GWB is a crafty devil. He's always a good 3-4 moves ahead of us all. I looked at amnesty all wrong. It's starting to make sense now - the frustration's been there for years. Dad goes to Iraq to defend an ally: War for oil, Dad gets ousted by Clinton. Clinton allows terrorists to grow and attack us: Why didn't GWB defend us? We defend ourselves: You hate mulsims... and, war for oil. Farenheit 9/11: All your buddies are muslims. Try to save Social Securtiy: You hate old people and minorities. People can't dodge a hurrican moving north at 15 miles an hour with 3 days notice: You hate minorities. Border security: You hate minorities. Guest-worker program: You hate Americans. GWB knows when to fold a losing hand.

Knowing damn well that thanks to the cult of political correctness ignorant minorities have more power than elected white presidents, George is turning the tables. Boys, get ready, we're gonna be minorities. And when I'm in that club you can bet I'll get full use of all the amenities. Day one, I'm calling someone a racist with no basis of argument. Day two, the million cracker march. Day three, religious oppression: JC will started getting the respect Allah does. Down the line my kids could get scholarships, bank loans, jobs - all based on our great quota systems. Our lifestyle will be impregnable to criticism, even from my own race. I'll even make wild accusations about sports stars.

Aaahhh, won't it be great to be free again?

Pimento Cheese Sandwich Count: 3
Money I spent in the merchandise shop: $138

I was lucky enough Sunday to go to the Masters. For my money, it is the best sporting event in the world. I've gone to the Masters 4 times now, and it's always a wonderful time. I enjoy going with people that have never been. To see the looks on people faces when they see Augusta National is really priceless.

No other sporting event really compares. Where else do people watch in awe as an army of mowers cut a fairway in about 3 minutes, then clap when its done? What other sporting event can you get 2 sandwiches and a beer for $5? You really feel the ghosts in that place as you walk around. You get chills when you hear the tremendous gallery roars when someone makes a great shot, and you wonder what the hell just happened when you hear the massive groans. And if you are lucky, you get a Sunday leaderboard like we did. If you EVER get offered a ticket to Augusta, don't turn it down.

No doubt all of you have received an Nigerian advance fee fraud email. It's a letter about some dead african who left his cousin $12 million. All you have to do is pay somebody to get it. Well, the scammers have apparently stepped up their efforts. About a year ago, someone I had never met instant messaged me via Yahoo. I quickly determined that this gentleman was:
  1. African
  2. Stupid
  3. Trying to take my money.
He was from Algeria and wanted me to enter into some deal with him where I would invest in a car dealership. I strung him along for a week or two until it got to the point that it was time for me to head to Western Union to wire him the money. The exchange ended with me cursing mercilessly for 20 minutes and I never heard from him again.

Well, over the weekend, my buddy returned. I played dumb like I didn't know who he was and didn't remember our past dealings and this was the transcript:

