lets get started:
the award for "most likely to scare children and least likely to be a supreme court judge" goes to my cousin johnny dumptruck. however, in a very close second, harriet miers
will actually win the award, partly because harriet and i are having sex and partly because no one knows my cousin.
the award for "reservation for deaf arabs, your impending nuclear destruction is ready" goes to iran.
i dont know why they think they would be any different from iraq. dumb is dumb in the crosshairs.
the award for "please, no more probes" goes to the american public
for having to tolerate a week of no news because every journalist on the planet is trying to scoop the leak investigation. i have an idea journalists, why dont you report the news instead of giving us detailed articles how there wont be news today.
the award for "more powerful than god" goes to patrick fitzgerald
for shutting down the entire world's news (see above).
the award for "yet another example of dubya melting ice caps" is 'almost' hurricane beta
. with all that our lord and savior does in a day (censoring liberals, designing a fascist state, etc.) melting ice caps is quite possibly the most difficult logistically. i applaud him.
Published Friday, October 28, 2005 by tony the pony.
ive never been a big fan of the rhythm method
. pulling out is like eating a twinkie with the wrapper on. i mean i work so hard for those three maybe four seconds i deserve full gratification. pulling out is never an option, to me its like being a quitter, and momma didnt raise no quitter.
however, im glad miers pulled out. i could not imagine having more of her running around. it leaves us with three very important lingering questions. 1. who will bush nominate now? 2. who did she pull out of? 3. where are my pants? lets take some time to answer these.
1. bush will nominate someone who is a snappy dresser, fast talker, and likes to be called "cotton". hopefully, our lord and savior dubya will pick the fight we've all been waiting for. i for one dont really care who comes out looking bad, i just want some serious hypocrisy, self-righteous indignation, and maybe a little panty raid of the black caucus.
2. who is miers having sex with? and why would she pull out? my best guess is ted kennedy is always so drunk its hard to keep it up, so its not so much pulling out as it is falling out.
3. i think i left my pants at the playground.
Published Thursday, October 27, 2005 by tony the pony.
last night the cindy sheehan of the civil rights movement passed away at her home in detroit. at 92 years old, rosa parks
, became the symbol of african colored americans in their fight for looting and high quality sneakers. rosa who's son was killed in a church bus accident held a vigil outside of eisenhower's home in abilene, kansas. eisenhower refused to meet with rosa because he believed the woman's place was in the kitchen and not out riding buses all around town. besides, no one forced her son to associate with christians or get on the bus in first place. however, to this day...well yesterday because shes dead now, rosa blamed ike for allowing christians to drive buses.
at this time 13sides will have a moment of silence for all of those people who had it worse.
Published Tuesday, October 25, 2005 by tony the pony.
lets get started.
the award for "dudes that need the medal of honor" goes to the 173rd airborne brigade
of the us army for finally taking matters into their own hands. though daniel perl
could not be reached for comment 13sides believes him to be very happy about the burnings.
the award for "women crazier than ex-girlfriends" goes to the mother
who threw her three children into the san francisco bay. this is typically something a white woman would do...but it seems being crazy and a woman crosses racial boundaries.
the award for "dont call it a comeback" goes to burt bacharach
for his new album which has a couple of anti-war songs. just when you thought you were going to have to pump his heart by hand ol' burtie boy comes storming back onto the scene. good for you burt...no one cares.
the award for "dumbest person to get elected" goes to cynthia "daddy hates the jews" mckinney
for asking michael chertoff why he shouldnt be tried for negligent homicide. its amazing how far one can go race baiting.
the award for "are you still here?" goes to cindy sheehan
...well, for still breathing really and for trying to pick fights with her own party. evidentally she became bored with republicans who ignored her she is now going after the democrats.
the award for "is that a script in your pants or are you just happy to see me" goes to sandy berger
for making it to primetime tv being an advisor to the lovely horse faced geena davis.
Published Friday, October 21, 2005 by tony the pony.
