I got a very strange email on Tuesday from a guy I used to work with named James. I haven't spoken to James in over 2.5 years and you'll find out why.

James was one of the strangest guys I'd ever met. He was mid 40s, overweight, never married, held a myriad of bizarre jobs (some of which included moving hazardous materials). He creepily commented on the Brazillian teenage girls that lived in his apartment complex or bragged about the new Ministry or German techno CD he had to drive 45 minutes out of his way to find. He was always sweaty, loud, and could sometimes be a pain in the ass.

James emails me out of the blue (again, after not speaking for almost 3 years) on Tuesday and here are the contents:

From: James
Subject: Tara Reid


Didn't you tell me you thought she was hot at one time?

James

Once again, I had not spoken to this guy in forever and he wanted to ask my opinion on Tara Reid? I had to email my old coworkers to get their opinion on this comedic masterpiece.

"If I sat around for an hour trying to think up a more bizarre email, I don't think I could do it. Pure Genius!" - The Penguin

"Is he asking for your approval before he rubs one out?" - BK

"That is awesome" - CF

"Man, that Tara Reid is one nasty freak. But I better not whackoff to her because I think this guy I worked with 2 years ago has a thing for her. Maybe I should, though, she's so hot. Well, that's it. I'm settling this thing with an email right now...." - The Penguin

I asked all of my friends if I should email him back and the emphatic answer was yes. So I wrote back "I thought she is kinda trashy. Why do you ask?"

"Just happened upon a picture of her on the net, remembered when Van Wilder came out and you commented on her"

What The F*ck??!?

This guy is Danny McGrath from Billy Madison.

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elizabeth edwards (heretofore referred to as "dromedary") is upset because ann coulter is mean. dromedary even went so far as to call in and admonish ann for her hateful speech. maybe dromedary should spend more time worrying about rogue cells dying and slowly killing her than feeding the fire of ann coulter's fantastic book sales. personally i thought ann's comment about the bumper sticker was hiiiii-larious. what is even more is i bet john and the dromedary did try to capitalize on the death of their son and should the dromedary kick it, i'm sure edwards would try to capitalize on her death.

after all since when did people give press conferences about having cancer? hey elizabeth, who gives a shit if you have cancer? i'll tell you who, the people who know and care about you, the rest of the country could care less. what does your cancer have to do with anything? it has nothing to do with anything. people get cancer everyday. people die from cancer everyday. why are you so important that you need your own press conference to announce your tits are going to fall off? because john is running for president? tell you what, why dont you shut the fuck up. john isn't going to get anymore votes because you are sick, having a press conference about your boobies isnt going to make them heal any quicker, why don't you act like a normal american and deal with it privately, with only those people who need to know, instead of being an attention whore.

i wish there were a disease for attention whores...

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Thanks Best Week Ever.

Bork
Bork
Bork
Bork

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Little Kids at the driving range. I blame this one on Tiger Woods. We've all seen the pictures of Tiger Woods on Johnny Carson when he was 3. We've heard about Earl Woods gluing golf clubs to his hands (ok, maybe I made that one up.) Now the driving range is full of soccer moms with 3 year olds. The parents are there for fucking social hour and making just as much noise as the kids, and it's really pissing me off.

I saw this 4 year old kid the other day his a ball 20 feet and then his mom ran out into the driving range to pick the thing up! I was tempted to put another dimple in that fat soccer mom ass of hers.

So please soccer moms, buy your kids some whiffle golf balls and let him hit in the back yard. Don't waste $10 a bucket on your kid cause he's pissing me off. He sucks at golf and will be a failure just like you.

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I know the heat here in Atlanta makes people do crazy shit, but damn. Proving once again that the only thing worse here than the traffic is our athletes, wrestler/actor/anabolic steroid receptacle Chris Benoit killed his wife and kid, then offed himself. (Author's Note: If i lived in Fayetteville on the south side of the ATL, I'd consider offing myself as well.) Hey Cincinnati, we laugh at your DUI's. Chicago, we scoff at Tank Black's gun charges.

We've got Ray Lewis shooting up Buckhead. We've got Pacman Jones making it rain bullets here in the offseason. Our most famous resident, Mike Vick, running a dogfighting ring. Who can forget the famous Gold Club trial of a few years ago? Chris Benoit finishes off the Atlanta wrestling trifecta antics of Lex Luger (drugs) and recently busted Disco Inferno in a high stakes poker ring.

I don't watch wrestling, but I heard that Vince McMahon ran a 3 hour retrospective on Chris Benoit last night praising him and his time in the WWE. That's right, 3 hours of TV dedicated to a murderer. Expect Mr. McMahon to be appeaing in front of a Congressional hearing very soon. Dumbass.