13:48] onyidollars: WHERE HAVE U BEEN
[13:48] Dr. Ken: hello
[13:50] Dr. Ken: I've been preparing for the NFL draft
[13:50] onyidollars: THAT,S GOOD
[13:50] onyidollars: DID U REMEMBER ME
[13:51] Dr. Ken: i don't think so
[13:51] onyidollars: OK
[13:51] Dr. Ken: who are you?
[13:52] onyidollars: WHERE ARE U WOKING
[13:52] onyidollars: I AM IN LES VEGAS
[13:52] Dr. Ken: really? I am going there in June
[13:52] onyidollars: WHERE ARE U
[13:53] Dr. Ken: I am in Nashville Tennessee, home of country music
[13:53] onyidollars: U CAN COME TO MY HOUSE
[13:54] Dr. Ken: do you live close to the strip
[13:54] Dr. Ken: do you like to gamble and go to the nudie shows?
[13:54] onyidollars: I AM A PRINCE IN MY COUNTRY
[13:54] onyidollars: I HAVE A HOUSE THERE
[13:55] Dr. Ken: in US, we have no princes
[13:55] Dr. Ken: you must travel with a lot of security
[13:55] onyidollars: from my country
[13:56] onyidollars: i am not from us
[13:56] Dr. Ken: where are you from
[13:56] onyidollars: denmark
[13:59] onyidollars: what do u do for a living
[13:59] Dr. Ken: i play american football
[14:00] onyidollars: wonderful
[14:00] Dr. Ken: i just graduated college, and I'm looking to get drafted by the NFL
[14:00] onyidollars: i can sponsor you
[14:00] Dr. Ken: how would you do that
[14:01] onyidollars: host u with money
[14:01] Dr. Ken: i already have an agent, his name is Pat Dye Jr
[14:01] Dr. Ken: he's in Atlanta, he represents a bunch of famous players like Michael Vick
[14:02] onyidollars: that,s my player
[14:02] Dr. Ken: hopefully, I'll be famous one day, and then i can make money doing budweiser commercials
[14:02] Dr. Ken: do you know budweiser?
[14:02] onyidollars: no
[14:02] Dr. Ken: I'm sure you have drank many budweisers in Las Vegas
[14:03] onyidollars: no
[14:03] Dr. Ken: I like to drink budweisers and then donkey punch my roommate
[14:03] onyidollars: i dont drink
[14:04] onyidollars: byant sussan is a agent
[14:04] Dr. Ken: drinking is the only way i can have sex with ugly girls
[14:04] Dr. Ken: what football players does bryant represent?
[14:04] onyidollars: pls i dont like that
[14:04] onyidollars: pls
[14:05] onyidollars: mind your speech
[14:05] Dr. Ken: why, we are just 2 buddies having a chat?
[14:06] onyidollars: yea
[14:06] onyidollars: i am in my house
[14:06] onyidollars: my dad can come in anytime from now
[14:06] Dr. Ken: i guess a prince could have sex with only the finest of girls in Denmark! I bet you have the pick of the litter
[14:07] onyidollars: call
[14:08] onyidollars: she is in africa
[14:08] onyidollars: to admit some boys
[14:08] onyidollars: her no is 2348030944316
[14:08] Dr. Ken: admit some boys?
[14:08] Dr. Ken: I'm not into boys
[14:08] Dr. Ken: I'm into girls
[14:08] Dr. Ken: what does that mean
[14:09] onyidollars: players
[14:09] onyidollars: if u are not real u tell me
[14:10] Dr. Ken: i am real
[14:10] Dr. Ken: but what do i need to call her for
[14:11] Dr. Ken: I don't call people in africa I don't know, I'll only deal with you
[14:11] onyidollars: for deal
[14:12] Dr. Ken: what kind of deal, i have an agent
[14:12] onyidollars: is from manchester city
[14:12] onyidollars: london
[14:12] onyidollars: ok
[14:12] onyidollars: tell you agent to call her
[14:13] Dr. Ken: what sort of business are you proposing?
[14:14] onyidollars: i m just trying to help u
[14:19] *** "onyidollars" signed off at Sat Apr 08 14:19:26 2006.

If you want to have a good laugh, add Onyidollars to your Y! buddy list and hit him up for a chat whenever he is online.

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i punched a donkey so big this morning the grand canyon is no longer grand, nor is it a canyon.

I had really bad indigestion in the office this morning, so I'm gonna leave you a little bit of wisdom I gained: Take off the ipod when this happens. Sometimes you don't realize how loud you have just farted....I must admit, I'm addicted to a show that comes on Speed Network from time to time called Barrett Jackson Auto Auction. It's usually in some fancy place like Palm Beach and it features ultra-wealthy dudes in a cock-off seeing who'll pay the most money for a 1920's Bentley or a Ferrari or some shit....I got a Home Depot apron this weekend (with my name on it)....Check out my buddy's blog - Nowhere Near Berlin, a diary of an ex-patriot living in London.

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