Call Farrakhan. The jews are oppressing the homies again. It appears some of the inmates of the NBA are upset that the evil oppressor David Stern has instituted a dress code of business casual for NBA players when they are on the bench, after the game, etc. One of the most outspoken critics of this policy is Indiana Pacers forward Stephen Jackson
. You may remember Stephen Jackson from old NBA greatest hits highlights when he was punching Detroit fans in the face. Jackson, who made around $5 million last year, called the policy "attacking young black males". Dear Stephen, stop pulling a Horatio and shut the F up. I guess most all of corporate America "attacks" black males on a daily basis then.
Completing the evil Jew double-whammy, Maccabi Tel-Aviv beat the Toronto Raptors
this week. David Stern was in attendance and was seen doing cartwheels down the tunnel after the game.
Speaking of attacking young black males, I think Urban Meyer is trying to get Chris Leak killed. Speaking of Chris Leak, is he the doppelganger of Emmanuel Lewis?
The collective yawn you heard was that of the nation when we found out that Houston and the Chicago White Sox are playing in the world series. I'd rather hear Horatio ramble about tort reform.
Did you know Alex Zanardi won a auto race in August? What's so special about Alex Zanardi, you say? Alex Zanardi has no legs! He is really handicapped, unlike the handicapped that the racing media seems to think Danica Patrick is because she has perky little boobies.
Did you know Stephen A. Smith's show on ESPN in it's debut week had worse ratings than The Competitive Eating Championships on ESPN2?
If any of you are wondering what happened to Jill Arrington, I promise I'll let her go when I am done with her.
Published Thursday, October 20, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
seems like the dirty arabs in afghanistan have finally proved the 13sides assumption that dirty arabs are nothing more than 'ladyboys
'. too scared to come out of hiding, even though freedom forces from america took the bodies and faced them west and burned them the muslims they were fighting evidentially did not have enough c4 and a bicycle to fight back.
the leader of the muslim forces (seen left) released a statement saying 'agg goo bee dun floppen durka shirka ding dong'. he (she?) was promptly shot and dressed in a bunny suit to be featured at the next macy's thanksgiving day parade.
Published by tony the pony.
i love the french. they are so good with ideas and wine and kissing and fries and toast and waffles...wait thats belgium...anywho. i love to listen to them talk too. its better than when the british speak (partly because i dont speak english) but worse than when an arab does their guttural pig grunting (which holds a special place in my heart that i am prohibited by law to speak of again). so dude jean-pierre-bastille-eiffel-fromage-bete-louis-vitton-claude-van-damme tells the bbc that terrorists are now training in iraq and this is a bad thing for the world. lets take some time to review what jean-phillipe-menage-trois-paul-satre-laissez-faire calls a 'black hole'.
a black hole, by 13sides definition, is a place where you set your keys down and then cant remember where they are. or the place where that one sock goes in the dryer. or that place you go on those days you cant get out of bed because the rug burns on the back of your head are so bad you cant see straight. or the place where you let a bunch of dirty arabs congregate for training so you know where they and can monitor them or bomb them into a black hole or capture them and torture them for being different. seems jean-montreal-quebec-vache-escargot thinks knowing where terrorists are, knowing where they recruit and train, knowing how they recruit and train is a bad thing. i have but one thing to say to that...je t'aime mon petit chou chou, je veut manger le petit au dejeuner dans votre l'estomach.
Published by tony the pony.
sometimes the three of us (myself, the good doctor, and the octagon) like to go to the good doctor's house and lay out by the pool. get a little sun, do a little meth, maybe bar-b-q a baby seal....who knows? its all in good fun. however, there is one thing we constantly have a problem with and that is who has to get up and flip the country church album. at last it seems we have a wonderful solution.
we can buy babies off the chinese baby e-bay
. think about how this is a win/win for all parties involved. 13sides now has an unlimited supply of children to flip our records over, cut the grass, play the cello, and do really difficult math problems. the chinese kids get a place to stay and all of the free legal advice from the doctor, lessons on not taking candy from a stranger from the octagon, and how to tell bad hits of acid from the good ones from me. we would name them all jackie chan and teach them kung-fu or karate or something and they could be child ninjas too. how cool would it be for 13sides to be in control of a legion of child chinese ninjas? we'll let you know when we get our first one.
