i've taken on a new adventure. i have begun weight training. i don't know why i decided to do this...i am not overweight, i'm a svelte five foot ten, 280 pounds of solid nuclear waste. my doctor keeps talking about cancer and not worrying, i figure the drugs and alcohol and bleach and under age girls would cure what ails me. stupid science disagrees, but science is bullshit anyways.

basically it would be less embarrassing if my trainer raped me then told me he had aids. and i'm not sure it's necessary for him to watch me take a shower and point at my crotch and laugh. far be it from me to question him though. i was so sore i could barely wash my hair; my arms were flopping around like i had fragile X and was staring into a strobe light. having never had any formal or informal weight training other than pushing hookers into traffic the thing we worked out on this morning was some godawful contraption with pulleys and bars and seats and handles made of ropes. i could have sworn at one point i saw the spanish inquisition and could hear screaming. my trainer told me i was the one screaming but i dont believe him because after i blacked out i didnt remember screaming so it must not have happened.

at one point he told me he specializes in working with morbidly obese people and retards. i wanted to ask him which i was but i was in the fetal position begging for my mother. he also keeps telling me things will get easier. i certainly hope so, it is humiliating trying to kill yourself in front of so many people.

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someone actually wants to report the news....


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