13sides

This truck is cursed.....

2007-10-30T10:25:00.000-04:00

Last night on my way up 400, between Mansell road and Haynes Bridge I hear a loud boom right above my head. I thought a rock or something had been kicked up from the road that i didn't see. Kept driving up to my exit, got off 400 and went to the gas station. I got a
funny look from the guy parked next to me. I got out of the car and had this staring me in the face.

This is the southbound end of a northbound owl.

There is a GIANT OWL with it's head stuck in the roof rack. Unlucky for the
bird - but lucky for me, it wasn't alive anymore. I calmed myself down for a second and snapped a photo cause nobody was gonna believe me if I didn't. Then I did my best to dispose of it.

Snapped another image this morning. Luckily there wasn't any damage to the truck other than some feathers stuck in the joint where the roof rack meets the car.

working out is for queers

2007-07-09T12:02:00.000-04:00

i've taken on a new adventure. i have begun weight training. i don't know why i decided to do this...i am not overweight, i'm a svelte five foot ten, 280 pounds of solid nuclear waste. my doctor keeps talking about cancer and not worrying, i figure the drugs and alcohol and bleach and under age girls would cure what ails me. stupid science disagrees, but science is bullshit anyways.

basically it would be less embarrassing if my trainer raped me then told me he had aids. and i'm not sure it's necessary for him to watch me take a shower and point at my crotch and laugh. far be it from me to question him though. i was so sore i could barely wash my hair; my arms were flopping around like i had fragile X and was staring into a strobe light. having never had any formal or informal weight training other than pushing hookers into traffic the thing we worked out on this morning was some godawful contraption with pulleys and bars and seats and handles made of ropes. i could have sworn at one point i saw the spanish inquisition and could hear screaming. my trainer told me i was the one screaming but i dont believe him because after i blacked out i didnt remember screaming so it must not have happened.

at one point he told me he specializes in working with morbidly obese people and retards. i wanted to ask him which i was but i was in the fetal position begging for my mother. he also keeps telling me things will get easier. i certainly hope so, it is humiliating trying to kill yourself in front of so many people.

interesting

2007-07-02T08:48:00.000-04:00

someone actually wants to report the news....

At least he didn't send me a picture of his tits...

2007-06-28T12:59:00.000-04:00

I got a very strange email on Tuesday from a guy I used to work with named James. I haven't spoken to James in over 2.5 years and you'll find out why.

James was one of the strangest guys I'd ever met. He was mid 40s, overweight, never married, held a myriad of bizarre jobs (some of which included moving hazardous materials). He creepily commented on the Brazillian teenage girls that lived in his apartment complex or bragged about the new Ministry or German techno CD he had to drive 45 minutes out of his way to find. He was always sweaty, loud, and could sometimes be a pain in the ass.

James emails me out of the blue (again, after not speaking for almost 3 years) on Tuesday and here are the contents:

From: James
Subject: Tara Reid

Didn't you tell me you thought she was hot at one time?

James

Once again, I had not spoken to this guy in forever and he wanted to ask my opinion on Tara Reid? I had to email my old coworkers to get their opinion on this comedic masterpiece.

"If I sat around for an hour trying to think up a more bizarre email, I don't think I could do it. Pure Genius!" - The Penguin

"Is he asking for your approval before he rubs one out?" - BK

"That is awesome" - CF

"Man, that Tara Reid is one nasty freak. But I better not whackoff to her because I think this guy I worked with 2 years ago has a thing for her. Maybe I should, though, she's so hot. Well, that's it. I'm settling this thing with an email right now...." - The Penguin

I asked all of my friends if I should email him back and the emphatic answer was yes. So I wrote back "I thought she is kinda trashy. Why do you ask?"

"Just happened upon a picture of her on the net, remembered when Van Wilder came out and you commented on her"

What The F*ck??!?

This guy is Danny McGrath from Billy Madison.

elizabeth edwards has cancer

2007-06-28T11:42:00.000-04:00

elizabeth edwards (heretofore referred to as "dromedary") is upset because ann coulter is mean. dromedary even went so far as to call in and admonish ann for her hateful speech. maybe dromedary should spend more time worrying about rogue cells dying and slowly killing her than feeding the fire of ann coulter's fantastic book sales. personally i thought ann's comment about the bumper sticker was hiiiii-larious. what is even more is i bet john and the dromedary did try to capitalize on the death of their son and should the dromedary kick it, i'm sure edwards would try to capitalize on her death.

after all since when did people give press conferences about having cancer? hey elizabeth, who gives a shit if you have cancer? i'll tell you who, the people who know and care about you, the rest of the country could care less. what does your cancer have to do with anything? it has nothing to do with anything. people get cancer everyday. people die from cancer everyday. why are you so important that you need your own press conference to announce your tits are going to fall off? because john is running for president? tell you what, why dont you shut the fuck up. john isn't going to get anymore votes because you are sick, having a press conference about your boobies isnt going to make them heal any quicker, why don't you act like a normal american and deal with it privately, with only those people who need to know, instead of being an attention whore.

i wish there were a disease for attention whores...

Yippee Ki-Yay, M-F'er

2007-06-27T11:15:00.000-04:00

Thanks Best Week Ever.

Bork

Things that piss Dr. Noisewater off.

2007-06-26T22:42:00.001-04:00

Little Kids at the driving range. I blame this one on Tiger Woods. We've all seen the pictures of Tiger Woods on Johnny Carson when he was 3. We've heard about Earl Woods gluing golf clubs to his hands (ok, maybe I made that one up.) Now the driving range is full of soccer moms with 3 year olds. The parents are there for fucking social hour and making just as much noise as the kids, and it's really pissing me off.

I saw this 4 year old kid the other day his a ball 20 feet and then his mom ran out into the driving range to pick the thing up! I was tempted to put another dimple in that fat soccer mom ass of hers.

So please soccer moms, buy your kids some whiffle golf balls and let him hit in the back yard. Don't waste $10 a bucket on your kid cause he's pissing me off. He sucks at golf and will be a failure just like you.

She probably said wrestling is fake.

2007-06-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

I know the heat here in Atlanta makes people do crazy shit, but damn. Proving once again that the only thing worse here than the traffic is our athletes, wrestler/actor/anabolic steroid receptacle Chris Benoit killed his wife and kid, then offed himself. (Author's Note: If i lived in Fayetteville on the south side of the ATL, I'd consider offing myself as well.) Hey Cincinnati, we laugh at your DUI's. Chicago, we scoff at Tank Black's gun charges.

We've got Ray Lewis shooting up Buckhead. We've got Pacman Jones making it rain bullets here in the offseason. Our most famous resident, Mike Vick, running a dogfighting ring. Who can forget the famous Gold Club trial of a few years ago? Chris Benoit finishes off the Atlanta wrestling trifecta antics of Lex Luger (drugs) and recently busted Disco Inferno in a high stakes poker ring.

I don't watch wrestling, but I heard that Vince McMahon ran a 3 hour retrospective on Chris Benoit last night praising him and his time in the WWE. That's right, 3 hours of TV dedicated to a murderer. Expect Mr. McMahon to be appeaing in front of a Congressional hearing very soon. Dumbass.

black is the new stupid

2007-06-26T13:08:00.000-04:00

i love countries that don't want the u.s. to get involved in their business. it makes it even better when they then get pissed off because we aren't doing "enough" to help them with things like global warming, aids, reading, stealing rims.

these africans don't want to associate themselves with the united states because they don't trust the u.s. in the war or terror. how about this then...we stop giving money for aids (because aids is funny) assistance, we stop giving money to assist in bringing some of the countries into the first century (they got rims but they haven't invented the wheel yet), we stop offering protection for ethnic groups suffering from genocide, we also stop accepting immigrants who want to leave the violence and disease. we should stop associating with africa until they learn how to put on a condom. last thing we need are more africans with aids.

marry me

2007-06-25T10:20:00.001-04:00

how opie and anthony have saved my life....

2007-06-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

as some of you know the ol' pony here is quite often sick. mostly due to digestive indignities and gastrointestinal obscenities. (as a side note: just because the prostitute says one size fits all, strap-on manufacturers do not guarantee smooth egress in all cases) well, starting this past January i started listening to xm radio. in mid-February i stumbled upon opie and anthony (xm radio channel 202). i now listen to them on average 10 to 15 hours a week (shut up, dialysis takes a long time, especially when done one tea spoon at a time). in doing so i laugh frequently and since laughter is the best medicine i haven't been sick since I've started listening to them, except for one time and that was when they were on a recent "break". in fact i got so sick i had to make a visit to the emergency room and this time it wasn't to try and kidnap sick children so we could play doctor in the shed.

so i just want to thank opie, anthony and lil jimmy norton for helping to improve the quality of life for one self-destructive alcohol-opiate-butter addicted miscreant. gentlemen thank you.

An Amendment to Dr. Ken's Travel Policy

2007-06-22T15:58:00.000-04:00

I have a personal travel policy which states:

Do not go to countries where the citizens are leaving in great numbers to live in the United States. For example, Mexico, India, etc. Think about it. I bet you don't know where the German immigrants are hanging out in your neighborhood, but I bet you do know where you can get a pickup truck full of migrants to tile your bathroom. If you are leaving your home country to come here, I'm guessing it was a pretty awful place and I don't need to see it. (NOTE: This also applies to certain parts of this country as well, including shit holes like Buffalo, Rochester, Cleveland, etc., whose inhabitants seem to move here in droves.)

I've just added a Second Amendment to this Policy.

Malaria.

A coworker of mine that lives in India got Malaria. Are you shitting me? I don't care if I reached some Jeremy Piven form of yoga enlightenment, I'm not going to that place. No way. Nuh-uh. Padma Lakshmi lives here, i don't need to go there.

muslim math

2007-06-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

amnesty international (heretofore referred to as assballs diarrhea) has issued a statement about deaths at gitmo needing to be investigated. and these aren't just any deaths, they aren't deaths of guards, or poisoning or other mistreatment of prisoners...these are deaths at the hands OF the prisoners. suicides. assballs diarrhea is worried about the mental stability of individuals being held at gitmo.

wouldn't these goat humpers offing themselves prove they are terrorists? lets break it down.

muslim + suicide = terrorist

seems pretty clear to me.

sicko: greatest movie ever?

2007-06-22T10:14:00.000-04:00

i like Michael Moore. i am so happy he has a new movie coming out and even more it is coming out a week early. i think one thing all Americans can agree on is our health care system is in complete shambles and the only thing to fix it is for the government to take complete control over the system to make sure everyone is covered with comprehensive health care they don't have to pay for. too many people go bankrupt trying to maintain a normal healthy life and clearly it is not fair for only rich people to have access to top notch health care. i cant wait to see the comparison with our "first world" health care system compared to Cuba's "third world" health care system. the statistics will show Cuba clearly has the superior health care system.

I'm just kidding. hey Michael, i have a diet for you, its called aids. i hope you get it and then move to Cuba where you are assaulted by Billy Clinton with Cuban cigars.

why don't people like Michael Moore get stomach cancer?

sir salmon rushdee's wife....

2007-06-21T13:17:00.001-04:00

is f*cking hot......seriously. How in the hell did he pull that off?

sir salmon rushdee

2007-06-20T21:55:00.000-04:00

ive read the satanic verses. its a good book. definitely more interesting than mein kampf, though there were some really good ideas in mein kampf. however, it is not as thorough as the satanic bible.

i cant imagine why the goat humpers are getting their turbans in a bunch. so he says the koran was mis-translated because muhammad was an illiterate douche bag. as an aside, if allah really were the sheezie, wouldn't his number one guy be at least able to read? i mean come on, we are expected to believe allah's go-to guy, his numero uno, the original terrorist couldnt even muster enough time to figure out how to write a couple of things down. that really is poor planning on the part of allah. no wonder the goat humpers are so eager to kill themselves they cant even look at a playboy and if they could they wouldnt even be able to read the articles or find out what miss october's favorite color is (pink). anyway, back on track, merely pointing out the obvious is no reason for riots or fatwahs or not showering. maybe one day if a muslim can actually contribute something worthwhile to society, other than exploding vests and a penchant for repressed bestiality, they can get knighted as well. until then though they should really concentrate on not rubbing one out to mary had a little lamb.

a singing scrot

2007-02-16T08:52:00.000-05:00

so this morning scrot was singing his abc's and in the middle he paused thoughtfully and farted. i feel sure this was very cute, only because colloid was so thrilled to tell the story. silly scrot.

its been a while....