Published by tony the pony.
Olive Loaf is like the Fruit Cake of Meats.
Published Tuesday, October 18, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
. so a bunch of nazis go out to protest a black neighborhood overrun with crime and drugs, and before the protest starts the neighborhood reminds the nazis the nazis forgot to add looting to the list.
the irony is so rich in this event i am almost at a loss...but not completely.
im not sure what the "hood" expects from the rest of america. we clothe them on our dime, we feed them on our dime, we try to educate them, we try to get them jobs, hell, we try to give them jobs too, and out of this has arisen a stereotype. this stereotype is not based on the civil war and slavery, it is not based on jim crow, it is not based on segregation, it is based on clear, concise, empirical data. when i see a priest i have a stereotype of that person, they will probably be soft spoken, engaging, devoutly religious, and a good listener. when i see someone in a lab coat and scrubs, i stereotype them as well, probably a doctor. when i see someone dressed like they are from the "hood"...well i can safely assume they will try to steal my bicycle. thats not racist. at no point do i think because of their race the are inferior...in fact it is in spite of their race they are inferior. with all of the help being given to the "hood"...in spite of everything being done...the stereotype persists. who's fault is that? white america? do we dress these people, do we arm them, do we provide the needle and the pipe? people in the "hood" are seen as criminals because they act like criminals. if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it will try to steal your bicycle.
Published Monday, October 17, 2005 by tony the pony.
so funny in fact my boy richard
thought he'd make a tease of it.
sometimes the octagon, the doctor and i like to play charades. we like to act out such silliness as the lynching of medgar evers
. man that one really gets me going. sometimes we even get a horse and some rope. one time we convinced the octagon we were actually going to lynch him and he peed himself. thats funny, i dont care who you are.
we also like to play a game called "cross the rio grande". we play in the doctor's pool. basically the octagon and i try and swim the length of the pool while the goood doctor shoots at us. i really enjoy that...especially after a couple of huffs of butane.
then we play "hold your breath holocaust". we lock ourselves in a bathroom, shave our heads, and smoke cigarettes until we pass out. that one is fun as long as the octagon is not standing behind you... then you get butterflies in your stomach.
one new game the good doctor thought up was "shepard's pie". if anyone of the three of us does anything remotely gay we beat the crap out of eachother with baseball bats.
It's sad that in a land with literally millions of middle-class black people, we feel compelled to fuel this ridiculous gangsta-movie myth that sticking a gun out a car window and killing people is just part of life.
i agree totally richard. i mean seriously it is all black people all the time. if they werent propogating this sterotype of bad movies with big guns, us white kids would have no games to play. i am glad you place the blame squarely where it belongs.Edited:
The good Doctor would just like to add:
Published Thursday, October 13, 2005 by tony the pony.
Nobody can resist a reparations parade!!! That's right, if you haven't heard the Millions More Movement is gathering in Washington this weekend. Humpty Hump, who once got busy in a Burger King bathroom, will be there.
And nothing will do more for righting the wrongs that society has done to the Black community than a stirring rendition of Ludacris' "(Ho's in Different) Area Codes".
Thousands will be moved to lift the black community out of poverty when they see the return of Cameo and his overstuffed cod-piece sing "Word Up!"
Please be sure to read the Million More Manifesto
, or by it's other title, "More stuff we will blame the Jews for when this crap never happens."
Published Wednesday, October 12, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
finally allah has done something right
. evidentally there has been a large influx of virgins into muslim heaven and not enough sexually frustrated mulsim men to not please them. so instead of asking the members of the peace loving religion to step up their suicide bombing, allah took matters into his own hands...does allah have hands?