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i love countries that don't want the u.s. to get involved in their business. it makes it even better when they then get pissed off because we aren't doing "enough" to help them with things like global warming, aids, reading, stealing rims.

these africans don't want to associate themselves with the united states because they don't trust the u.s. in the war or terror. how about this then...we stop giving money for aids (because aids is funny) assistance, we stop giving money to assist in bringing some of the countries into the first century (they got rims but they haven't invented the wheel yet), we stop offering protection for ethnic groups suffering from genocide, we also stop accepting immigrants who want to leave the violence and disease. we should stop associating with africa until they learn how to put on a condom. last thing we need are more africans with aids.

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as some of you know the ol' pony here is quite often sick. mostly due to digestive indignities and gastrointestinal obscenities. (as a side note: just because the prostitute says one size fits all, strap-on manufacturers do not guarantee smooth egress in all cases) well, starting this past January i started listening to xm radio. in mid-February i stumbled upon opie and anthony (xm radio channel 202). i now listen to them on average 10 to 15 hours a week (shut up, dialysis takes a long time, especially when done one tea spoon at a time). in doing so i laugh frequently and since laughter is the best medicine i haven't been sick since I've started listening to them, except for one time and that was when they were on a recent "break". in fact i got so sick i had to make a visit to the emergency room and this time it wasn't to try and kidnap sick children so we could play doctor in the shed.

so i just want to thank opie, anthony and lil jimmy norton for helping to improve the quality of life for one self-destructive alcohol-opiate-butter addicted miscreant. gentlemen thank you.




I have a personal travel policy which states:

Do not go to countries where the citizens are leaving in great numbers to live in the United States. For example, Mexico, India, etc. Think about it. I bet you don't know where the German immigrants are hanging out in your neighborhood, but I bet you do know where you can get a pickup truck full of migrants to tile your bathroom. If you are leaving your home country to come here, I'm guessing it was a pretty awful place and I don't need to see it. (NOTE: This also applies to certain parts of this country as well, including shit holes like Buffalo, Rochester, Cleveland, etc., whose inhabitants seem to move here in droves.)

I've just added a Second Amendment to this Policy.

Malaria.

A coworker of mine that lives in India got Malaria. Are you shitting me? I don't care if I reached some Jeremy Piven form of yoga enlightenment, I'm not going to that place. No way. Nuh-uh. Padma Lakshmi lives here, i don't need to go there.

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amnesty international (heretofore referred to as assballs diarrhea) has issued a statement about deaths at gitmo needing to be investigated. and these aren't just any deaths, they aren't deaths of guards, or poisoning or other mistreatment of prisoners...these are deaths at the hands OF the prisoners. suicides. assballs diarrhea is worried about the mental stability of individuals being held at gitmo.

wouldn't these goat humpers offing themselves prove they are terrorists? lets break it down.

muslim + suicide = terrorist

seems pretty clear to me.

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i like Michael Moore. i am so happy he has a new movie coming out and even more it is coming out a week early. i think one thing all Americans can agree on is our health care system is in complete shambles and the only thing to fix it is for the government to take complete control over the system to make sure everyone is covered with comprehensive health care they don't have to pay for. too many people go bankrupt trying to maintain a normal healthy life and clearly it is not fair for only rich people to have access to top notch health care. i cant wait to see the comparison with our "first world" health care system compared to Cuba's "third world" health care system. the statistics will show Cuba clearly has the superior health care system.

I'm just kidding. hey Michael, i have a diet for you, its called aids. i hope you get it and then move to Cuba where you are assaulted by Billy Clinton with Cuban cigars.

why don't people like Michael Moore get stomach cancer?

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is f*cking hot......seriously. How in the hell did he pull that off?

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ive read the satanic verses. its a good book. definitely more interesting than mein kampf, though there were some really good ideas in mein kampf. however, it is not as thorough as the satanic bible.

i cant imagine why the goat humpers are getting their turbans in a bunch. so he says the koran was mis-translated because muhammad was an illiterate douche bag. as an aside, if allah really were the sheezie, wouldn't his number one guy be at least able to read? i mean come on, we are expected to believe allah's go-to guy, his numero uno, the original terrorist couldnt even muster enough time to figure out how to write a couple of things down. that really is poor planning on the part of allah. no wonder the goat humpers are so eager to kill themselves they cant even look at a playboy and if they could they wouldnt even be able to read the articles or find out what miss october's favorite color is (pink). anyway, back on track, merely pointing out the obvious is no reason for riots or fatwahs or not showering. maybe one day if a muslim can actually contribute something worthwhile to society, other than exploding vests and a penchant for repressed bestiality, they can get knighted as well. until then though they should really concentrate on not rubbing one out to mary had a little lamb.

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