2007-02-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

the pony has started a new job where i can drink regularly and punch babies in the face frequently. my new job has afforded me the opportunity to sit in a "demoralizer 5000", also known as a cube to the kids who arent in the cool club. anywho, the woman who sits behind me....we'll call her "colloid"....loves to talk on the phone and quite loudly at that. her favorite subject? her son of course. we will call him "scrot".

here are the things i have learned so far.

- colloid is trying to find some place to vacation using her timeshare as a bargaining tool.
- scrot got measured yesterday.
- scrot didnt want to eat dinner last night. but he wouldnt let colloid take his plate away. evidently that was cute and frustrating at the same time.

more on the way im sure...she takes a phone call about every hour.

Cynthia and Onyi, My Masterpiece.....

2006-08-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

Recognize this handsome devil??

This is Onyidollars. Or Tyrone from some black college fraternity formal. The point is this is who Onyi says he is because he emailed me this photograph. I thought all Nigerians wore loin cloths and speared tigers, but i guess the joke is on me.

This might be my greatest scam on this guy yet. After my gender reassignment surgeon IM, I decided this guy probably wouldn't talk to me ever again. I needed to create a new yahoo account with a fake alias and start all over. Enter Cynthia_Mckinney_8891.

Onyi immediately fell in love with Cynthia. She was the sucker of all suckers. Over a period of a month (I will spare you all of the boring and unfunny transcripts) Onyi had gained Cynthia's trust so much that Cynthia was gonna wire Onyi over $3500 dollars. Of course, I never went to Western Union. And Onyi wasn't happy. Not only did he not get the money, but his passport was confiscated (or so he says).

The three transcripts that follow are 1) the email i sent Onyi with the Western Union details, 2) IM transcripts from after he returned from Western Union without the money, and 3) his marriage proposal.

Read On....

Fark Iran!

2006-08-15T18:54:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or is this guy the Iranian version of Balki from Perfect Strangers? After declaring victory following a U.N. cease-fire, this limp-wristed jihadist has a new attack planned for the West.

Nukes? Nope. Chemical or biological weapons? Nope. Vidal Sasson and Kodak disposables? Nope. You'll never guess...

Cartoons!

Try to stay with me here. Iran's year-old response to the cartoon depictions of Allah (God bless that Dane) is to have a cartoon-off. In a display that's somehow gayer than fight scenes from West Side Story, Iran Cartoon (who knew?) and some Iranian newspaper are having a contest to find the best "the holocaust was a lie" cartoons. This is supposed to "test the limits" of western acceptance of free speech. (Don't these guys get Comedy Central yet?)

Apparently this contest was announced six months ago and slipped through my radar, but I digress. So these quick-witted Iranians take 4 months to think of the idea. Then, they give participants 7 month's notice, their state-run cartoon company co-sponsors the event, and apparently get participants from over 60 countries to contribute. To top it off, first, second, and third prize are all equal to or great than the average Iranian's annual income. After all this how many cartoons do they get? A million? Half a million? A hundred thousand? Nope - just 1,200.

If there's an Allah out there, Fark will have a week-long all-out Allah Photoshop contest! Allah with Mustard! Allah saying "It's a trap". Allah in every Star Wars film ever made. Drew, if you're listening, please help us out here and Fark Iran!

How I got this large bottle of Vicodin....

2006-08-10T12:35:00.000-04:00

Read the gory details here.......

This is what happens when a eco-friendly civic hits my SUV at 55mph:

This is what happens to an SUV at a dead stop when an eco-friendly Honda hits it at 55mph:

Doesn't look like a lot, but initial damage estimate at $4,000. And it hurt like a sum-bitch.

mexican food

2006-08-04T07:50:00.000-04:00

yesterday i had mexican food for lunch. i started with a big hezbollah of salsa. it was very spicy so i took a break and watched a little tel aviv. but then the main course came and thought even though i have a spare tyre i though "hamas gonna let this food go to waste?". so i ate everything and became a member of the clean plate club.

when i got back to work i felt a little grumbling, a little tumbling in my tummy. so iran to the loo and took a huge haifa. it was so awful i got a little nasrallah. the dude in the stall next to me even said "olmert god, im gonna beirut all over the place" and quickly left. once i completed my katuysha i went back to my desk and continued to work. but for the rest of the day every once and a while, like the sound of distant artillerary, i smiled at the thought of all the camel jockeys and towel heads trying to escape israeli air strikes. viva la israel!

See B.S. Poll

2006-07-26T21:03:00.000-04:00

I love See B.S. From the network that gave us Memo-Gate comes this objectively-worded headline:

POLL: WORLD DOESN'T RESPECT BUSH

I don't know what "world" they're talking about but most guys I know respect the hell out of bush, though prefer the bikini triangle, the porn-like landing strip, or shaved. Nevertheless, I began reading the first sentence:

"Americans generally approve of President Bush's handling of the current Mideast crisis, according to a CBS News/New York Times poll, but six in 10 say the president is not respected by foreign leaders. "

Um, where's this "world" stuff again? This is just a poll of freakin' Americans! That's twice you've duped me See B.S.

Continuing on I found this:

"(A)nd in an additional diplomatic concern, most Americans (60 percent) now think he is not respected by foreign leaders. That number is down significantly since just before the Iraq war began in 2003, when about half of Americans thought Mr. Bush was respected around the world. "

What? Where's the bad news here? I was ready for some Bush-bashing and you give me:
WAR ON TERROR PERCEIVED TO COST 10% OF NON-REGISTERED VOTERS

I wish Horatio was still around to explain this whole journalism thing.

Nobel "I'm gonna kill you mother f*&^%er" Prize

2006-07-25T18:38:00.000-04:00

The Nobel Prize really is a joke anyway. There seems to be two lists. The list I remember as a kid with Mother Theresa and the like and the other list with people like Betty Williams. So 30 years ago this idiot protests England's killing an IRA member (read: Irish Al Qaeda) because after the English gentlemen shot the McMurderer he veered off the road killing a few innocent people (for probably the 50th time). Williams makes leaflets and signs and whatever and gets the prize.

Just so we know Ms. Williams, how'd the IRA do for 30 years following that prize? Appeasement defined.

After babbling on to a few hundred schoolchildren about how Ms. Williams would love to "kill George Bush", the aspiring assassin-of-peace tells her story:

"We went to a hospital where there were 200 children; they were beautiful, all of them, but they had cancers that the doctors couldn't even recognize. From the first Gulf War, the mothers' wombs were infected. "
----- Pause for WMD proof # 9246, for anyone still counting -----
After asking a doctor if he thought they would make it Ms. Williams continued, "He looked me straight in the eye and said, 'None, not one'. They needed five different kinds of medication to treat the cancers that the children had, and the embargoes laid on by the United States and the United Nations only allowed them three."

Williams never said which George Bush, so why not assume both here. Let's review. Saddam Hussein ignores international law, invades Kuwait, among other things kills hundreds of Kuwaiti babies in incubators (if only we had a peace-lover to protect them), and then the UN steps up, lead by who else, the US. Saddam Hussein then uses WMDs which gives his people cancer needing "five different types of medications" to treat.

GHWB stops Hussein's ass into the desert.

Years later, after defying his own signed agreement with the UN, Saddam Hussein chooses to break a law whose punishment is embargoes. For several reasons, we can't trust his word that he isn't preparing to nuke us into the stone age and eventually the embargoes are enforced while Saddam pockets billions from the Oil for Food program. After a few thousand US citizens are killed, and given historical proof of Saddam using WMDs and lying to us, we don't trust his latest assertions and the US decides to act.

GWB stop his ass into the desert. A new government is formed. Embargoes are lifted. Medicine, iPods, and Britney Spears for all.

So, the moral of this story is George Bush should be killed by a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Am I the only one who thinks the whole world has gone crazy?

GWB in Da Heezie

2006-07-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

Bush addressed the NAACP recently to reach out to the black vote and tout the renewal of the Voting Rights Act of 1965. I've tried reading the act but it's not really a page-turner. What I can't understand is if we really need it or not or if it's just one of those symbolic things that don't really do anything, sort of like an Al Sharpton law.

The act aside, I found sweet irony in some of the statements made. The President said “you must understand, and I understand, that racism still lingers in America.” Yes, Mr. President, it does. Just look at the room full of people in front of you hoping for a promise of laws that benefit only blacks.

Discussing the visit, Al “race-baiter” Sharpton and Bill O’Reilly got in a tussle about public education and school vouchers when Sharpton offered these gems:

“The job of American presidents is to give quality education to everybody.”
“You cannot finance a voucher system that’s for everybody system. The voucher for everybody is called public education.”

Uh, I’m still checking the Constitution on the first one but so far no, that’s not the job of American presidents. It’s the job of American principals, teachers, and the NEA. How’ve they been doing by the way? Al then confused a voucher-for-all system with public education. That’s like saying you’d need a 96% welfare rate to keep unemployment at 4%. The missing ingredient here is what we conservatives refer to as “competition”.

Bush said, “I understand that many African-Americans distrust my political party.” Then continued, “I can make it simple. We republicans spoke out, fought, and died for the right for blacks to be free. If democrats won, you’d all be slaves. See how easy that was? So if you people would stop voting like a herd of sheep that’d be great.” After which, Bush was lynched for saying “you people”.

After all of this I still have one question: is it politically correct to say "colored people"? Still wondering why it's not the NAA-BP, or the NAA-AAP.

Coulter is a Liar: Part I

2006-07-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

Taking a break from my after-dinner treat: Godless, I happened upon a website that made me proud to not be a Democrat. Two claims on this page were made. To save myself from an aneurysm, I'll ignore the second. Because, frankly, I don't know or care if blacks were forced to sit in the back of movie theaters or balconies. I'm pretty sure I would have opposed such a theater and am glad they don't exist today. To be frank, however, I've never been to a movie theater with a balcony. If I had, that's where I'd want to sit - that is, if the back of the first floor was already taken.

The first point made was that Ann Coulter got it wrong. These crafty liberals dissected Ann in ways only they can. After trashing George Clooney and Hollywood liberals about their tardy entrance to social issues, Coulter wrote: "The point is: The Hollywood set didn't start wearing AIDS ribbons until 1992." The brilliant retort was: "As tipster Ian M. correctly asserts, the AIDS ribbon wasn't even designed until 1991." (At which point Bruce Springsteen music plays and balloons start falling.)

No ribbon? We had no idea! How else could you possibly raise awareness for a disease killing hundreds of thousands of your "girlfriends" without a ribbon? (Besides, of course, using your undue global influence and wielding that enormous microphone available to you. Still can't think of how? I'll help you. Pretend Bush was re-elected and six weeks later a ballot-baffling, crack-pipe carrying, ex-convict said he hit two red lights on his way to vote at 11:59pm in Miami-Dade. Go!)

The comments idiots are even better, but picking off them all would cause carpal tunnel, and make me dumber for doing it. Since I'm already four deep:

Fortunate One says:
I hate her like the big bag of poison she is. Okay, I know, that doesn't make much sense, but words cannot express, you know... her whole implication that AIDS was only spread by anal sex? Ann, you're an idiot, babe.

Let me help clarify Ann's "implication". Coulter implied that AIDS was primarily "spread by anal sex" BETWEEN TWO DUDES!!!! Find some facts to disprove that.

RyanAdams opines:
Ann Coulter has a special place in my heart. You have to admire her vileness, it's unique like how cows farting can harm the Ozone... disgusting, yet remarkable.