Published Monday, October 10, 2005 by tony the pony.
more awards...of course.
the award for "super secret ninja nominee" goes to harriet miers, who, if she doesnt overturn roe, will have to deal with the wrath of god and a drunken, poop flinging, pathetic tirade from me.
the award for "we watch you when you sleep" goes to the us government in vetting our dirty brown bombers before they have a chance to assplode and then enter heaven to get anal raped by allah himself.
the award for "worst diety ever" goes to allah or mohammed or whatever the hell he calls himself this week for convincing stupid brown people that blowing up will somehow gain them recognition in the afterlife. if you're such a fag you cant fight like a man do you really think some hairy armed, bad hygeine, burkha wearing 'virgin' is going to let you invade her mosque?
the award for "the country we least care about but spied on anyway" goes to the phillipines. i dont even think the phillipines is a real country...again we have our crack research team looking into it. i think it is a code for where muslims go to engage sexual contact with pigs.
the award for "the disease we hope spreads to only muslim countries
" is legionnaire's disease which has seen a recent outbreak in canada. we need some of those canadians to take one for the team and take a flight to iran or palestine or this place the phillipines people are now talking about.
Published Friday, October 07, 2005 by tony the pony.
here at 13sides we appreciate those who appreciate us. in doing so we like to point out those who appreciate us and shamelessly promote them, while promoting ourselves.
we have a new friend and would like for everyone to please go take a look at his site and criticize him ruthlessly for exceptional grammar and spelling. his name is nedreck milhunky
. i feel sure it means something important and we have our greatest minds working to crack the code. he likes to point out some of the finer points of modern liberal mind. we applaud him for that. so please after you have read evey word we have written here and laughed yourself silly, go take a peek at his site, but remember, you loved us first and we know where you live.
Published by tony the pony.
i have a couple of liberal dealers. they provide me with drugs and food stamps. they also understand acting the way i do is not my responsibility. i was with one today robbing a seven eleven because those damn afghanis started a war or something. im a little fuzzy on the details.
anywho, turns out he is lead counsel for the aclu and was telling me about a new case they are bringing against the great state of illinois. they filed suit today in state court to be able to sue on behalf of other people for things the aclu thinks should be a "right" for someone else who may (or may not) really perceive that action as a "right" just yet but could in the future...maybe...or not. seems like a good idea to me. another great idea from the left.
Published Thursday, October 06, 2005 by tony the pony.
ive been away. trying to get cleaned up. didnt work. my wife started back to school and is really having a hard time with the other fourth graders.
so my boy richard
has weighed in on constructionism
. now i ask myself....what is constructionism? is it possible it took seven days for god to create the earth and an extra week to "construct" the disjointed mind that is a modern liberal? alas, i say no. the mind of a modern liberal is evolution or actually the lack of evolution. as the rest of the planet and gods chosen creatures continue to see reality as it really exists and evolve along with it, the gap between those of us evolving just like our lord and saviour darwin says and those who remain is stasis continues to grow larger. look, marxism was so 1800's and socialism was so last century. who really believes that crap anyway? ill tell you who...people whose brains are not fully developed from lack of evolutionary progression.
survival of the fittest is leaving some of world behind. i for one am glad.
Published by tony the pony.
Horatio and I were stealing backhoes from an abandoned Iraeli greenhouse in Gaza
the other day and boy was he pissed. He kept going on and on about gays and some guy named Ratzenberger. I thought it was weird because there is no way that Cliff Clavin
was gay. I mean, Woody, maybe.
Then he explained to me that Ratzenberger was the Pope and he wasn't letting gays become priests
. I don't see what he was getting so upset about. Catholics haven't allowed heterosexuals to become priests either. But apparently, he was upset because the Pope had committed the biggest hate crime ever! Now you can't become a priest if you think about men when you are "polishing the bishop"
! And we know how the liberals love the hate crimes.
So now if you are keeping score, here are the groups that cannot become priests:
- If you have had, are having, or thinking about having sex with a man
- Boy Scouts
I thought gays liked Scientology anyways. I mean, look at the uniforms they make you wear in the SeaOrg
. And you may get to ride white horses. I mean, you can't get much gayer than that.
And BTW, if you did not like this post, it was George Bush's fault.
Published Wednesday, October 05, 2005 by Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.