-Ho's and Twinkies but unfortunately she is now in the sixth stage of the disease which includes such symptoms as the tendency to wander, the loss of the awareness of recent experiences, and imperfect recollection of personal history.

it's now time for a quiz. you pick which statement cindy sheehan made. for each one you get right you are allowed to club a baby seal.

a. 'I now know [bush]'s sincere about wanting freedom for the Iraqis, I know [bush]'s sorry and feels some pain for our loss. And I know [bush]'s a man of faith.'
b. 'My son was killed by Shiite insurgents. I believe George Bush created the insurgency by his failed policies and that’s why my son was killed'
c. 'That was the gift the president gave us, the gift of happiness, of being together...'
d. 'I know something about aircraft carriers for real.'

answers: a. cindy sheehan, b. cindy sheehan, c. cindy sheehan, d. john kerry

13sides tried to contact casey sheehan but he was unavailable for comment....not because he's dead but because cindy sheehan was strangling him with her apron strings.

Published by tony the pony.

Today is a momentus day for Tony the Pony and I here at 13sides. Today we passed 12sides in web traffic on our 3rd day of existence. Here are the top 5 reasons why:

1. Humor is much better when it is funny.
2. Pretentious was sooooo last year.
3. Pandas!
4. Horatio is a gypsy and everyone hates gypsies.
5. As a Cubs fan, we wanted him to feel right at home in last place.
   

Published Wednesday, August 10, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

i made a new friend today. he calls himself 'up your nose' but with a 'z'. i think that name is offensive and slightly gay so i call him 'knuckles'. anyway i met knuckles at an a.a. meeting near harlem. i was there to dry up, he was there to pick up chicks. anyway we started to talk and he mentioned our lord and president's relationship with poles again. for the life of me i can't understand why liberals are so fascinated by our president's pole. you would think being a liberal and so morally bankrupt that you would cheat on your lesbian wife with a fat intern they could get over saint bush's pole. alas, i am wrong.

i am going to make it my mission to investigate liberal fascination with poles. i spoke with the doctor this morning...dr. noisewater that is...and we began to put together some hypotheses why liberals love poles. note: dr. noisewater is not a medical doctor. he is a doctor of law so please refer any legal questions or law suits to him. thanks.

1. hitler took out the poles first.....liberals are nazis
2. strippers dance on poles....liberals are prostitutes
3. the american flag is hung on a pole....liberals hate america
4. pole vaulting.....liberals hate the greek and the olympics
5. poles are used for skiing....liberals are racist...they hate white things
6. north pole...liberals dont believe in santa
7. south pole...liberals believe the earth is flat

the doctor and i will explore these. well keep you posted as results become available.

Published by tony the pony.

was sharing a ham sandwich with zarqawi last night and we were talking about health issues. you may not know but zarqawi is a health nut. he spends up to six hours a day in the gym pumping up his turban. he was very upset that peter jennings (a canadian) will kill more people with lung cancer than all of his explosive personalities. i think zarqawi felt emasculated by the fact a syrup loving canadian had the power to take almost 150,000 lives in 2004.

when horatio showed up and cooked us some bacon he tried to console zarqawi saying what he was doing will make it in the newspapers because people in the u.s. care more about how he kills people than how americans kill themselves. besides protesting the peter jennings disease is a lot less fun than making claims about bush killing children. i think we made zarqawi feel a little better. he realizes that he will never be able to kill more americans than peter jennings and it doesnt really matter because those who blame america first blow up just as easily as anyone else. i can only hope they do. after our discussion we had pork chops and watched torture tapes of gitmo.

Published by tony the pony.

horatio was telling me about how some fat girl got beat up at a rally. now it might be unfair to assume she was fat but i come to this conclusion based on two things.

1. she is from berkeley and
2. she got caught...clearly too fat to evade

i think such actions as taken by the secret service to try and calm her down are clearly a violation of her right to be skinny. they should have chased her fat ass around to help her work off of some of her baby fat she so desperately holds onto at the age of 26. clearly her parents didnt love her enough so she feels she must act out in a public display with her grotesque obesity putting fear into andy card and causing the secret service to rodeo her to the ground. i think in the future when people like this chubby protestor go and protest to spread aids in africa they should wear running shoes and have the secret service chase them around the perimeter of the event until they lose about four pounds...or until they realize protesting is for morons. whichever comes first.

Published Tuesday, August 09, 2005 by tony the pony.

1. Excresence
2. Beneficience
3. Libertinism
4. Christublicans
5. Bilge a Bridge

Published by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

i have been increasingly dismayed at the goings on in ohio, the last bastion of loose women and dilapidated factories. but that is not the reason i am dismayed with ohio.

i am upset because paul hackett hates jesus.

you may wonder how i know this...but it turns out horatio claims paul hackett works for harry potter and we all know any good catholic (especially our new nazi one...the pope) knows that only people who hate jesus like harry potter. after all the pope said it himself when eloquently stated "heil hitler'. i think that about sums up hacketts stand on the issues. hackett has tried to disassociate himself from the label 'satan worshipper', however, his continuous public slaughtering of goats and christians is a record hard to deny. just because hackett served and fought in iraq does not mean he is without fault nor does it mean he gets absolution for hating our lord and saviour jesus h. christ.

Published by tony the pony.

last night horatio was pushing me around the yard in a wheelbarrow talking incessantly. i typically don't listen very closely because he drones on and on about things no one cares about, like democrats and cricket. however, he told me his favorite arthur is guy de maupassant. i find this very odd for two reasons:

1. guy de maupassant is not named aruthur and
2. guy de maupassant is dead

what is more striking is sir arthur guy de maupassant was a pedophile who wrote homoerotic short stories with names like "a coward" about a man who never came out of the closet, "a family affair" about incest, "a queer night in paris" that really needs no explanation and "that costly ride" something about a reverse cowgirl....not sure what that means. anyway, i am disappointed again at horatio's proclivity to lies and people named arthur.

Published by tony the pony.

1. Hannah Banana
2. Thank you, John Paul II
3. Cause Honey You Married Me
4. He's Swapping His Boat
5. Ask Jesus

Click on the links to hear Horatio's favorite Norma Lee classics.

Published Monday, August 08, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

today horatio and i were playing some D & D in the garage (im a warlock, hes a fairy) and he brought up the point of george w. bush's pole numbers being low. i was thinking to myself "donkey, since when has the country been ruled by poles? i knew we had a lot of foreigners and im not xenophobic or anything but whats the big deal with poles?". anyway, horatio kept going on and on about bush and poles and i finally had to smack him across the left cheek with my open palm. i almost knocked him off the chair (which would have crushed the fine fairy outfit he was wearing).

i told him that racism is not funny and that just because bush likes poland is no reason to berate him. after all clinton likes fat chicks and lesbians and no one gets upset about that. i dont understand horatio sometimes. but i love him.

Published by tony the pony.

this is my very first post. i got the idea from my best friend horatio. he has a blog too. it is called 12sides. its really good if you like to read tripe. well, from reading his blog and reading outrageous posts about people he made up (guy de maupassant? yeah right) i thought i would give this a shot.

Published by tony the pony.