You know what else is remarkable, how God allows cows to fart and "harm the Ozone" but no one dies from it. But show Him the primary cause for the spread of AIDS and here comes the reaper.

chgo921 spews:
Is she getting her AIDS info from her closeted friends (cough, Drudge, cough)? And like Reagan tried to do with AIDS, if we ignore her, will she just go away?

This one is hard to hate entirely. In two sentences, this moron used being gay as an insult then pretended to be concerned for decades. I, for one, am glad Reagan didn't spend more time on AIDS. In a shockingly brilliant display of prioritizing 100% of his constituency over less than 1%, he was too busy winning the Cold War. Further, and it's been a few weeks since I read the Constitution, but I don't remember seeing the Article titled "President's Responsibility: Protecting Gays from Themselves".

Whatever these people think, they're missing the point entirely. Coulter was pointing out that liberals weren't allowing any discussion about how AIDS was indeed highly concentrated in the gay community. Infinitely more important, if public officials weren't so damn PC they may have been able to correctly point out this fact, target the likely with information and warning, and stopped or slowed the spread of AIDS.

I feel comforted knowing if one day the CDC discovers golf causes leprosy in above-average wage-earning white males I'll read about it everywhere. Like Coulter, I'm troubled as to why that's true. But God help everyone should one day scientists discover fried chicken causes heart disease and obesity among - cough - those most likely to consume it.

Random Things That Anger Me - Part II

2006-07-16T13:13:00.000-04:00

Two more things popped into my head today. Here they are, in no particular order:

1) Cloth toilet seat covers. Recently, my wife installed these works of Lucifer in every bathroom in the house. Now, when I have to pee, I'm forced to do the one-hand-on-member, one-hand-on-toilet-seat balancing act. When friends are over and need to return some beers back to the wild, a wave of shame emanates from my soul as they walk to the nearest de-masculated latrine. When they return, it takes 10 minutes to make eye contact or speak again. We both know what just happened. Only time can heal the wounds.

2) Mid-way through Godless, someone please tell me why Ann Coulter is politically sidelined as merely a pundit. Not to impune her impact, but there has to be some red state that needs a new Congresswoman or a national campaign needing a leader, or candidate. Granted, she's likely unelectably on the grounds of her addictions to facts, historical perspective, and reason. That and her ubiquitous crusade against abortion. Coulter's writing has a way of hitting the reset button on my common sense - restoring it to its factory-default setting of Clear & Rational - and undoing decades of unnecessary complication caused by spin, public ignorance, and distortion of truth. More interesting is the fact while Godless disproves every major liberal position and/or assertion of consequential truth that I've been exposed to still nothing is refuted by the left. Well, I digress. To liberals, I must admit that I, too, feel Ann Coulter plaigarized one sentence regarding the Furbish lousewort. Disgusted by this, I can only dismiss what I've read and go no further.

Something tells me Onyi doesn't like me anymore....

2006-07-07T15:04:00.000-04:00

[11:15] Dr.Ken: onyi
[11:15] Dr.Ken: what's up
[11:15] Dr.Ken: you left yesterday
[11:23] onyidollars: noi
[11:23] Dr.Ken: i got up and when i came back you were gone
[11:40] Dr.Ken: you there?
[11:40] onyidollars: yes
[11:40] onyidollars: where are u
[11:40] Dr.Ken: USA
[11:41] onyidollars: ok
[11:41] onyidollars: i love to know you
[11:41] Dr.Ken: thanks, i feel the same way
[11:43] Dr.Ken: where are you?
[11:46] onyidollars: enugu
[11:46] onyidollars: nigeria
[11:46] Dr.Ken: and what do you do there
[11:50] onyidollars: a banker
[11:52] Dr.Ken: cool
[11:52] onyidollars: u
[11:53] Dr.Ken: I'm a gender-reassignment surgeon
[11:54] Dr.Ken: makes me a lot of money
[11:54] onyidollars: u dont know what u are
[11:55] Dr.Ken: sure i do
[11:55] onyidollars: fuke you
[11:55] Dr.Ken: I'm pretty sure what i am, i cut my own penis off with a pair of rusty garden shears
[11:56] onyidollars: idiot
[11:56] Dr.Ken: i know, it hurt like a m*ther f*cker
[11:56] Dr.Ken: i was an idiot for doing it
[11:57] Dr.Ken: but now i can pee sitting down
[11:57] onyidollars: ok
[11:58] Dr.Ken: so how about sending me some of those exploding dye packs
[11:58] Dr.Ken: does your bank give out lolly pops?
[12:04] *** "onyidollars" signed off at Fri Jul 07 12:04:24 2006.

Dr. Ken, the Fluffer

2006-07-06T15:18:00.000-04:00

Onyi IM'd me today. He wasn't very talkative at all though. BTW, that 770 number that I gave him is the rejection hotline.

[13:15] onyidollars: how du do
[13:16] Dr. Ken: just fine
[13:16] Dr. Ken: you?
[13:16] onyidollars: cool
[13:16] onyidollars: what do u do
[13:16] Dr. Ken: I'm a fluffer
[13:18] onyidollars: ok
[13:18] onyidollars: that,s good
[13:18] Dr. Ken: it is good
[13:21] onyidollars: ur phone no
[13:25] Dr. Ken: 7709087383
[13:27] onyidollars: ok
[13:27] onyidollars: your country
[13:30] Dr. Ken: I live in the Valley, near LA Califonia,
[13:30] Dr. Ken: That's where they film all the movies i work for
[13:30] Dr. Ken: maybe you've heard of some of them
[13:32] Dr. Ken: Romancing the Bone
[13:32] Dr. Ken: Men in Back
[13:32] Dr. Ken: Baredevil
[13:33] Dr. Ken: you seen any of those?
[13:33] Dr. Ken: where do you live?
[13:34] Dr. Ken: i'll be right back, cocks don't get hard on their own!
Session Close (onyidollars): Thu Jul 06 13:34:36 2006

Onyi talks World Cup

2006-07-06T15:04:00.000-04:00

This is from a couple of weeks ago. My nigerian scammer buddy IM'd me on the 20th. Sorry it took so long to post, as i forgot it even happened.

[14:00] onyidollars: hi
[14:00] Dr. Ken: hi
[14:00] onyidollars: was up
[14:01] Dr. Ken: eatin some lunch
[14:01] Dr. Ken: getting ready to watch the World cup
[14:02] onyidollars: wow
[14:02] onyidollars: was the score german
[14:03] Dr. Ken: 3-0
[14:03] onyidollars: to who
[14:03] Dr. Ken: Germany beat Ecuador
[14:03] onyidollars: poland and costa
[14:03] Dr. Ken: 2-1 for Poland
[14:03] onyidollars: who won
[14:03] Dr. Ken: Poland
[14:04] Dr. Ken: but neither advance
[14:04] onyidollars: who quliafy
[14:04] Dr. Ken: Germany and Ecuador
[14:06] onyidollars: ok
[14:06] onyidollars: where are u
[14:06] Dr. Ken: USA
[14:06] onyidollars: can i ahve your no
[14:07] Dr. Ken: what do you need it for?
[14:07] onyidollars: as friends
[14:07] Dr. Ken: where are you calling from
[14:07] Dr. Ken: it would be expensive
[14:08] onyidollars: i work in a bank
[14:08] onyidollars: so is not
[14:08] Dr. Ken: i have many banker friends
[14:08] Dr. Ken: what bank do you work at
[14:08] onyidollars: diamond bank nigeria
[14:09] Dr. Ken: I have friends at Suntrust and Bank of America
[14:09] onyidollars: ok
[14:14] Dr. Ken: have you ever seen an exploding dye pack?
[14:14] Dr. Ken: do you have those in Nigeria?
[14:15] Dr. Ken: the little bombs that explode when someone robs a bank
[14:15] onyidollars: yes
[14:16] onyidollars: did u need it
[14:16] Dr. Ken: if you have any laying around
[14:16] onyidollars: yes
Session Close (onyidollars): Tue Jun 20 14:38:49 2006

politician's manifesto by tony the pony

2006-06-29T11:06:00.000-04:00

i've had it with both parties. im so tired of the shit slinging, the name calling, the he said - he said crap, the delving into pasts for information meaning nothing. im tired of the posturing, the pandering, the lying, the scheming. im tired of the suits and photo ops. im tired of having to listen to these chuckleheads tell me 1. something i already know or 2. something that is complete and total bullshit. im tired of having a representative not representing me. im tired of sending someone to washington to spend a few years to figure out how to stay in washington instead of representing someone in their constituency. americans are called stupid becuase the politicians say things and we dont get upset or try to refute. americans aren't stupid, they're tired. there is no point in telling someone they are wrong when they haven't ever listened to you and aren't going to start now though they may represent you. americans are exhausted listening to the people pretending to be adults, pretending to look out for us, pretending they care, pretending they have a vision for america.

what i want is a politician i can vote for not someone who gets my vote because the other candidate is a turd burglar. i want someone who doesnt spend the entire campaign telling me why i shouldnt vote for the other candidate. im not retarded; i can use the internet and see who else is running. i can see their voting record (if they have one), i can see what they've done with their life, i don't need your help in framing the opposition. give me someone inspiring. give me someone who actually believes in america and not in their own interests. give me someone who could care less about the opposition because their job is to REPRESENT their constituents and not sling shit at the other guy. give me someone who will listen to what we have to say and take it to washington and look out for the state first then the federal government. give me someone with a basic understanding in economics and ethics. give me someone who won't go on record just for the sake of doing so but will be heard through their votes and their dedication to the people they represent. give me someone who won't spend time passing resolutions to thank the whitehouse secretary for making brownies. give me someone who knows we don't need special projects from the federal government, someone who will refuse pork barrel spending though they may be the only one who does so. give me someone who understands when i go to work the money i make is mine first, my family's second, my church or other associations third through fiftieth and maybe if there is anything left over the government can have some of it...maybe. give me someone who will defend this country without apology. give me someone who is willing to stand tall and do what is right for this country and then the world. give me someone unwilling to appease anyone who threatens our security. give me someone who will build a wall a mile high and a mile thick across all of our borders. give me someone who won't apologize for it either. give me someone who will send home those people who are here illegally and punish those countries who allow or even assist their citizens to break our laws. give me someone who is not afraid to pray to god, any god. give me someone who will tell reporters "its none of your damn business".

give me an american, not a politician.

Random Things That Anger Me

2006-06-14T15:26:00.000-04:00

Seemingly random things anger me. Maybe they don't anger others, but they do me. It's not always airline peanuts, traffic, or politics. Sometimes it's the litte things. For instance, how people say websites can piss me off in two ways.

1) "Dubya, dubya, dubya... Microsoft dot com". You may want to read this twice to know what I'm talking about. They saw the www but eliminate the "dot", then say "dot com" at the end. "Dubya, dubya, dubya...(pause)...Yahoo! dot com." It takes a special kind of lunatic to do this.

2) "H-T-T-P...colon...slash...slash." They actually say it and I die a littel each time I hear it. I'd bet most people who spell out http:// have never been to an ftp or https site in their lives.

The Intern Project, Part 2

2006-06-06T11:01:00.000-04:00

Our intern P-Diddy has a special keyboard that he is attached to. We felt the keyboard should be attached to the ceiling.

The Intern Project

2006-06-01T21:42:00.000-04:00

My department got an intern 2 weeks ago. It is my philosophy that interns should be hazed. Today is part 1 of the installment.

Meet Puyan. We call him P-Diddy, Puffy, Diddy, Punani, etc. Diddy is a 22 year old student at a technical institution in town. He seems like a good kid, but over-eager and very naive.

Wednesday, 9:45 AM - We decided we would start the pranks by messing with his equipment. Before he got to work, we stole his monitor cable. Harmless, right? Puyan wasn't amused. He went to the supply room to get another cable and returned cussing up a storm.

10:15 AM - We were reminded of the building fire drill that was to occur. One of our co-workers has a bum leg, so Puyan decided to take the elevator with bum-leg downstairs before the fire drill started. A 22 year old not wanting to walk down 11 flights of stairs just smacks of laziness. So we stole his monitor cable again. **NOTE - This was done out of spite and punishment.

10:45 AM - We returned from the fire drill with more cussing from the intern as he realized again we had stolen his monitor cable. He went to the supply room to get another.

12:45 PM - I conspired with someone not in our department to steal his monitor cable while we were at lunch. As we were walking out of the building, Puyan decided he wasn't hungry and took the elevator back upstairs. By this time, his monitor cable was already gone. He went to the supply room to get another.

4:15 PM - While he was in a meeting, we decided to steal his cable again. We went behind his monitor to unhook the cable, only to find he had zip-tied it to the monitor. We took a pocket knife and cut the tie, then stole the cable. He went to the supply room to get another one amidst much cussing.

Thursday - 9:45 AM - Puyan got to work today and was greeted with this.

We had taken every monitor cable we could find and stacked them on his desk, however, we stole his monitor.

Tomorrow I think we will zip-tie everything on his desk together.

My African Friend, Part 2

2006-06-01T14:35:00.000-04:00

My Nigerian scammer friend, OnyiDollars, returned today. This time, however, the subject of money never even came up.

12:01] onyidollars: how are u
[12:05] Dr. Ken: fine
[12:05] Dr. Ken: and you
[12:06] onyidollars: cool
[12:06] onyidollars: what do u do
[12:06] Dr. Ken: I'm an internet gambler
[12:07] onyidollars: that is good
[12:07] Dr. Ken: and an amateur gardener
[12:07] onyidollars: sorry fr self
[12:08] Dr. Ken: ?
[12:08] onyidollars: i am sorry for y
[12:08] Dr. Ken: why?
[12:08] Dr. Ken: i grow fresh vegetables for my family
[12:09] onyidollars: u dont want to help your self
[12:09] Dr. Ken: help myself?
[12:09] Dr. Ken: i make a lot of money playing poker
[12:10] Dr. Ken: what do you do?
[12:10] Dr. Ken: and my wife likes sitting in the cucumber patch for some damn reason
[12:10] Dr. Ken: I pulled her out kicking and screaming the other day
[12:10] Dr. Ken: hello?
[12:11] Dr. Ken: are you there?
[12:13] onyidollars: yeah
[12:13] onyidollars: go on
[12:14] Dr. Ken: what do you do?
[12:19] Dr. Ken: dude, are you gonna waste my time today?
[12:24] onyidollars: no
[12:24] onyidollars: so how is your wife look like
[12:24] Dr. Ken: she is gorgeous
[12:24] Dr. Ken: 5 foot 9, blue eyes, blonde hair, long legs
[12:26] Dr. Ken: if i could just keep her from doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch, I'd have it all figured out
[12:26] onyidollars: wow
[12:39] Dr. Ken: yeah, she is hot
[12:44] onyidollars: IN BED
[12:45] Dr. Ken: A WILDCAT
[12:45] onyidollars: wow
[12:45] onyidollars: i love that
[12:46] Dr. Ken: she tosses my salad with thousand island dressing
[12:47] onyidollars: god
[12:48] Dr. Ken: you married?
[12:49] onyidollars: no
[12:51] Dr. Ken: gay? cause it's ok if you are
[12:53] Dr. Ken: i once touched a guys balls at hebrew camp
[12:54] onyidollars: u are very stupid
[12:55] Dr. Ken: i'm not ashamed
[12:56] onyidollars: ok
[12:57] Dr. Ken: so you aren't gay
[12:58] Dr. Ken: ?
[12:58] Dr. Ken: i bet you have a key west mud tickler, don't you?
[13:00] onyidollars: fuke you
[13:01] Dr. Ken: fuke me?
[13:01] Dr. Ken: fuke you!

Damn it Feels Good to be a Cracker

2006-04-14T08:59:00.000-04:00

GWB is a crafty devil. He's always a good 3-4 moves ahead of us all. I looked at amnesty all wrong. It's starting to make sense now - the frustration's been there for years. Dad goes to Iraq to defend an ally: War for oil, Dad gets ousted by Clinton. Clinton allows terrorists to grow and attack us: Why didn't GWB defend us? We defend ourselves: You hate mulsims... and, war for oil. Farenheit 9/11: All your buddies are muslims. Try to save Social Securtiy: You hate old people and minorities. People can't dodge a hurrican moving north at 15 miles an hour with 3 days notice: You hate minorities. Border security: You hate minorities. Guest-worker program: You hate Americans. GWB knows when to fold a losing hand.

Knowing damn well that thanks to the cult of political correctness ignorant minorities have more power than elected white presidents, George is turning the tables. Boys, get ready, we're gonna be minorities. And when I'm in that club you can bet I'll get full use of all the amenities. Day one, I'm calling someone a racist with no basis of argument. Day two, the million cracker march. Day three, religious oppression: JC will started getting the respect Allah does. Down the line my kids could get scholarships, bank loans, jobs - all based on our great quota systems. Our lifestyle will be impregnable to criticism, even from my own race. I'll even make wild accusations about sports stars.

Aaahhh, won't it be great to be free again?

Sunday at Augusta

2006-04-10T20:22:00.000-04:00

Pimento Cheese Sandwich Count: 3
Money I spent in the merchandise shop: $138

I was lucky enough Sunday to go to the Masters. For my money, it is the best sporting event in the world. I've gone to the Masters 4 times now, and it's always a wonderful time. I enjoy going with people that have never been. To see the looks on people faces when they see Augusta National is really priceless.

No other sporting event really compares. Where else do people watch in awe as an army of mowers cut a fairway in about 3 minutes, then clap when its done? What other sporting event can you get 2 sandwiches and a beer for $5? You really feel the ghosts in that place as you walk around. You get chills when you hear the tremendous gallery roars when someone makes a great shot, and you wonder what the hell just happened when you hear the massive groans. And if you are lucky, you get a Sunday leaderboard like we did. If you EVER get offered a ticket to Augusta, don't turn it down.

My African Friend

2006-04-10T20:05:00.000-04:00

No doubt all of you have received an Nigerian advance fee fraud email. It's a letter about some dead african who left his cousin $12 million. All you have to do is pay somebody to get it. Well, the scammers have apparently stepped up their efforts. About a year ago, someone I had never met instant messaged me via Yahoo. I quickly determined that this gentleman was:

African
Stupid
Trying to take my money.

He was from Algeria and wanted me to enter into some deal with him where I would invest in a car dealership. I strung him along for a week or two until it got to the point that it was time for me to head to Western Union to wire him the money. The exchange ended with me cursing mercilessly for 20 minutes and I never heard from him again.

Well, over the weekend, my buddy returned. I played dumb like I didn't know who he was and didn't remember our past dealings and this was the transcript:

13:48] onyidollars: WHERE HAVE U BEEN
[13:48] Dr. Ken: hello
[13:50] Dr. Ken: I've been preparing for the NFL draft
[13:50] onyidollars: THAT,S GOOD
[13:50] onyidollars: DID U REMEMBER ME
[13:51] Dr. Ken: i don't think so
[13:51] onyidollars: OK
[13:51] Dr. Ken: who are you?
[13:52] onyidollars: WHERE ARE U WOKING
[13:52] onyidollars: I AM IN LES VEGAS
[13:52] Dr. Ken: really? I am going there in June
[13:52] onyidollars: WHERE ARE U
[13:53] Dr. Ken: I am in Nashville Tennessee, home of country music
[13:53] onyidollars: U CAN COME TO MY HOUSE
[13:54] Dr. Ken: do you live close to the strip
[13:54] Dr. Ken: do you like to gamble and go to the nudie shows?
[13:54] onyidollars: I AM A PRINCE IN MY COUNTRY
[13:54] onyidollars: I HAVE A HOUSE THERE
[13:55] Dr. Ken: in US, we have no princes
[13:55] Dr. Ken: you must travel with a lot of security
[13:55] onyidollars: from my country
[13:56] onyidollars: i am not from us
[13:56] Dr. Ken: where are you from
[13:56] onyidollars: denmark
[13:59] onyidollars: what do u do for a living
[13:59] Dr. Ken: i play american football
[14:00] onyidollars: wonderful
[14:00] Dr. Ken: i just graduated college, and I'm looking to get drafted by the NFL
[14:00] onyidollars: i can sponsor you
[14:00] Dr. Ken: how would you do that
[14:01] onyidollars: host u with money
[14:01] Dr. Ken: i already have an agent, his name is Pat Dye Jr
[14:01] Dr. Ken: he's in Atlanta, he represents a bunch of famous players like Michael Vick
[14:02] onyidollars: that,s my player
[14:02] Dr. Ken: hopefully, I'll be famous one day, and then i can make money doing budweiser commercials
[14:02] Dr. Ken: do you know budweiser?
[14:02] onyidollars: no
[14:02] Dr. Ken: I'm sure you have drank many budweisers in Las Vegas
[14:03] onyidollars: no
[14:03] Dr. Ken: I like to drink budweisers and then donkey punch my roommate
[14:03] onyidollars: i dont drink
[14:04] onyidollars: byant sussan is a agent
[14:04] Dr. Ken: drinking is the only way i can have sex with ugly girls
[14:04] Dr. Ken: what football players does bryant represent?
[14:04] onyidollars: pls i dont like that
[14:04] onyidollars: pls
[14:05] onyidollars: mind your speech
[14:05] Dr. Ken: why, we are just 2 buddies having a chat?
[14:06] onyidollars: yea
[14:06] onyidollars: i am in my house
[14:06] onyidollars: my dad can come in anytime from now
[14:06] Dr. Ken: i guess a prince could have sex with only the finest of girls in Denmark! I bet you have the pick of the litter
[14:07] onyidollars: call bryantsussan@yahoo.com
[14:08] onyidollars: she is in africa
[14:08] onyidollars: to admit some boys
[14:08] onyidollars: her no is 2348030944316
[14:08] Dr. Ken: admit some boys?
[14:08] Dr. Ken: I'm not into boys
[14:08] Dr. Ken: I'm into girls
[14:08] Dr. Ken: what does that mean
[14:09] onyidollars: players
[14:09] onyidollars: if u are not real u tell me
[14:10] Dr. Ken: i am real
[14:10] Dr. Ken: but what do i need to call her for
[14:11] Dr. Ken: I don't call people in africa I don't know, I'll only deal with you
[14:11] onyidollars: for deal
[14:12] Dr. Ken: what kind of deal, i have an agent
[14:12] onyidollars: is from manchester city
[14:12] onyidollars: london
[14:12] onyidollars: ok
[14:12] onyidollars: tell you agent to call her
[14:13] Dr. Ken: what sort of business are you proposing?
[14:14] onyidollars: i m just trying to help u
[14:19] *** "onyidollars" signed off at Sat Apr 08 14:19:26 2006.

If you want to have a good laugh, add Onyidollars to your Y! buddy list and hit him up for a chat whenever he is online.

digestive tract movement update

2006-04-05T08:02:00.000-04:00

i punched a donkey so big this morning the grand canyon is no longer grand, nor is it a canyon.

One Shining Mullet

2006-04-04T10:06:00.000-04:00

Dr. Ken's random thoughts of the day....

2006-04-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

I had really bad indigestion in the office this morning, so I'm gonna leave you a little bit of wisdom I gained: Take off the ipod when this happens. Sometimes you don't realize how loud you have just farted....I must admit, I'm addicted to a show that comes on Speed Network from time to time called Barrett Jackson Auto Auction. It's usually in some fancy place like Palm Beach and it features ultra-wealthy dudes in a cock-off seeing who'll pay the most money for a 1920's Bentley or a Ferrari or some shit....I got a Home Depot apron this weekend (with my name on it)....Check out my buddy's blog - Nowhere Near Berlin, a diary of an ex-patriot living in London.

immigration

2006-03-30T07:15:00.000-05:00

look i know there is a lot of stink about what we should do about immigration. should they get amnesty? should we deport them? what will happen to the economy? who's going to cut my grass and wash my dishes? personally i dont care, the mexicans that work for me can never escape the shed i've locked them in.

all you have to do is ask?

2006-03-30T07:14:00.000-05:00

honey, no need to adopt, i am here for you. im not mexican but i can cut grass.

had i known it was going to be this kind of party....

2006-03-30T06:58:00.000-05:00

so duke's lacrosse team is in trouble for allegedly raping a stripper. check it out. okay, lets review some interesting points about this...

1. duke sucks.
2. lacrosse is a sport for a bunch of rich white kids who don't have horses to play polo.
3. the stripper was black.
4. 46 dna samples were taken.
5. duke sucks.

so here we have a bunch of rich white kids raping a black woman. according to the report not all 46 men who had dna taken are considered suspects. but let's just say all 46 men were involved in the attack. shoot lets just say half of them were involved. now, did they have to pay individually? is it extra if you go first? can you get a discount if you were the last one? since she is clearly pressing charges, do the people who paid her get their money back or is it forfeited? these are the questions the media should be answering.

Hold that Tiger............

2006-03-23T21:29:00.000-05:00

Congrats to the SEC's drunken uncle - LSU - for beating all that is evil - Duke - to advance to the Elite 8. A great win for the Tigers and the SEC. Damn I hate Duke and Coach K. It does my heart good to see the last image of JJ Redick in a Duke uniform....crying.

top ten women i have no chance with

2006-03-22T07:15:00.000-05:00

1. natalie portman - there is something very sexy about a woman built like a little boy.
2. audrey tatou - she'll be in the da vinci code movie and for some reason i bet she smells like daisies.
3. dorothy mantooth - i am mentally incapable of treating anyone like a saint.
4. the wife from the jetsons - ever wonder if the curtain matched the rug?
5. reese witherspoon - a new addition to the list. she's had a couple of kids and we all know what that means...
6. mother theresa - i know she's dead but what a challenge she would have been.
7. hillary clinton - she's the kind of girl you could donkey punch and not feel bad about it later.
8. jaime pressly - she makes that earl show bearable. well, her and the colored dude with the hair, but i stopped wanting to have sex with him a long time ago.
9. lucy liu - i've never been into s & m but i would let her kick the crap out of me any day.
10. portia di rossi - sure she's queer...that makes her even more attractive.

Today was a good day....

2006-03-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

Some days are good and some days are bad.

And then you have days when someone you know accidentally sends you an email with pictures of her yabos in an attachment.

let's put the fun back in xenophobia

2006-03-21T07:20:00.000-05:00

foreign people terrify me. with their strange words and their strange looks and their strange colored skin and the way the always seem to smell like raw sewage that was left in a diaper in the desert. sure, america used to be a melting pot, we let anyone in, we became known as a place of refuge, a place to make a new start, a place that holds something better, however, we should leave the past in the past. today things are different and i'm not talking about terrorism. what im talking about is these people no longer make what is great about america great. when we let everyone in, that was what made america great. now what makes the u.s. great is guns, the marines, clubbing seals, manifest destiny, imperialism. there is no place for "people who talk funny" or "people who dress weird" or "people who smell so bad god flinches". i would like to ask the interlopers some questions: do you ever feel like an outsider? like maybe you are different and no matter what you can't assimilate? you ever feel unwanted, treated like a third class citizen, degraded? well, you are.

art history: two

2006-02-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

our next installment in art history comes from ms. jenkins third grade class in slamtown, illinois. as we can see here, mohammed is holding a picture of himself. what this represents is mohammed is a hypocrite. he tells all his crazy gun toting, towel headed, koran humping, pig kissing, car bombing, aiyiyiyiyiyi (shoot gun in the air), no job having, woman hating, brokeback mountain watching, flag burning, embassy terrorizing, olympic kidnapping, plane hi-jacking, burkha banging, hairy eyebrowed, illiterate, ill-dressed, nba watching, hillary clinton loving, democrat party donating, sandy underpants wearing, half retarded, half quadriplegic, club footed, lazy eyed, dungeons and dragons playing, self-flagellating, pee smelling, trick knee having, herpe infested, pedophilic, necrophilic, sheep fisting, donkey punching, yugo driving, kevin federline album owning, third nipple having, second base stealing, butt pirates they can't draw pictures of him, but he can. mohammed, sir, hypocrisy is a suit that only fits the democratic party, please pick something else...for instance, what do you call genocide if you do it to yourself? you keep it up and ill think of a word for you.

art history: one

2006-02-03T20:12:00.000-05:00

i've always been such an art history buff and now with the resurgence of contemporary cartoons, we here at 13sides would like to take some time to review some of the more relevant cartoons.

now i am not a language expert but i am going to interpret the caption as "i am mohammed, i loved brokeback mountain, i love little boys, i am the devil". i think the artist was trying to say that mohammed is nothing but as mere sketch of a deity. with the rough lines and almost frantic speed the cartoon seems to have been drawn with, this says mohammed would be a pitcher and not a catcher. mohammed in this cartoon is holding two dolls which seem to represent car bombings and impotence. so, in summation this cartoon depicts mohammed as an impotent, child molesting, donkey. interesting.

this week in awards: feb. 3rd

2006-02-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

its been awhile i know. im doing the best i can so get off my back. its hard to find a different computer everyday so the c.i.a. cant catch up with me. anyway, lets do this.

the award for person who is famous for doing nothing is coretta scott king. after riding her husbands coattails for so long, james early ray remarked, "i got the wrong one".

the award for allah never loved you goes to the people returning from hajj who got on the egyptian cruise liner.

the award for greatest irony goes to all of the towel heads upset about cartoons but seemingly non-plussed by their fellow followers of peace cutting heads off people and blowing up innocents. muslims are gay.

the award for best name of a public official goes to john boehner the republican senator from the great state of ohio. no further comment necessary.

the award for best headline goes to the same article as above. 'a boehner in the hen house'.

the award for organization countries are least scared of goes to the u.n. who is thinking about possibly passing a resolution to appoint a committee to look into what might be a situation in iran.

the award for hate crimes are dumb goes to the city of new bedford massachuss...whatever. why does beating up a fag mean more than beating anyone else up? what about fights in bars all over the country for things as trivial as taking someone's seat to disagreements on 17th century russia laying the groundwork for modern socialism? i dont understand why one crime is worse than another. hate crimes are gay.

A-HA, Hush that Fuss..

2006-02-01T20:50:00.000-05:00

Cynthia move to the back of the bus....

Hat tip to Expose the Left.

cindy she-man writes the news

2006-02-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

hat tip :: canada.com
what more can anyone say? she shows up in a shirt saying "2245 Dead. How many more?". cindy, if i may...to answer your question...just because its the oldest profession in the world doesnt mean people will respect you. in fact no one respected you before, including your dead son. i was having dinner with casey and this new girl he was seeing (her name is mary-jo, she had eyes as blue as water, i was drowning in them, i even felt drunk) and casey told me if he were alive, which he's not because he died after re-enlisting to go back to iraq after re-enlisting to go back, to fight, again because he re-enlisted so he could be in iraq again where he was before he re-enlisted...anyway he told me he thinks the last time his mother spent this much time on her back she was trying to solicit a date for the high-school prom.

getting ready for iran

2006-02-01T12:25:00.000-05:00

in preparation for a possible military invasion of iran, senator ted "swim team" kennedy has already started denying iran ever had weapons of mass distruction or the capability to manufacture wmd's. "iran and samuel alioto never had wmd's, they never slept with another man, or saw brokeback mountain naked. this is just another example of jorge bush trying to scare the american people by telling lies and drowning women", said the honorable senator from the great state of massuch...whatever. however, ted "islands in the stream" kennedy was not the only one to prepare for denying reality. 13sides favorite senator hillary "you cheated? who cares i munch carpet...shag carpet...from the early 60's" rodham-clinton too has stepped up to the left's mike and sounded off by saying, "sure, bill cheated on me with a fat girl, sure, he blew his wad, destroying anyone's ability to wear a blue dress seriously, but why would he want me? im a man. with large hairy balls". we arent sure what that has to do with iran, we just thought it was funny hillary "thats not a python in my pocket" rodham-clinton said "balls". we look forward to the left to start beating their war drums and then to once again pee themselves when they have to show some spine...and no hillary not that thing you keep in your pocket.

feminists rejoice

2006-01-31T17:46:00.000-05:00

hat tip :: Google News
coretta ricotta king-pin died sometime today, or yesterday, whatever. anywho, i have it on good information that some of the major feminists groups will be participating in a "million dyke march" to celebrate the death of corrective scotch king. seems the feminists organization beleive not only in insisting women's golf is sexy but that a woman who was cheated on with a complete and total disregard for her marriage vows, yet maintaining the marriage because there is nothing better than selling your soul and your body to make sure everyone knows your name...even if the only reason is because your husband is non-"violent" not non-"put it in the butt".

anyway, i will be at the march, looking to hook up and test the theory all women are gay until they get the "pony 3 seconds of hell".

back in business

2006-01-31T15:03:00.000-05:00

back in business bitches.

took some time off to clear my head and my urine of any ill drugs. im back and im pissed.

i'm black

2006-01-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

took a little vacation. spent some time in rehab (didn't work), beat a homeless man, hung out at the dnc's aa meeting trying to pick up chicks, almost bombed an abortion clinic but then i decided those girls are the same girls at the dnc but are guaranteed to be sluts so i got some digits and spent christmas celebrating the non-birth of non-babies to non-responsible women. it was awesome.

i have some new year's resolutions and predictions

resolutions for 2006:

i resolve to take my medication (especially the salve for that rash).
i resolve to continue to spread v.d. amongst the ranks of liberals.
i resolve to accept foreigners...as workers on my estate.
i resolve not to automatically jump to the conclusion that the dingo ate my baby.
i resolve not to point and laugh at handicapped people...i will just laugh.
i resolve not to cry at movies.
i resolve to bring back the fade away jumper.

predictions for 2006:

i predict it will rain.
i predict bill clinton will sleep with someone not his wife and not necessarily a woman.
i predict the children are our future.
i predict the democratic party will split into two groups, the whiners and the criers.
i predict the republicans will maintain control of the house and rename it the 'hizzle'.
i predict the democrats will gain control of the senate and will rename it 'my ball' at which point they will take it and go home.
i predict 'kids in the hall' will do a reunion tour.

Wow...Just Wow

2005-12-23T12:32:00.000-05:00

On questions such as these, where we have one group who is telling the truth, and another who is lying through their teeth, I think sometimes debate can actually be harmful. When we allow intellectually dishonest arguments in the same ring as truthful statements of fact, the implication is that the opposing viewpoints are in the same weight class.

As it was with the Social Security fight, the thing to do is not to debate the points. This is exactly what the dishonest people in power want us to do. Why? Because debate bores and confuses the rubes. Instead, we should repeatedly and loudly say what is true. That Bush broke the law. Then we can even explain exactly how the law was broken. But I don't think it's useful for the NY Times to spend the time and energy trying to debunk blatant obfuscations. All it does is elevate the administration's tripe to the level of possible truth, instead of expose it as the lying filth that it is.

--Horatio

a bet...for bush

2005-12-21T18:39:00.000-05:00

updated: if you read the comments noz will not take the bet, richard has not responded at all. i will never understand the logic of liberals. guilty is guilty...and if he broke the law, then this bet should be a lock, unless of course they are scared. what a bunch of crybabies.

i have bet richard at 12sides and his mentor at rubber hose to a friendly bet. these two bastions of truth, honor, and mastery of the legal system "know" bush will be put in jail for his terrible crimes.

here's the bet:

if bush is indicted and convicted for warrantless wiretaps before the end of his term i will spend one week blogging (sincerely) about the terrible crimes bush has perpetrated (at the suggestion of noz and his girlfriend).

if not, then noz and horatio have to write sincere apologies to president bush which i will post here.

sound like fun? if you want in on the bet let me know which side you take.

find your rep: a game by 13sides

2005-12-20T09:59:00.000-05:00

last friday the house voted on "Expressing the commitment of the House of Representatives to achieving victory in Iraq" . there were 108 reps who voted 'nay'. is yours one of them? luckily mr. barrow voted yes, else he'd be getting a call from the pony.

if yours voted no and you want to know how to get in touch with your rep and how to send child pornography to them in their name, just drop me an email.

hat tip boortz

poles?

2005-12-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

there is a new pole out. im not sure what the passion about poles presumes. poles are perfectly protected by a plethora of nato participating principalities. perhaps people trying to protect the perfection of poles presupposes the probable probity. however, the prostrating pinkos prefer to proclaim poles are the precise proportion of their own pre-eminent power and the paucity of perspicacious people in the population.

personally, i perceive poles and pinkos to prevail at putting forth pursuits not practiced by the poplulous and therefore become petulant preserving their paltry programs.

this week in awards: dec 16th.

2005-12-16T06:49:00.000-05:00

it's too easy sometimes.

the award for "one last poke in the ass" goes to tookie williams and his journey with lethal injection. tookie, you won't be missed.

the award for "comments even 13sides won't say" goes to the president of iran, ahmed-allah-al-jazeera-mussab-al-donkey-lover-von-dumber-than-a-bag-of-hammers for his comments about the holocaust being a myth made up by europeans. someone needs to tell him islam was a myth made up by the jews to control those who are too dumb for their own good.

the award for "yeah...but he still lied" goes to every democrat who has in any way implied iraq has been or will be a failure. early polls say 11 million of 15 million people voted. sounds like civil war to me.

the award for "better left in the hands of professionals" goes to hwang woo-suk (no kidding) of south korea for his amazing research on stem cells. why should the u.s. government spend millions of dollars on research we all know the asians will figure out first?

the award for "worst soldier in history" goes to john mccain for forcing through his ban on torture. someone needs to put this guy in a tiger cage. look buddy, we know you went to viet nam and got pinched while taking a hudge, we know the punishment you endured now makes you intolerable, however, odds are that the people we torture will NOT go back to their home countries and drum up sympathy for their incompetence. (known as pulling a "cleland")

the award for "nicest invitation for a terrorist attack" goes to all the senate democrats for threatening a fillibuster on renewing some of the provisions in the patriot act. i dont know what it is with these people that they hate america so much...how do they get elected?

the award for "most pointless investigation" goes to all the people finger-ponting about whose responsibility the levees in new orleans were/are. we all know it was bombed by super secret hurricane proof airplanes to kill all of the black people in new orleans...because clearly they weren't doing it fast enough.

the emperor's new clothes

2005-12-15T07:07:00.000-05:00

our lord and savior george w. bush has taken a lot of crap over the war, why did we go? we can't we leave? what are our boys and girls dying for? well, i for one have no problem with the war and in fact, now elections are complete with little to no violence, with greater turnout than we have in the u.s., i think george "i got your weapons of mass destruction right here" bush should don a new suit of self-righteous indignation. he would look good in it. he is a man of few words and he is very direct. i can't wait for the next state of the union. hopefully he'll be wearing his new suit, john murtha will have been called back into duty, john mccain will have again been captured (but this time by two escaped koalas and a donkey), harry reid will drown himself in a river of mohitos, nancy pelosi will return my calls for a "meeting", ted kennedy will have an affair with mary jo kopechne's sister who will drive her car off a bridge and allow him to drown in 3 feet of water, randi rhodes will see a speech therapist because no one likes a yankee and no one likes fran dresher, jimmy carter will shut the hell up and go back to building houses, al franken will admit no one listens to his show and all of his skits on saturday night live were the ones where we went to go get another scotch, barbara boxer will start turning tricks in the house of representatives to try and get her dignity back, bill clinton will meet with a young lady who unfortunately has a very powerful and very sensitive gag reflex, sean penn, susan sarandon, tim robbins, and barbara streisand will write a screenplay together titled "irrelevant", and kevin federline will stop referring to himself as "k-fed" and start referring to himself as the "burger king night manager".

anybody want a tookie?

2005-12-13T07:21:00.000-05:00

i thought for a minute there they were going to give him clemency or at least a stay. maybe we should let everyone off of death row who apologizes...oh yeah, they have to be sincere though.

this week in awards: dec. 9th

2005-12-09T07:04:00.000-05:00

i have a cold, so im angry.

the award for "dumbest idea ever" goes to the president of iran for suggesting israel should be moved. i have a better idea, hows about we move every mulsim nation to oblivion.

the award for "largest congregation of muslims where someone did not explode" goes to the oic.

the award for "suuuuuuure we believe you" goes to the oic for deciding to fight against terrorism. um, gentlemen...you're about 30 years too late.

the award for "who hates america most" goes again to those lovely democrats who want to oppose the patriot act. have they actually read it? has anyone who claims it is the door way to fascism read it? go read it.

the award for "democrats i have a man-crush on" goes to joe liebermann. he is a quiet voice of reason from both parties. should he run for president again, i would very seriously consider voting for him. he would also do a great job in replacing part of the holy trinity.

the award for "you're still here?" goes to all of the people nominated for grammys. in a close second, kevin federline.

the award for "people who deserved to be shot" goes to john lennon. first of all, if he were still alive he would be sitting in a bed with cindy sheehan protesting bad hair. secondly, the beatles are the most overrated band ever. their music broke no boundaries, their ability to start acting like pop prima donnas did. thank the beatles for the backstreet boys, coldplay, and kevin federline.

atheists, i hate you

2005-12-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

i just dont get it.

is it a religion?
is it anti-religion?
if a bunch of atheists get together is it a church or synagogue or temple?
is it petty to believe something whose whole point is to not believe in something else?
were atheists abused as children?
if an atheist protests something can you just not believe they are real and they will go away?
do atheists have 'logical' or 'scientific' answers for everything? how about kevin federline?
if you were an atheist but then you find god are you an a-atheist?
where are all of the theists?
if god were to prove he existed, would atheists then be called ignorant?
should atheism be taught in religion classes? "we dont believe in god". class dismissed.
if an atheist is shot by a sniper on a crowded street, does god hear him scream?
who founded atheism? when god created the first atheist, do you think he was laughing?
can any atheist prove there is no such thing as god?

exploding women...now thats hot

2005-12-06T13:07:00.000-05:00

the religion of peace, tolerance, and c4 has struck again. this time they used women to carry out the bombings. now, this is hot. women willing to strap it on are...well...willing to strap it on. thats a woman you can have fun with. i bet shes the type of lady who would want you spank her with the koran. not only that but she knows when she gets to heaven she gets 72 virgins...i mean come on, maybe there is something to being a islamomuslimifascist. 73 women...i cant even imagine. also i think it shows how being an islamicistomuslimbomber is getting more progressive. typically women arent good for anything in their culture and now they can sit on the right hand of allah...or is it the left?

on a serious note though, i really am glad they have women doing this. one man can impregate many women...one woman can only have so many babies. they are helping our cause. thanks ladies and keep up the good work.

dinner with dorothy

2005-12-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

i took dorothy mantooth to a nice seafood dinner last night to discuss torture. she had the crab cakes to start and lobster for her entree. i had gin. in a glass. in between light petting and mouthfuls of food dorothy complained about not understanding what the big deal about torture is, why people dont want america to "be like that", and why we care what europeans think of us. after meeting our waitress in the bathroom to secure the check i explained torture to dorothy.

torture is shooting someone in the face. no, thats just war. torture is shooting someone in the leg, not killing them but listening to them scream in agony. crap, nevermind that's war too. torture is dropping bombs on unsuspecting arabs. son of a...thats not torture thats just good clean fun. why is it okay to shoot, to injure, to blockade with the intention of starving out the enemy, shelling at all hours of the night (which is loud by the way), to intimidate with superior weaponry and training... why are those things not torture? last time i checked war was called "war" because by its very nature it is violent, at times to the point of absurdity. however, some people would have us believe it is okay to do the above but not to play loud music, or drip water on them, or make them believe they are getting ready to die...lord knows that would never happen in the battlefield. if these dirty towel heads are willing to rish their lives on the battlefields, let's see how big of men they are listening to britney spears at full blast.

this week in awards: dec 2nd

2005-12-02T06:55:00.000-05:00

six awards this week...

the award for "world's most explosive waffle" goes to the belgian lady who became a suicide bomber. evidently her waffle was not very tasty as she only managed to blow herself up. does she get 72 virgins too? are they women? can i watch?

the award for "this will only hurt for a second" goes to kenneth lee boyd of north carolina. kenny was the 1000th person executed in the united states. i for one, am a big supported of the death penalty. surprisingly most democrats are too, you just have to still be attached to your mother though in order for them to kill you...i prefer to wait until they've done something wrong.

the award for "they were going to die of aids anyway" goes to the high court in south africa who recently upheld gay marriage. we applaud you south africa for defining who people are by what they do in the bedroom.

the award for "jewish revenge" goes to the german homeless shelter which burned down killing nine.

the award for "yet another u.n. victory" goes to the aids virus. since the u.n. has now called for an "exceptional response" to prevent the spread of aids worldwide, expect to be infected next week.

the award for "its okay when dan rather does it" goes to the office of strategic influence for printing propaganda and misinformation in iraqi news outlets. can we please make a big deal about lying to a bunch of towel heads? after all, willingly blowing yourself up is not a result of a propaganda campaign right?....right?

1 cup Olsen Twins, add a dash of Hitler.....

2005-11-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

And now for the most bizarre thing I've seen in the last 24 hours (other than Horatio thinking that Irv Gotti, the head of Murder Inc. records, was somehow related to the Gambino Crime Family):

Meet Prussian Blue. These 2 cute 13 year-old twins sing songs that most teenage girls can relate to. Boys, Peer Pressure, Shopping, School. Wait, no, that's wrong. They sing about White Power.

Unfortunately, it seems the only thing these girls are doing to the White Power movement is injecting a little pedophilia, because I don't think these girls are gonna make it in the music business. That is, unless the Gambino Crime family signs them to a development deal.

13sides goes to court

2005-11-28T19:32:00.000-05:00

i hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. the penguin and i spent the break starting forest fires.

so 13sides has filed suit against the american atheists. these are the type of people who try to steal christmas from little johnny and sweet little sally. these are the people who want to tear down our nativities and to put our crucifixes in jars of non-beliving urine. 13sides has decided to file suit on behalf of those of us who arent crazy to prevent atheists from their religious displays of nothing. year round when i drive by my local courthouse there is always an athiest display of nothing. whenever i drive by my local town hall, there is not an atheist display of their ten commandments, which really means there are...since they believe in nothing, the simple fact there is nothing there means they are displaying and pushing their views on the rest of the community. this is a clear example of a breach of seperation of church and state....we'll keep you posted.

The South Beach Shuffle

2005-11-20T12:39:00.000-05:00

For most of the college football nation, this was Rivalry Weekend. Thank God the good Doctor was able to bring me out of cardiac arrest so I could enjoy the rest of the day's highlights. Unfortunately, it's just impossible to watch every game so I get updates over my 3rd-world broadband access (dial-up) thanks to the lack of free-market presence in the liberal-wet-dream that is my host country.

Anyone surfing around likely saw that the University of Miami has two more reasons to be proud of their 'Canes. First, an inexcusable home loss to Georgia Tech. And my favorite, the coming out party for The Seventh Floor Crew, a collection of Miami's finest, gang-banging hood rats and rapping about it. I love how the press and UM fans are worried that this could tear down the pride they've built up over the past 5 years. Yeah, morons, this could ruin the fine reputation that 'Canes like Kellen Winslow, Jr. worked so hard to uphold in your "proud" era.

Anyone remember the orignal "Crew"? The Shuffling Crew. You know, it was about the same time Steve Guttenburg was the funnist man alive. I think the world could use more family-friendly football rap.

this week in awards: nov.18th

2005-11-18T06:53:00.000-05:00

dear lord...

the award for "quote of the week" goes to chet (no kidding) edwards, d- texas. "Name just one religion in the world that preaches the value of asking the most of those who have the least and asking nothing of those who have the most," said Chet Edwards, D-Texas. "Sadly, that is what this budget does." even i am not creative enough to make that up.

the award for "dont make eye contact, they'll stampede" goes to all the rino's that voted against the $602 billion bill that would freeze government agency budgets and freeze spending. we're going to lose in 2006 even if we hold the majorities.

the award for "do you like the smell of my mosque" goes to more peace loving desert monkeys who blew up a mosque. of course president bush took responsibility, why? because we all know its his fault anyway.

the award for "quit crying, you're going to blow yourself up anyway" goes to all of the muslims who complain about alledged torture in iraq. its amazing the same people who blow themselves up, willingly mind you, will complain about a couple of anal probes and electro-shock therapy to their genitals. sissies...

the award for "who cares? they all die when you shoot them" goes to iraqi insurgents and to those people with nothing better to do than find out where insurgents come from. my question is if the people know how many there are, then why aren't they telling someone where they are?

the award for "world's most lovable dick" goes to the son (of the father, son, and holy ghost) dick cheney. thank you cheney for finally saying what we are all thinking...."f*** off".

the award for "powerful player? who are you?" goes to rep. john murtha, d - pa, who says we need to get out of iraq. does that mean when kennedy, clinton, leahy, reid, and pelosi say stuff like that it is ignored because they are not 'powerful players' but when john murtha speaks....people listen? sounds to me the headline should read 'another democrat chews on foot in public.....again'.

the award for "for the love of all that is good and pure, we are still talking about this?" goes to the wapo and woodward for allowing us to relive the worst crime in u.s. history that was never a crime, but should have been a crime because people think it should be a crime and dick cheney is involved.

the award for "shakes the clown lifetime achievement" goes to fidel castro and his parkinson's. bad things happen to bad people.

the award for "jumping into first place" on the u.s. world tour of democracy goes to iran. all i know is they are muslim and would probably blow themselves up, so i say go for it.

the award for "worst run organization" goes to the u.n. who has taken their ball and gone home because the u.s. wont let them have full access to detainees at gitmo. i for one would like to put them all in the same room, last man standing gets a running start into 'free' cuba.

News Flash: New unalienable right found on back of Declaration of Independence

2005-11-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

The team at 13sides has found something astonishing that seems to have gone unnoticed by scholars for decades (or more likely hidden by the Nights Templar, or John Voit). What is it you ask? Why a subtle asterisk at the end of the ...unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness* part in the Declaration of Independence. Using state of the art techniques (taken from the first Beverly Hills Copy movie - remember the turtle, matches and glue?), the asterisk was found late last evening. Upon further investigation, leading into the early morning hours, the asterisk was found on the back of the document:

* and the right to a free hotel room, provided indefinitely by the Federal government.

Our Dick In Your Face

2005-11-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

You all know what happens. If you smack a Dick around long enough, it'll shoot back at you. Our Dick usually likes dark, wet, unmentionable holes which he can move in and out of, but tonight we decided to take our Dick out in public. And as usual, our Dick never disappoints:

"The President and I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone – but we're not going to sit by and let them rewrite history."

Read the speech at Powerline.

13sides enters retail market...again...for the third time

2005-11-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

13sides has been very successful with our ventures into the free market of retail. we sold tens of our sheehan shirts and at least one homosexual punching bag (thanks penguin). at our weekly board meeting in the shallow end (irony anyone?) of the good doctors pool we began discussing how to leverage ourselves into retail markets not yet explored. after we convinced the octagon molotov cocktails made with french wine bottles that would only explode on peugots was a bit too ambitious, we decided to go back into merchandising. im not sure if it was the high chlorine content, the fact i had not gone up for air for half an hour, or the penguin re-enacting his favorite scene of march of the penguins on the good doctor, but it finally hit me. just like a bomb going off, 13sides will now make and distribute the "biggity bomb belt". this will be a very nice belt made from only the highest quality felt, yarn, c4, and some minor electronics for detonation. with the money we raised for katrina victims we will be able to manufacture at least 6 belts, so you better order fast. whatever is left over the octagon will be taking to the middle east for what he likes to call a little "u.n. peacekeeping". these belts have sold so well in the middle east but they are expensive when made by muslims as a result of their smaller brains and complete and total inability to see reason. and since 13sides encourages islam-o-whack-jobs to continue their crusade to wipe themselves out as well as we have the means to make the belts cheaper, we think we have the next great product since shoes with velcro.

pictured to your left (my right) is our newest model. to borrow a great line, "i can't pronounce her name, so i just call her thunderca t".

this is where i draw the line

2005-11-15T08:41:00.000-05:00

seems like our peace loving towel heads are at it again. this time they hit a kfc. now that is just hitting below the belt. hitting military targets, or targets that will cause great civilian casualties, or even military installations is completely acceptable, in fact i encourage it. the more of themselves they blow up, the less there are (simple math). i think we need to call in the colonel and put a stop to this...besides muslims eat chicken, maybe there were targeting the piggly wiggly down the street.

Let's play a game....

2005-11-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

I'll give you a quote, you guess who said it.

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force — if necessary — to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security."
“We are in possession of what I think to be compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has, and has had for a number of years, a developing capacity for the production and storage of weapons of mass destruction.”
“We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction.”
“We know that he (Saddam Hussein) has stored secret supplies of biological and chemical weapons throughout his country.”
“Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime … He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation … And now he is miscalculating America’s response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction … So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real…”

Answers are in the comments.

It's Too Damn Hot Out Here For a Penguin

2005-11-14T09:54:00.000-05:00

As the good Dr. said, I've just returned back from Panama to find that I'm invited to be the 11th side of 13sides (Dr. N, Tony the Pony, and the octagon being the first 10 sides). I'm not as funny as the rest, so I figure my contribution could be field reporting. Sort of like Anderson Cooper from the 90s, without the sodomy.

For those who haven't been there, Panama is like Miami, only more people speak English. The growth there in the past 15 years is startling. There're huge buildings, the downtown area is very clean, and there are more malls than in a 13-year-old girl's wet dream.

I arrived in Panama, coincidentally, the same day as President Bush, last Monday. While Panamanian government officials chauffeured me around the city and wined and dined me to bring American jobs to their country, the rest of Panama was protesting my President. I asked if they were protesting the free trade agreements (CAFTA) and was told "No. CAFTA will do more for Panama than the US." I asked if it was the USAID and other money we give them that pissed them off - maybe it was a pride thing. "No, we've used that to build schools, hospitals, and other infrastructure." I asked if it was the canal - built by Americans, run for them for 85 years, then given to them outright- did they want to give it back? "Ha, ha, ha. No, we'll keep it, thanks." (And thank you, Jimmy Carter.)

"It's the US presence in Iraq," I was told. "Many Panamanians think it's wrong for the US to interfere." I thought about that for about 10 seconds. Maybe it would be hard for Panamanians to understand how the US could invade a country, overthrow an oppressive dictator, install a constitutional republic, and create a peaceful, free, independent country. Then I remembered something. (Panama is paging Mr. Noriega, Mr. Manuel Noriega. Please meet your party at the isthmus of Central America.)

What did I learn? Panama is 95 degrees when it's raining: hypocrisy is best served hot.

this week in awards: nov.11th

2005-11-11T07:13:00.000-05:00

shall we?

the award for "nobel peace prize" goes to al-qaida for yet another explosive display of peace. we give this in memory of some of the great nobel winners: arafat for killing jews, the un for raping little girls and selling oil instead of feeding the destitue, gorbachev for single handedly bringing an entire nation to its knees, the un peacekeeping forces for allowing american troops to die first, sadat for killing even more jews...i could go on but i have much to do.

the award for "no one really cared about you anyway" goes out to the three bali bombers who made a tape condemning the west. turns out they were so emphatic of destroying the west, they blew themselves up...makes sense to me.

the award for "hi, have we met? we'll bomb you to the stone age" goes to some rag head in the sudan for yelling at a u.s. official. oh well, abu el-bashir-sudiki-mahatma-hotdog will probably blow himself up soon anyway.

the award for "not as good as inspector gadget" goes to paddy fitzgerald. looks like paddy forgot to interview, well...people...

the award for "least likely to defend himself" goes to france. silly frogs...maybe they'll learn killing muslims isn't so bad after all.

the award for "get a job you dirty towel head" goes to all the young muslim men who have nothing better to do with their time than to flip cars instead of burgers.

random thoughts...

2005-11-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've show myself on 13sides. I've been on a top secret mission to help the liberals take over... after reading Any Rand's Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged in quick succession while sniffing butane. I was only able to achieve marginal success in California. But, I think they knew something was up because I forgot I had on my NRA hat (may explain why I was pelted with ass cream in San Fran). It will be first to go. We will miss the Golden State... like one missing the haunting visions of that lonely tiger cage that come in the night... once you get off the meth, of course.

And how about those evil oil companies? Apparently, running a profitable business is now un-American, unless you give large chunks of you profits (don't these go to the share holders) to the government. Are we France yet?

Question: Do all liberals have poo in their ears?

In case the 2nd Amendment felt alone with it's recent attacks, my alma mater has issues with the 1st.

Another entry for my "things to drill list", Cynthia McKinney. But drilled with...

I must go vomit now.

We're Dropping Another Turd in the Punchbowl

2005-11-10T22:46:00.000-05:00

I called up a young right-hander from Triple A the other day. He will be joining us very soon once his imperialist ventures in Central America are over. This guy is such a capitalist, he is offshoring his business to Panama because the wages he is paying to his workers are just too high....and his business is in Costa Rica.

I'll leave it up to the rookie for his own introduction when he gets back, but I'll leave you with this:

top 5 things that should be drilled

2005-11-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

1. ANWR
2. ANWR
3. San Francisco (into the fault, to trigger the big one and flush the toilet into the sea)
4. ANWR
5. Cindy Sheehan (scary)

things never reported

2005-11-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

you never hear about a suicide bombing going bad. i doubt very seriously allah has taught his boys how to handle explosives so they never go off early. i think we need to explore why there isnt more premature exploding and try to encourage that....lord knows they arent learning it in the bed room. believe me, i was there. also i wonder if they still get all of the virgins if they blow their load too early? is there some type of system, like say they get within sight of the target and accidentally flip the switch do they get say 50 virgins? maybe its the thought that counts. if that is the case maybe we will be blessed with a generation of lazy muslims. mulsims too lazy to go find c4, strap it to themselves and go find a cafe. all i know is if my bomb went off before i was ready, and i got to heaven and only got say 36 virgins, i'd be pissed. id probably walk right up to allah and slap his bearded face and take his women. but then i think about it...72 virgins...these guys cant even keep their women happy on earth...who do you think thought of the idea to have men blow themselves up? ill tell you who, muslim women who leave the bedroom unsatisfied because mustafa won't munch on the prayer rug if you know what i mean.

daddy always told me, ugly girls need loving too.

i love randi rhodes

2005-11-10T20:30:00.000-05:00

ill admit it...i listen to air america. i especially love the randi rhodes show. everytime i try to give up heroin i turn on the radio and listen to my muse of liberalism. next thing i know i have tapped a vein and touching myself listening to that wonderful yankee jew voice. though she tries to maintain a very french level of secularity i think we can all agree randi rhodes is a jew. i dont have problems with jews...they are one of the only groups of people i truly love, i mean come on, they've been through enough without me making fun of them, however, part of me wishes randi was born about 1930 or so....

some thing i cant figure out is this fascination she has with the things she perceives that america is doing to intentionally hurt others. well this afternoon i was able to sit down and have an interview with randi:

tony the pony: thanks for meeting me here and thanks for finding my pants.
randi rhodes: you're welcome. let me just say president bush...
ttp: uh yeah, hold on there champ, you got a lighter?...thanks...wanna hit this?...no? okay. my first question is, why do you hate jews?
rr: well if our cia agents had any kind of security and didnt have to worry about...
ttp: do you have anyone who loves you?
rr: of course i do. im loved everywhere, in fact in west palm beach i single handedly swung the 2000 election. speaking of which, if america spent less time torturing...
ttp: seriously though. can you hear your voice? its almost like you are a deaf retard drowning in jell-o while screeching like a pterodactyl.
rr: i know the truth, i know the truth, bush is a liar. i dont need facts, i have the internet.
ttp: jesus randi, my dog's head just exploded. seriously can you lower your voice?
rr: thats just what the republicans want, they try to keep me off armed forces radio...
ttp: there are enough suicide bombers in iraq without you driving our soldiers to it.
rr: they wont listen when i tell them about how cheney paid rove to get bush elected so condi can plot the overthrow of middle eastern governments....

(at this time i had to go to the bathroom and vomit. i think she may have ruptured my ear drum)

rr: ...so in conclusion republicans are all gay.
ttp: not that there's anything wrong with that.
rr: right.
ttp: right. and thanks for coming. maybe you can visit iraq and get shot in the face.

i enjoy a good bombing

2005-11-10T07:11:00.000-05:00

i enjoy bombing things. churches, homes, banks, playgrounds, restaurants. there is nothing more satisfying than watching a very large explosion....well except maybe huffing butane. luckily muslims are very good at satisfying my needs. i spend a lot of time in the middle east "consoling" the wives of suicide bombers and tossing the ol' pig skin around with their newly fatherless children. in light of recent events i would like to thank the muslims of the world for helping me help myself to their wives. there is something very "let's make a deal" about a woman in a burkha. dont worry though i use protection (see image). my only real question is, is it genocide if you do it to yourself?

i can only hope they wipe themselves out.

Continental Breakfast, Free HBO not good enough anymore

2005-11-10T00:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, you know the drill. Religion of peace, bombs, death. This time in Amman, Jordan at a couple of hotels. 13sides knows this attack wasn't because these hotels serve sausage or bacon at their continental breakfast, cause they don't. And it probably wasn't because of the lack of choices of Grade A pornography on Spanktravision, cause we've never been disappointed. We're guessing it's because someone scheduled a wedding on a Wednesday at the Radisson (and Muhammad had to miss Trading Spouses on Fox), or the abundance of "white" towels, OR these terrorists are just murderous sons of beeches.

Seriously, can you imagine living in a world where Islam wasn't so "Peaceful"?

Ban the Guns and only the Heroin Addicted Drag-Queens will have Guns

2005-11-09T19:59:00.000-05:00

Swollen anus capital and moonbat central, San Francisco passed Proposition H (I swear it has nothing to do with the ass-cream), banning all handguns. Proposition I also passed, a resolution aimed at opposing the military's efforts to recruit at the public schools.

I can't wait for the big one. To steal a line from Dennis Leary, I'm gonna sit on my couch with a t-bone steak and a 4 foot erection watching the carnage when an earthquake takes out San Francisco and residents will be forced to stop looters with patchouli and ben wa balls. Weren't these idiots watching the news after Katrina? And please, whoever takes the call from the governor who will be asking for the national guard, let it go to voicemail.

"Take your hands off of my methadone or I'll beat you with my jackrabbit."

the knights who say 'newt'

2005-11-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

13sides is officially endorsing newt gingrich for president in 2008. who else better to pound hillary than the man who orchestrated the death of the hillary health care plan. the man is such a fiscal conservative he has been wearing the same suit since he left washington. he is an honorable man who has already had every skeleton dug up and exposed...so what will the media have left to suprise people with? the most important thing we need to realize is his name is newt. i mean seriously how cool would it be for the largest most powerful country in the world to be led by a man named 'newt'.

top ten techniques liberals would use without using torture

2005-11-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

1. begging
2. pleading
3. coaxing
4. beseeching
5. wooing
6. soliciting (not the bill clinton kind)
7. cajoling
8. coddling
9. petition
10. make them senator of arizona

irresistible headline

2005-11-07T08:08:00.000-05:00

seamen call for un piracy task force

maybe france isn't so bad

2005-11-07T07:56:00.000-05:00

seems like the french people have the same problem us god loving, patriotic, bush voting, kerry hating, americans do: muslims freaking out just because you've hooked a couple of them up to car batteries. now i know that france will probably surrender to two guys with a brick sometime this week but for now they are standing strong and using serious language indicating it is possible that at some time in the future discussions will commence to begin the research of what would be necessary in case the violence escalated to the point where thier petulance might be endangered.

as much as i hate to say id have to put my money on the muslims in this case...however, if france is overrun by muslim extremists and it becomes the new training ground for terrorists we (the u.s.) should do what france would do for us...ask the muslims to leave and when they start throwing feces, just shrug our shoulders and walk away.

going to the zoo

2005-11-06T07:54:00.000-05:00

there's nothing i love more than to go to the zoo. i love the elephants and the monkeys. but most importantly i love the tiger cages. i find watching people escorted to insanity endearing. i would say my heart goes out to them but in reality i have no heart and i am usually so bombed by the time i get there all i can do is scream racial epithets and obscure shakespearean quotes.

speaking of tiger cages our favorite senator john 'me love you long time' mccain has come up with a plan almost as brilliant as the tet offensive. johnny boy wants to add anti-torture legislation to every bill passed until the president signs it. senator mccain and i are long time friends. most of the scars on his face are due to the side effects of a brilliant meth addiction i helped him start. everytime i get him juiced up and we go to the zoo he freaks out at the tiger cage and takes off. when we find him later on, he has painted his face in camouflage, is completely naked, and whispers "the horror, the horror". ive never quite understood this reaction until now. john mccain hates america. follow me for a moment; john mccain spent like a hundred years in a tiger cage in viet nam. he managed to come home and not be crazy and manages to be a senator. he now wants to prevent the u.s. from using things like tiger cages because he is afraid one of the mulsims will become a senator too and he could not use his excuse of being a poor soldier and getting captured anymore. he would have to rely on his wife's drug addiction for sympathy.

we're on to you john.

things ill never understand

2005-11-05T07:24:00.000-05:00

ill never understand why michael moore's father had sexual relations with a cheeseburger. ill never understand how that cheeseburger was to give birth to a human.

ill never understand why nancy pelosi always seems to be in a state of shock.

ill never understand people's fascination with poll numbers. the american people were dumb when 62 million voted for president bush, now they are geniuses saying he's doing a bad job. i just want someone to tell me whether im dumb or not.

ill never understand why clowns find me so attractive.

The only democrat I'd vote for if he ran for president...

2005-11-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

I love this sum bitch, even if he is a Democrat. His grand wealth redistribution scheme took money out of the poor downtrodden democratic base and put it in the hands of studious middle class white kids (See Lottery Funded Hope Grant). It put my ass through college. I don't think there is a politician alive that sticks to his guns and speaks more common sense.

Zell wrote an excellent guest column for the Atlanta Jurinal and Constipation the other day regarding the Valerie Plame outing and following indictment. GIVE EM HELL, ZELL!

An ACLU lawyer is rubbing one out somewhere....

2005-11-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

First of all, an apology:

I'm sorry. Unlike Tony, I had to do a brief stint at the county with some other members of the democratic base for buying crack cocaine with my FEMA check. I've also been busy downloading pornography to my new video IPod. And if that isn't a segway.....

Horatio was getting all upset about a T-shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch. Pardon me if I give a rat's ass. Appears a Republican Pennsylvania politician got upset about it too. Therefore, I expect Horatio to issue a full retraction very soon.

A morality issue a little more intriguing is happening at the University of California-San Diego. Seems someone has been a naughty boy! Steven York, champion of free speech, has had his programs aired on University run TV where he is having sex with a porn star. Steven doesn't seem to mind that people are offended, claiming "it's part of the college experience." I tend to think Steven would be the first to complain about a confederate flag hanging from a dormroom wall or the meeting of the College Republicans, but I digress...

But I dare you complain! One of his fellow students did. Steven responded by superimposing her face on the pornstar. Nice one Steven, you sure showed her!

University rules states that SRTV can air "indecent" but not "obscene" material. Station manager Tiffany Wrapp backs York.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with the University's stance on this one. Take a look at the video on foxnews. Having sex with a "pornstar" with a gunt that big is definitely obscene.

this week in awards: nov. 4th

2005-11-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

shut up. ive had things to do and i was in a coma for three days due to an overdose of baby aspirin and vodka. lets get down to business.

the award for "you may be brown but no one cares" goes to the people protesting the summit of americas. dont bite the hand that feeds you.

the award for "countries that would surrender to themselves if they could" goes to france for doing such a wonderful job of managing their arabs. i bet france will become the new breeding ground for terrorists...no wait, thats michigan.

the award for "we'll still call you scooter" goes to david addington who will replace lewis libby in taking the fall for contrived accusations by hairy reed and his ilk.

the award for "its not a leak if nothing gets out" goes to valerie plame and her husband who's name i cant remember. its a good thing she has tried to continue to conceal her identity.

this week in awards: oct 28th

2005-10-28T06:32:00.000-04:00

lets get started:

the award for "most likely to scare children and least likely to be a supreme court judge" goes to my cousin johnny dumptruck. however, in a very close second, harriet miers will actually win the award, partly because harriet and i are having sex and partly because no one knows my cousin.

the award for "reservation for deaf arabs, your impending nuclear destruction is ready" goes to iran. i dont know why they think they would be any different from iraq. dumb is dumb in the crosshairs.

the award for "please, no more probes" goes to the american public for having to tolerate a week of no news because every journalist on the planet is trying to scoop the leak investigation. i have an idea journalists, why dont you report the news instead of giving us detailed articles how there wont be news today.

the award for "more powerful than god" goes to patrick fitzgerald for shutting down the entire world's news (see above).

the award for "yet another example of dubya melting ice caps" is 'almost' hurricane beta. with all that our lord and savior does in a day (censoring liberals, designing a fascist state, etc.) melting ice caps is quite possibly the most difficult logistically. i applaud him.

miers to pull out

2005-10-27T19:43:00.000-04:00

ive never been a big fan of the rhythm method. pulling out is like eating a twinkie with the wrapper on. i mean i work so hard for those three maybe four seconds i deserve full gratification. pulling out is never an option, to me its like being a quitter, and momma didnt raise no quitter.

however, im glad miers pulled out. i could not imagine having more of her running around. it leaves us with three very important lingering questions. 1. who will bush nominate now? 2. who did she pull out of? 3. where are my pants? lets take some time to answer these.

1. bush will nominate someone who is a snappy dresser, fast talker, and likes to be called "cotton". hopefully, our lord and savior dubya will pick the fight we've all been waiting for. i for one dont really care who comes out looking bad, i just want some serious hypocrisy, self-righteous indignation, and maybe a little panty raid of the black caucus.

2. who is miers having sex with? and why would she pull out? my best guess is ted kennedy is always so drunk its hard to keep it up, so its not so much pulling out as it is falling out.

3. i think i left my pants at the playground.

rosa parks to take bus to heaven, sit in front seat

2005-10-25T07:30:00.000-04:00

last night the cindy sheehan of the civil rights movement passed away at her home in detroit. at 92 years old, rosa parks, became the symbol of african colored americans in their fight for looting and high quality sneakers. rosa who's son was killed in a church bus accident held a vigil outside of eisenhower's home in abilene, kansas. eisenhower refused to meet with rosa because he believed the woman's place was in the kitchen and not out riding buses all around town. besides, no one forced her son to associate with christians or get on the bus in first place. however, to this day...well yesterday because shes dead now, rosa blamed ike for allowing christians to drive buses.

at this time 13sides will have a moment of silence for all of those people who had it worse.